What is beyond tired??

What is beyond tired?

I had a good sleep last night. I woke up around 7 to pee, took my meds, then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I brushed my teeth and then had coffee. Now I feel like I can go back to bed again.

Omg hardest therapy session I’ve ever had. She agreed to do the safety planning sheet by Brown and Stanley much to my surprise. Then came the last part where it says to make environment safe. I said skip that and she said nope. Fucking fuck. We also went over boundaries about texting. She wants me to text her when I am having intense suicidal thoughts and thinking about acting on it. I tend to text her when I am feeling really hopeless and basically having a bad day so we came up with a code word to use. We then discussed ketamine and she is both for and against the use. Basically she doesn’t want me to have flashbacks and does want me to build new networks. I struggle with doing things outside of treatment so doing this is going to be hard. Now I need an Ativan and Tylenol for my anxiety and headache I have. Fucking fuck. I have a safety plan after 30 years in therapy and being suicidal.

This is what I wrote on Twitter yesterday after my appointment with my therapist. I still can’t believe she agreed to do the safety planning. It took almost all session to do. I am glad we talked about when to text her and stuff. She was really adamant about me texting her if I felt really suicidal. I asked her how am I to let her know when I am feeling suicidal and acting on it versus my usual wanting to die. So we came up with a code word. I also reluctantly moved my lethal means to another area of the house so it is not in my room. I really didn’t want to do this but she insisted.

I went to the chronic pain group today. I got a little support around pain meds needing prior authorizations. It was a good group. I might go next week.

I don’t know why I am so tired today. I slept through the night, which was unusual for me. I only woke up once. I took a nap for a couple of hours until my cath alarm went off. I feel like I could go right to sleep. I didn’t eat lunch. I have a pot pie in the oven for dinner. I haven’t had one in a while. I place my grocery order for tomorrow. I ordered a bunch of stuff including chicken breast, which was on sale. I also ordered lemons so I will make a stir fry for tomorrow night.