Groceries and a webinar
I ordered groceries yesterday and they came today, a little bit later than I was expecting them. I was up most of the night because I fell asleep early so I woke up around midnight. Then I got hungry so had some granola. I also drank a bottle of Gatorade so I was going to the bathroom every two hours to empty my bladder. I gave up around 4 and fell asleep. I was having a nice dream when my alarm woke me up.
I bought a lot of food this time. Vegetables and chicken and veggie burgers. I had bought regular burgers but they were out of stock on it. I was so bummed. I also bought ice cream sandwiches because I was craving them and none of the convenient stores around here sell them. After I put things away and rested a bit downstairs, I thought I missed my therapy appointment. But it’s Wed not Thurs. Also by the time I was done, it was time for the webinar to start.
The webinar was by CAMS care which is lead by Dr. David Jobes, my idol. Today’s talk was about future thinking in suicide ideation. It is something currently being researched as it hasn’t been done before. Interesting data so far. They are working on how to apply it to clinical work. Interesting to bring up to my therapist tomorrow.
After the webinar, I was pooped so tried to take a nap. Within twenty minutes, my damn ankle went berserk. It felt like a knife was going through it. It was hard to move, to sit up to take my meds. I wanted to fucking die and honestly thought it would be better to just end it. On my therapist’s request, I moved my lethal means away from room. I have thought about retrieving it. I want to act on my feelings. I feel so worthless.
Tomorrow I see my pcp for a private issue. Treatment hasn’t worked so I feel hopeless. I’ll probably have to have a MRI done just to check my nerves. I doubt they will find anything as it is very specific nerves we are talking about. Sucks she will be leaving the end of the month. I don’t know who my new PCP will be until then. Sucks. It will be the 4th pcp in 5 years.
midnightdemons7 
wow, so many PCP’S in such a short time! Thats crazy! I’m sorry she’s leaving. Congrats on still keeping on fighting the good fight, you are brave and I’m so glad to know you!
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I know they say we hang in there because we have no choice but I know how wrong they ate. So kudos to you for fighting so hard to stay afloat and get through so many soul sucking obstacles. That is strength,my friend. I do.hope you get some physical and mental relief soon,you deserve it. Just know how much I admire the fight in you. Helps me keep my own bad thoughts at bay. Very grateful for you and your posts🖤💜🖤
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