Author: Midnight Demon

Saturday News 06082022

I had my MRI done last night and got the results this afternoon which sent me into a suicidal spiral. Results weren’t good. My degenerative spine is getting worse than it did 11 months ago. I don’t know if I need to see my neurosurgeon. I hope not because that might mean surgery and I can’t face another spine surgery. The cause of my clit going numb is unclear. I have no nerve compression anywhere. The good news is that one of my CSF leaks is gone and the one remaining is getting smaller.

I texted my therapist and she said what does my safety plan say to do. I said I would read some and overdose on some gaba. She didn’t like that and asked what does my prescription say. I told her and she said to take that. I doubled the dose anyway. I still have another 1200 mg to take at bedtime. She doesn’t know this.

I feel really depressed and suicidal. I want to die. I also don’t want to be evaluated for MS. Truth be told I should have had an MRI of the sacrum. Those are the nerves that control the clit. I don’t know if you could see the nerves as it all bone but still, it is worth a try. Since I read the report, my lower back has been hurting me. I can take another pain med in an hour.

I texted my cousin and she kept on asking me stupid questions which annoyed the fuck out of me. I don’t know what can be done to stop the degeneration. I also have arthritis in my spine as well. Probably why my back is hurting. All of this doesn’t explain why my clit is numb. I won’t get evaluated for MS as I don’t have MS. I think I would have other symptoms if I did.

There was a Twitter post about bottom growth on testosterone that most FTMs didn’t know about. That the clitoris grows a few inches. I don’t think mine has grown because I am not on a high enough dose of T. But my clit is also nerve damaged. I don’t think I am going to get the feeling back and I am very troubled by this.

I read the trauma book for a couple of chapters. I read like a chapter and a half when I got the MRI results. Then I couldn’t go back to reading it. The author talked about having a safe place to be in when in recovery and working on trauma. I don’t know how I am supposed to work on it given that I don’t live in a trauma free space. Also made sure that the person was safe from themselves. Right now I am not.

Been having some fantasies of meeting my new PCP and telling her that I have a year to live, that in June of next year, I plan on ending it. After learning the results of my MRI today, there is no doubt that the plan is on, again. I might delay it in July so that there is at least a couple months where I can be shirtless due to the weather. But this was just a fantasy. I will not let my pcp know I plan on ending my life. I fear things will be disastrous if she knows how suicidal I am. Or she might just refer me to psych and that will be that. It wouldn’t be the first time that a pcp ignored me when I told them I was suicidal because of my pain. They would just ask if I was keeping my appointments with my psychiatrist. Then move on. Suicide prevention at work, not.

I keep wondering if I would be able to do this at home. I don’t have a credit card to go to a hotel. I am trying to work things out so that no one finds me until I am dead. I hate that to happen but I don’t have a choice. I am kind of hoping that I will be euphoric when I have my top surgery so I don’t end up dying. I am ambivalent, that is for sure.

MRI and uro

I had my MRI last night. It went ok. It was new scanners and I really like it. They were able to find a vein for the contrast. The tech said I should have results in 1-3 days.

I had a call from uro about my bladder. All she could say to me was use vaginal estrogen cream on my urethra and go to pelvic floor muscle PT. USELESS. I am so aggravated. I am still trying to makes sure that if some if it goes down my urinary tract that it won’t cause infection. She tends to think I sleep at night like normal people. No, I am up several times a night cathing.

Power is out in my neighborhood. I am writing this is in the darkness of my room. I might need to turn on the hotspot on my phone to publish this. I am thankful my room is cool right now but the longer I am without AC the chances of it staying like this is not likely. It just came back on, for now. It’s 94 degrees out and feels like 97.

I had the pharmacy ship the estrogen cream to me because I think I threw out the stuff I had. It is too hot for me to walk there and as it isn’t quite urgent that I use it, I can wait a few days for it. Hopefully my concerns will have been answered by the time I receive it. Just got a message back. She said it shouldn’t be a problem because the cream is “sterile”.

I am feeling very depressed. I just want to sleep. I told my therapist I would blog and read but I got a slight headache and don’t feel like reading. I still can’t believe she didn’t want to take my word. I feel so offended by this. I honestly feel like she doesn’t trust me when it comes to my safety. That I can’t handle it on my own, like I have the past twenty years! WTF.

I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist all week. He usually answers my messages within 24 hours. I don’t know why he hasn’t responded yet. Maybe he is on vacation. I don’t see him until Sept.

I am not interested in baseball. Sox got rid of two of my favorite players and I think they are going to let two superb players go because they are being cheap bastards. So hard watching them lose game after game. The talent is there but the chemistry isn’t. It’s very sad.

Just an annoying day

The heat really got to me and stayed with me, causing me to be annoyed most of the day. Therapy was wicked hard. She didn’t trust me to be safe with having the key and the lock box in the same room. So I told her I would separate it. She wanted proof that I had done so. Christ. This is the first time a therapist wouldn’t take my word that I would be safe. It was such a hard session. We spent most of the time talking about safety. She is really worried about me. She jokingly (or maybe seriously, I don’t know) said that I could report her for being mean. I said ya, that would go well. Therapist wants client to be safe so client reports therapist for doing her job. That would go over well. Before we ended, she wanted to know what the code word was. That was when I knew she was really worried about me.

My meeting with my pcp didn’t go too well. She said the insurance company was hounding her for a peer to peer review but wasn’t being forthright with her about what it entailed. Apparently what they told my pcp and what they told me was different stories. So there may be a problem filling the prescription this month, again. I met my new PCP and she seems nice. She talks wicked fast so I know she is from Boston. My pcp wants an MRI of the back and I got it today as there was an opening at the new imaging center in my town. It was so convenient even though trying to get a cab was difficult. They are saying I owe them $20. I have to look into why because I’ve only used the vouchers to get to where I am going. She also said that eventually she wants me off the opioids and on to something else. That isn’t going to happen. I am not going to be on methadone. I don’t care. I will die before that happens. Right now my pain is controlled and that is all I care about. Besides this will be an issue for my new PCP as she will be gone. I hope the new pcp isn’t going to be thinking about changing my meds. I really don’t want to and it will kill me if it does. My pcp was also saying that if the MRI was negative she would want me to be evaluated for MS. I am fine with that as long as I don’t have to get a spinal tap. Cause that is a NO.

I told all this stuff to my therapist. I felt like I gave her the laundry list of things why I was annoyed today. I guess that played a part of the reason why my suicidality was high. Just makes me mad that she didn’t trust me with my own devices. She was insistent that I be safe and separating the key from the lock box was the way to be safe. I am so annoyed. In baseball, I found that in addition to them trading my second husband, they designated for assignment my favorite outfielder. I am so damn mad at this. To lose two of my favorite players in one week is so tough.

I am really sleepy. I went to bed around 1930 only to wake up a little after 2200. I didn’t look at the time when I got up so when I saw my mother in the kitchen, I thought something was wrong. I wanted to write this blog before I went to bed. It is technically my 160^th post that I have done consecutively. Gonna have a few dates and then go to bed.