It’s 2am and I’m up
I woke up an hour ago to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I had a weird dream where I had to give a paper and have PT with TENS. But it was to be outside. As the teacher was reading my paper, my foot and ankle started to hurt very badly and I woke up from the pain. My ankle and foot are throbbing but not as bad as in the dream.
I slept most of the day yesterday. I had spent the morning dealing with medical issues. My pcp wants a vaginal culture and a urine specimen to test for infection. I also have to go for blood work for my TG doc. I will be going today to do this. I have to go to the clinic to do the vaginal test. I don’t know why she wants a culture when I have bladder pain.
Monday night I used the estrogen cream on my urethra. I made sure to rub it in so it didn’t just stay there. I waited four hours before I cathed. So far I am not irritated or anything. I am glad. I was so worried that it was going to cause problems when I cath.
I didn’t put myself on the alarm to pee so I didn’t wake up in time to go to the pain group. I really wanted to go but time got away from me. I was just so damn tired in the afternoon just had to sleep. When I woke up, I had to pee and then I made myself a bowl of cereal. I checked my messages and then went back to sleep until my med alarm went off for my night meds. I took them and then went back to sleep. I knew I was going to wake up after midnight to pee.
I have to see my neuro and neurosurgeon. I finally got through and made an appointment with my neurologist for Oct. I am still waiting to hear back from my neurosurg. I don’t think my neurosurg can do anything other than advise me on what if anything that can be done about the degeneration. I am seeing neuro for my numb clit. Neurosurg might be able to help with that as well. I have a good relationship with him so I feel comfortable telling him what happened.
I had sent an email to the transgender health program at the LGBTQA+ health center but I haven’t heard back from them. It was for a support group for trans. I hope I get a response from them. It is on zoom. I requested the link for the group.
My ankle is really hurting now. I just put drops in my eyes because my left eye was tearing really bad. I guess standing on it made it angry. I’m starting to feel sleepy. Going to take some gaba to see if that help bring down the throbbing pain. It is like a pulsation type of feeling, like if I had a TENS machine on or something. I have to make sure that I am hydrated before I try and get my blood drawn so it is easier to find my veins. I am such a hard stick because my veins are so deep. It sometimes takes two people to get me. I hate getting my blood drawn.
Therapy black out
Trigger warning sexual abuse talk
I had therapy today and in the middle of it, my power goes out. I had to use my hotspot to connect but because I was in the dark, I didn’t turn the camera on. UGH. We were talking about trauma and specifically my mother’s abuse towards me. She sexually abused me from the time I was young, like age 2 to 13. She always had to look at my genitals or breasts. Now that I have been cathing for a while, I still have flashbacks to when she touches me when I touch myself. In my pediatric records, the doctor notes that my “vagina was closing” according to my mother but I wonder if it was really my urethra as it is in my vaginal opening. I’ve had a few UTI’s growing up and I wonder if it is because my mother stuck things in there. I also had a trauma medical procedure done to me when I was five. I had to be restrained physically and chemically for the doctor to do the procedure. All I remember is that I was screaming for my mother to get me, to comfort me, and when she didn’t come, I felt abandoned. I hated my mother for not being there. It was then that I started hearing voices.
Today’s WordPrompt from WordPress is transition. I was talking about my transition today with my therapist as my mother misgendered me, again. It invalidates me and makes me think my transition is not worth it. As I will always be seen as a “daughter” to her rather than a son. She thinks she owns me. I haven’t told her that I will be having top surgery yet. I want to make sure the insurance is going to cover it. I don’t want to tell her and then it not happen. It is five months away anyways. I am hoping that I can have it sooner but I got to know insurance will cover it first.
I am going for blood work this week so asked my pcp if they also need a urine sample because my test strip for home testing tested positive for white cells. I don’t know if my bladder is still inflamed or what. It still hurts though and even though I am starting the estrogen cream tonight, it could be a month before it has an effect. I was going to start last night but I got too tired to put it on. I was going to put it on after my last cath for the night but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfy.
I woke up a couple of time during the night to pee and I was on the same schedule as my mother as every time I had to go pee so did she. I might have to hide the benzoyl peroxide I bought as I found it on the sink rather than in the cabinet. The last tube I bought was used by family members. I never had a chance to use it because it was used up before I could or it went missing on me. I have a breakout of zits right now and need to use it. For fuck’s sake, I bought it with my money and the shit is not cheap. Pisses me off that someone keeps using my acne products.
I wanted to make a zucchini chicken stir fry for supper but my ankle and foot are hurting me too much. My mother is just going to make the chicken with salt and pepper for me. I just realized I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. I never made lunch like I had wanted to. Therapy just got me so upset.
midnightdemons7 
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