Author: Midnight Demon

Waking up to craziness

I’ve been up since about 0630. I had to pee and then I tried going back to sleep and it was not successful. I took my morning meds. Then I went downstairs to make my coffee and some oatmeal. When I came back upstairs, I turned on my laptop and read Twitter for a bit and found that domestic terrorists are at the Phoenix FBI office armed in military gear protesting the former guy (DJT)’s search warrant, saying it was “illegal”. These fucking nuts better be arrested to set a fucking example to the rest of trump’s army that this isn’t tolerated or I fear there is going to be a fucking civil war again in America. Fascists against democracy. Sadly I fear that it is the color of the skin of these terrorists that make it hard to do the lawful thing and arrest them. Either that or the goddamn police are scared of their guns like at the elementary school in Texas. God that sickens me every time I think about it. It is bad enough an attack on the FBI has already been made. I don’t know where though. This is just crazy to me. And I am scared. Scared there maybe blood shed if these terrorists don’t get arrested peacefully.

I had a similar night as the other night where I woke up to pee at 2 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I went back to sleep around 4 or 5 and then I woke up at 0630. I started reading Beck’s book on Cognitive Therapy with emotional disorders. It is interesting but there is a bunch of bullshit before you get to the cognitive therapy part of the book. I am in the middle of chapter 2. So far it is ok.

I feel really suicidal. My back hurts after cathing and going up the stairs because I stood too long. My bitch sister was hogging the bathroom so I had to go downstairs. What made it worse was I couldn’t find the damn hole as I was inserting the cath. I kept inserting it in the vagina. It was pissing me off. No pun intended. I am so damn tired of this shit. Every two hours I need to empty my bladder. I want to consult with my former urologist but she is in NY and I am in MA. There is no guarantee I can see her quickly. I have tried looking at other neuro urologists in Boston and there doesn’t appear to be one. Just the one I currently see. I am going to ask him about the estrogen bullshit. If it will really help my bladder pain. I also want to have a plan with him that if it flares up again, I would like a standing order for antibiotics for it. I just hope that when I see him Wed I can advocate for what I need from him.

I canceled therapy. I haven’t heard back from my therapist about it. Hopefully she got the text. I just don’t feel like talking this week. I know if she responds, she is going to call me out. I feel really depressed and just don’t want to talk about it anymore. I will talk about it here because this is my space. This is where I express myself. I feel safer talking here than I do with her. I really want to get the key and take the B17 pills I bought, all of them, just to see what they would do. If it kills me, great. If it doesn’t and does something bad, yikes. For all I know, I bought saw dust in capsules and it won’t do anything to me except maybe make me sick.

I read on Twitter that there has been a call to federal agencies from the Trump army with the intention to incite civil war. This is what I was afraid of. Things could get ugly in the next few days or weeks. I don’t have a good feeling about this. My anxiety is really high and I just want to end my life so I don’t have to deal with it. Would have been nice if I had top surgery before doing this but times are tough right now. I feel like a loser and I think I have always been a loser. I feel disgusted with my body. I hate who I am right now. I am tired of pretending to be a woman when I am a man. I am tired of having woman parts. The one woman part that I loved was my clit but that isn’t working anymore. Stupid me, I should have noted the size of it when starting T. I have no idea if it increased in size or not. Still feels small to me but then I think it is because I am on a low dose of T. I am trying to get it adjusted again. But things bring me down. Pain has been the main reason why I am so suicidal, physical and mental pain that I face every single day in one shape or form. Mostly it is physical pain that makes me so very suicidal and fast because the pain is unpredictable. I dealt with it most of yesterday, taking the BT med every four hours because it was that severe. Today the pain is more manageable. Except for my back. I have no control of when that flares up. Thankfully rest eases the pain, usually. It is very rare that I have to take something more than ibuprofen for it because I know that it is muscle pain more than something more serious.

My therapist and psychiatrist wanted me to join groups to alleviate my depression. My therapist called bullshit that my suicidologists don’t have outside contact as a suicide prevention. I never said that they said this. I joined a trans group that meets two days a month. I forget the schedule of it but they will be sending me the link on the next meeting. I don’t think my psychiatrist wants me to pursue ketamine as he said that joining a group was more important than the drug. So again I am failed a treatment that I never even started. I was hopeful that it would also help my pain. Now I am back to being hopeless. Nothing is going to work anyway. My PTSD is severe right now. I am having intrusive memories and bad dreams. I am not sleeping regularly. I might be sleeping like four hours a day, if that. I don’t take naps anymore because my damn bladder prevents me from sleeping, even if I shut the alarm off. It is like my bladder has been trained to go every two fucking hours now and if I don’t go, I get bladder pains. So what is the point of living? I don’t have a life worth living or saving. It is totally pointless. I am so depressed. Severely depressed. Sadly I think only my readers and therapist know this. I don’t talk about my depression with anyone anymore. I don’t tell people I am suicidal anymore because it freaks them out. I am alone and I prefer it that way. It is easier that way. I am not worthy of life.

Until tomorrow readers…

Saturday Blog 13082022

I had a rough night sleeping. I woke up around 2 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep after. I took some Ativan an hour later and then by 4 I was able to sleep. My med alarm woke me up but I shut it off. I didn’t take my meds till I had to go pee again around 0930. Then I had explosive bowels. Fuck. I just made it back to the bathroom in time. I have no idea why I can’t do both duties at the same time. I went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1pm.

I had my coffee and some oatmeal. I bought the maple and brown sugar kind and I really like it. I thought it would be too sweet for me but it is just right. As I was putting my stuff in the sink, I kind of lost my balance as I turned. My ankle has been killing me since. It feels like bone on bone, rubbing against each other.

I read Twitter for a bit and then got bored. I finished Trauma and Recovery. It was a good book to read. I learned a lot. I sent a text to my therapist canceling our appointment for Mon. I don’t want to see her. I know she is going to give me grief about it. I don’t care. I will see her next week.

I am really tired. I tried sleeping but my bladder had to be emptied. I also had to make dinner. I made a veggie burger. It was ok. I really want a real burger on the grill. Maybe I will ask my sister to get some burgers so we can have them on the grill tomorrow. I will pay if she takes me to Stop and Shop. I have to get more half and half anyways.

My TG doc said my testosterone level was low so she is increasing the dose. She hasn’t changed it in my record yet so I haven’t received the new script but that is ok. I still have plenty of vials right now. I have to give my shot this week and I am glad my shot is in my right leg this week as my left has been giving me nerve pain in my thigh the past two days. I don’t know what I did.

I thought I might listen to the game but I am falling asleep. I don’t know why I am so sleepy today. I know it is most likely due to staying up in the middle of the night as usual. I drank water with my dinner so I know I will have to empty my bladder soon. This every two hours thing sucks so bad.

Here is the article I interviewed for but didn’t get quoted on

Jumping Through Hoops: Barriers to Gender-Affirming Care | Giddy (getmegiddy.com)

A do nothing Friday

I had good dreams for once. I dreamt I had a tabby kitten and it stayed with me in my room. I tried to get someone to stay in bed with me but they didn’t want to. I had the kitten beside me. My sisters were doing their thing and I was with my kitten.

I woke up late. I had shut off my alarms intending to wake up before noon but that didn’t happen. My bladder woke me up after 12. Then when I came back to bed, my bowels woke me up. I hurried to the bathroom as it was one of those wake up calls. I decided to stay up after that wake up call. I had my coffee and conversation with my niece and sister, who was actually civil with me today.

After coffee, I needed to brush my teeth and shower. I am pissed someone keeps using my benzoyl peroxide wash. I found it in the shower along with my shaving cream. Nice I am providing for my family. I had a good shower with no pain for once. I might shave later today. The acne on my chest is clearing up finally. I still need to put some benzoyl stuff on my neck. I have like three big acne things on it. It was going away but then flared up again. I think me sweating and rubbing my neck caused a flare up.

I am tired despite sleeping ok. I have no messages from my pcp today so that is good. I don’t know if the vaginal culture came back yet. I will check later. My urine culture came back negative so that is good.

I keep saying I am going to put my recycles in the bag but I have yet to do it. I just have it in a pile. I want to clear my bed off so I can change the sheets. I might try this weekend. I am listening to Sparks Fly album by Taylor. I just listened to Haunted and was really listening to the lyrics. They are so wonderfully put together. I thought about putting the song on repeat. I might do it if it comes on again.

As I am still contemplating putting the recycle away, I think I am going to read tonight at least two chapters. I haven’t touched the book since last week and I almost done with it. I am tempted to read American Revolution next as I haven’t read a history book in a long while. I have mostly read psychology books this year.

I can’t believe how exhausted I am just taking a shower. I know it has been because I spent most of Wed out at the hospital and in the ED. Then yesterday I went out to get my prescriptions. I am in pain right not because my damn feet keep cramping and I don’t know why. I have been taking tizanidine intermittently as I don’t want my blood pressure to drop. I have taken it at night because I can just go to sleep if my blood pressure drops.

I haven’t eaten yet. I had my last fig bar with my coffee. I don’t know if I am going to have a bowl of cereal or make a veggie burger. I bought “ultimate” veggie burgers. There was two in a package and all it is a thick black bean burger. Not worth the money. I won’t buy them again.

Lab work done

Yesterday I got my lab work done. I had taken a cab to the hospital and then when I was done, I walked to the train station. I had used my last cab voucher so I couldn’t take a cab home. As I was walking, it was getting harder to breathe and I started getting palpitations. I found a spot to rest and rested for a few minutes until my heart calmed down a bit. I continued walking and by the time I made it to the street where the station was, I was out of breath again and having palpitations. I rested a bit as it was a green light and I couldn’t cross. Once it was safe to cross, I continued to the other side of the street where there was a CVS and I got a water as I was thirsty. I was also sweating a lot. My shirt was already soaked.

The rest of my journey home went ok. I felt fine. No chest pain or anything. I ordered food for supper. I finished and used the bathroom. Went upstairs to my room and got palpitations again except this time I was having a stabbing pain in my chest. I rested for a few minutes but it wasn’t going away. I took my pulse ox and my heart rate was over 100. Fuck. I texted my sister to see if she was home. She was so I went downstairs and asked her to give me a ride to the hospital. She had plans so we decided to call an ambulance.

I had grabbed my bag with the catheters in it but I didn’t bring my wallet with me. I totally forgot it. I got sent to the ED and had a cranky attending doc that said he didn’t think it was my heart. OK what was it then? He said he didn’t know. Soon after another nurse came in and sent me to another part of the ED. I sat in a chair and waited. Someone called me for an X-ray of my chest. They had done the EKG and I guess it was fine. About an hour later, the nurse came and said she was going to put an IV in me to make blood drawing easier. I was fine with that. She couldn’t get me so another nurse tried and got me. The first cardiac marker they drew was higher than my previous one that I had in like April. The second was one point lower. I got discharged. I wanted to speak with the attending about what the cardiac marker testing meant and he never fucking came. I was bullshit because the nurse couldn’t answer my question. I didn’t want to wait anymore so I left. I sent my pcp a message asking what does the values mean. I got an answer today. She thinks that my activity during the day caused the enzyme to be elevated. They said I did the right thing but the next time this happens I am just going to take a pain med and call it a day. I guess the attending wrote that he suspected that I had costochondritis causing the pain. Nice of him to not tell me that. It wasn’t in my discharge paperwork. I was bullshit. Then the ED called asking me how I was feeling and if I wanted to provide feedback. I said yeah, it would have been nice if the attending had told me he was discharging me after the second enzyme test and what the test result meant.

Today I didn’t do much. I didn’t sleep well. I kept on having bad dreams or bad cramps in my feet. Even as I rested after breakfast, I got severe cramps in my foot. I don’t know why I am having them. It is very painful. My TG doc got back to me. My T level is low so she is increasing the dose. I went to pick up my meds in the square. Then I went to Starbucks for some lunch and a small latte as it was late in the afternoon. I don’t want to be up all night again.

I might have to back to the Square tomorrow to pick up my T as they are calling in a new script. We’ll see.