Just an annoying day
The heat really got to me and stayed with me, causing me to be annoyed most of the day. Therapy was wicked hard. She didn’t trust me to be safe with having the key and the lock box in the same room. So I told her I would separate it. She wanted proof that I had done so. Christ. This is the first time a therapist wouldn’t take my word that I would be safe. It was such a hard session. We spent most of the time talking about safety. She is really worried about me. She jokingly (or maybe seriously, I don’t know) said that I could report her for being mean. I said ya, that would go well. Therapist wants client to be safe so client reports therapist for doing her job. That would go over well. Before we ended, she wanted to know what the code word was. That was when I knew she was really worried about me.
My meeting with my pcp didn’t go too well. She said the insurance company was hounding her for a peer to peer review but wasn’t being forthright with her about what it entailed. Apparently what they told my pcp and what they told me was different stories. So there may be a problem filling the prescription this month, again. I met my new PCP and she seems nice. She talks wicked fast so I know she is from Boston. My pcp wants an MRI of the back and I got it today as there was an opening at the new imaging center in my town. It was so convenient even though trying to get a cab was difficult. They are saying I owe them $20. I have to look into why because I’ve only used the vouchers to get to where I am going. She also said that eventually she wants me off the opioids and on to something else. That isn’t going to happen. I am not going to be on methadone. I don’t care. I will die before that happens. Right now my pain is controlled and that is all I care about. Besides this will be an issue for my new PCP as she will be gone. I hope the new pcp isn’t going to be thinking about changing my meds. I really don’t want to and it will kill me if it does. My pcp was also saying that if the MRI was negative she would want me to be evaluated for MS. I am fine with that as long as I don’t have to get a spinal tap. Cause that is a NO.
I told all this stuff to my therapist. I felt like I gave her the laundry list of things why I was annoyed today. I guess that played a part of the reason why my suicidality was high. Just makes me mad that she didn’t trust me with my own devices. She was insistent that I be safe and separating the key from the lock box was the way to be safe. I am so annoyed. In baseball, I found that in addition to them trading my second husband, they designated for assignment my favorite outfielder. I am so damn mad at this. To lose two of my favorite players in one week is so tough.
I am really sleepy. I went to bed around 1930 only to wake up a little after 2200. I didn’t look at the time when I got up so when I saw my mother in the kitchen, I thought something was wrong. I wanted to write this blog before I went to bed. It is technically my 160th post that I have done consecutively. Gonna have a few dates and then go to bed.