Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Tiring day at PT

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, disability

I went to bed too early last night. I got your around 1130p to pee and then had a hard time falling back to sleep. I read the rest of my book. It helped to settle me down some. I drank a lot of poweade so I ended up having to pee again around 3am. It was difficult to go back to sleep.

I woke up with my med alarm. I shut it off and went to sleep for a few hours. I forgot about my grocery delivery. I am glad it came in the afternoon and not the morning or I would have missed it. I took a shower before it came. It tired me out but I had the perfect hot water temp so it was soothing.

I made some boiled eggs for lunch. I didn’t know what else to make. I had three cups of coffee. I was hyper when I left for PT. The bus was a little late, so I was literally on time for my appt. We did some work on the machines with increasing resistance. It killed my legs. Then she had me on a rolling chair to do some more leg work. My calves were killing me. Legs feel so sore right now.

I came home and made a spicy bean burger for dinner. My niece gave me one of her papusas which was really good.

My mother didn’t have a good day. She was tired and in pain. We had the appt with the medical oncologist, and it didn’t go very well. My aunt misinterpreted what he said and got really upset. She was yelling at my mother to get more care, and my mother ignored her. I think my mother has given up, and it has been hard to see. She just doesn’t care. She will do things if she is up to it. Otherwise, it is up to one of us to help her do things. We are seeking an opinion from radiation oncology, but the med oncologist said they only do things if you have symptoms and my mother doesn’t at the present time. It has been a hard day for me. I’ve been really sad and alternating with caring and not caring. I’ve never gotten along with my mother and I don’t think we ever will.

I almost wrote something in my book last night, but when I wrote it in the journal, it was only a paragraph, so I nixed the idea. I really am struggling to write this book.

weird day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Weird day

I don’t know where time is flying to but I feel like I got up around 11 and somehow it is now 5pm. I had a busy early afternoon with phone calls to make. My Long Term Disability insurance called and so I spent some time talking to them about basically why I can’t work. I tried to get in touch with my aunt who is still in the hospital as far as I know but just got her voicemail. I also tried logging on to the college system to see what courses I need to take but apparently I won’t be in the system until 2/15. I got an email from the person doing my sex change form and apparently they don’t accept copies of the paperwork I sent them. They need originals. So tomorrow I need to mail those out. I luckily have one copy left of the certified name change document. I need to order more. I think I am going to get three of them. I just got to get the money order for them as they don’t take checks.

I also made dinner for my mother. The water for the broccoli took forever to boil. The fish was done before the broccoli was. Oh well. My mother did have some. I didn’t put any seasoning on the broccoli and she ate it anyways.

I found out that registration for the fall is in April so I have time to pick out courses and stuff. I am going to go part time as I think full time would just stress me out and I won’t do well, academically and mentally. My therapist agreed part time would be better. Two classes should be easier to manage. I’m also trying to figure out how to pay for classes if I don’t get financial aid.

I’ve been feeling depressed and tired most of the day. I need to take a shower and just haven’t found the energy to take one. I’ll probably take it tomorrow. My foot is still hurting and my ribs are too. I had messaged my PT about it and she said to put heat on and to do one of the sliding exercises she showed me. It hasn’t really helped too much. Heat has helped though more than anything.

forced myself out

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Forced myself out

I woke up with five minutes to spare for my therapy appointment. I should have set an alarm so I could have had coffee before session but I thought I would wake up. I didn’t so I didn’t have coffee. Therapy went ok. We didn’t talk about anything deep as my brain wasn’t thinking too clear. I was also having back spasms so that didn’t help. I told her the events of the weekend and that I got accepted back to college. She said that was huge. I wasn’t feeling it. I think it will become more real once I have the finances to pay for it.

After therapy, I had two cups of coffee. I ran out of half and half so I had to go to the store to get it. I didn’t want to go out but I forced myself to go. It was tiring. My legs felt dead afterwards. I am still resting. I haven’t napped so that is good. I didn’t wear my coat as it was warm. I just wore a light jacket. I added value to my T card as I waited for the bus home.

My foot has been hurting me since 0630. I haven’t taken anything for it because there is really nothing for me to take. I no longer have my pain meds. I can only take gabapentin. It just dulls the pain. I will take some before bed so it will help me sleep.

I am going to try and finish reading my book today. I have just one more chapter and then the conclusion. I already picked out the next book I plan on reading. I just hope that I don’t knock things over when I get the book. It is a baseball book about the Sox. I look forward to reading it.

Sunday Blog 29012023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sunday Blog

There was nothing more that I wanted to do today than sit on my bed and read my book. Wasn’t meant to be, at least not right now. I had my niece’s birthday party to attend. It was good. My cousin came over and it is his birthday tomorrow so we celebrated him and he cried. I felt so much emotion for him. I haven’t seen him in a long while but I am glad he came.

Yesterday was a bad day but at the end of the day it turned good. My mother wasn’t feeling well. She had invited her siblings over for lunch and they all came over. She was in bed for most of the day. Then my aunt took a seizure and we had to rush her to the hospital. She is still in the hospital but doing better. It was very scary. Everyone was upset and crying. I just hope she doesn’t have to stay in the hospital too long.

Then the end of the night my niece shows up with an engagement ring! Everyone was so happy for her. I was so happy. It was just the elation needed to end the day.

Right now most of the family knows my mother has cancer. Today it is hitting me hard. I want to cry but can’t find the tears. I am really sad. I have therapy tomorrow to talk about this. I have had such a difficult relationship with my mother and even though she has cancer, she still treats me the same, as her “daughter” instead of a son. I don’t know what to do about this. It bothers me but there is nothing I can do about it. It makes me think I should give up but I can’t stop being me.

I got an email from UMB. I got accepted! Looks like I will be attending in the fall if I can financially manage it. I should hear something about this in the coming weeks.