Author: Midnight Demon

In a crappy mood

I’ve had shit for sleep. I woke up around 2, decided to empty my bladder as it has been more than a few hours since I last did it and then I was up till around 0630. I got about an hour or two of sleep, which was a bad fucking dream. I got up. I had coffee and some oatmeal. Then I had wheat chex with almond milk which I won’t do again as it was too sweet.

My ankle pain started at 0330 and it still fucking hurts, 12+ hours later. I took some BT meds like every 4-6 hours or when I remember to take them. It has been really hard. I was supposed to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and I don’t want to risk walking up the street to annoy it. I’ll try tomorrow. I am just in a crappy mood. At one point I was really suicidal and wanted to act on my feelings. I texted my therapist who reassured me she would hospitalize me if I did. That scares me more than attempting. I keep bargaining with myself about it, saying it is too soon to act. I will act after I had my surgery. Maybe I will change my mind once I recover and see what my new body looks like. But then pain hits me, like it did today and I want to say fuck it, end it now. It’s such a struggle.

I went to the chronic pain group and they were talking about teeth extractions. What the actual fuck. Not why I joined the group. I stayed though I really wanted to leave. I was on my phone because I didn’t feel like opening the laptop. I was in such a damn mood. My foot was flaring and I was just in a lot of pain. I didn’t feel like talking. I kept my answers short and to the point.

I read some more of BATA today, trying to get through this chapter on cognitive therapy. I really have to be conscious while reading or I will lose what they are saying. There are some difficult concepts. I then got distracted by a citation of the book Treating Suicidal Behavior. It listed the first and second edition of the book. I checked my Amazon orders to see if I bought the book and I did. I have no idea where the fuck the book is right now so I bought a used copy that I hope is the first edition because I went on a bookstore website to get the second edition. There is a four year difference between editions and this was just about the time that CAMS was coming out so not sure it will be in the book.

I am really tired and in a lot of pain. Today is my nephew’s birthday. My bitch sister didn’t invite me to the party. Oh well. I am in too much pain to attend anyways. Think I am going to take my night meds early and then call it a fucking day. I don’t have anything planned tomorrow except going to the pharmacy. I also need to read the article my psychiatrist sent me about ketamine. My insurance will cover it so we are looking into it. If it doesn’t help my pain, I am screwed and I will continue to plan the end of my life for next year.

Tough night falling asleep

I just wrote a couple of pages in my journal and felt the need to blog. I didn’t feel like writing my feelings in there even though it is more private. My sister (bitch) hasn’t answered the text I sent her on whether she mentalizes or she just thinks about herself. I know the answer to the question.

One of the therapists that I talk to on Twitter (not professionally in anyway), is going to try and help me understand CBT and Beck’s suicide mode. It came up in BATA (building a therapeutic alliance) where I just swore the language became Greek as I was trying to understand what they were saying. It didn’t help that they didn’t define suicide mode to begin with. It was like it was implied. I fucking hate that. Nearly every CBT book that I have read IMPLIES something like you are supposed to know this. Pisses me off. I hope she can help me because I think this is where I am “stuck” in therapy with my therapist.

It is almost my peeing hour. It has been a few hours since I last emptied my bladder. I should empty it because I don’t feel anything and that is never a good thing. I swear part of the reason I can’t sleep is because I don’t want my bladder to be overfull during the night and so I wake up to empty it several times to ease the anxiety despite it causing me sleep disruptions and weird dreams. I’ve also been alternating between water and Gatorade so my bladder is probably close to full by now…

I have therapy tomorrow. I have tried to write out my feelings and have failed. I have mostly slept throughout the day most of the time. I also have been writing blogs and reading about suicide prevention treatments. The seminar that I went to last week was really good. I learned a lot. There is a new article that Dr. Pompili wrote that I really want. I am trying to see if the library can send it to me for free but I haven’t heard back. I think I am going to have to call, which sucks. I hate making phone calls. I had put in a request online but I haven’t heard back and both time I submitted it gave me an email error. Ugh. This isn’t going to be easy. I am ready to just say fuck it and pay the $40 for it. I am dying to know what measures they used for mental pain.

I wrote this at 6/26 240ish in the morning. It is the last thing that I can clearly remember from yesterday. I got the article. Haven’t read it yet (least I don’t think so). They used OMMP which is from the Israel psychologist or psychiatrist Orbach and Mikulincer Mental pain scale. I have read about this scale since it came out back in 2003. They also used a physical and psychological pain scale that I am not familiar with so I don’t have information about it. It is exciting to see the OMMP scale being used. Maybe now there can be some validity and widespread use (crosses fingers).

I had two cups of coffee today and I still feel tired. I had therapy today. We talked more about how our definition of validation is different. I am glad she acknowledged that. She said she cannot accept my suicidal plans or death wishes but can understand where they are coming from. That is a win as far as I am concerned. I am going to look up the validation in the BATA book because it defines it so eloquently.

I have no idea what I did with my laptop yesterday or last night. I know I was watching a video and I didn’t turn it off before closing the lid as it was still playing despite the lid being shut. When I went to turn on the laptop before therapy, it wouldn’t start. I had to press the power button several times before it started itself. I also remember waking up to pee around 2230/2240. After I pee, I went to take my meds as I hadn’t done so yet. My med boxes were empty so I didn’t fill them. I don’t know why I didn’t do this so I did so nearly half asleep. The only meds I am out of is my vitamin D which hasn’t come in yet. I just placed the order when I got paid last week.

I hope whatever my bitch sister is doing in the kitchen is done by the time my food arrives. I don’t want to listen to her stupid music.

So appreciated at my house…not

My sister has this obsession with my door being closed and I don’t like it. Not one bit. So I have been moving my niece’s furniture and blocking her door. Today she barges into my room to call me an idiot, asshole, bitch. How is your day going?

I got some much needed sleep last night around the 8^th inning of the ballgame. There is something about listening to Joe Costig that always calms me down. Sox were leading 5-2 in the 8^th and won 6-3. I wasn’t up for that part of the game. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up till the game was over. I had to pee but I didn’t stay up too long. I was so tired.

I woke up early today beginning at 0400. Then I was up nearly every hour. I took my morning meds around 0630 to shut of the alarm. I didn’t have my glasses on and turned off the wrong alarm. I turned on the cath alarm so I would be up around 0930 to have breakfast. I had a bowl of cereal and then made coffee but my sister made me so damn nervous, I left the coffee downstairs. After she swore at me, we haven’t spoken a word since. I sent her a text asking her if she mentalizes or does she just think about herself? But never got a response. She probably has me blocked.

I had texted my barber last night because I lost the website for his booking thing. I was contemplating getting my haircut or growing it out. I was liking the curls in the back of my head. All gone now. I got a two all around rather than a 0. I still look bald in front but it isn’t as noticeable. Now I have to shower again. Just as well as I am all sweaty. After the haircut I went to Starbucks for something to eat and get my mocha. I saved the lemon loaf for tomorrow and I hope no one fucking eats it. I finished the chapter I was reading in BATA and then tried to read the next one which dealt with CBT. I don’t know what the fuck it is with this therapy but soon as I try and get into it, the language changes to Greek and I can’t understand a word of it. I started to take notes so I could bring it to my therapist when I realized I have no idea what the hell they are saying. They talked about suicide mode but didn’t define it, which was frustrating. Then they went to Beck’s work and I got totally lost. I couldn’t focus anymore.

I had passed some gas and then it was getting uncomfortable. I didn’t know if I was going to shit or pass gas so I just packed up my stuff and caught the bus home. I came home just in time to release my bowels for the second time today. Fun. Luckily I didn’t soil myself. I was sweating and needed to cool off so when I was finished with the bathroom, I went up to my room to cool off.