Author: Midnight Demon

Live our lives out loud

I had therapy yesterday and we talked about my leap of inquiring about going back to college to earn my degree. My therapist was like that is optimistic. I didn’t think it was just future planning on my part. We spent the session talking about that and getting my sex changed on my birth certificate. We also talked about using skills for the week when I become anxious about the intrusive memories/delusions that I had.

I received an email from UMass/Boston about returning to the university. All I need to do is reapply and give a personal statement. I guess the next step is to go down to the financial aid office and see what they can offer me to finish my degree.

I saw my pcp today. She increased my BP meds and she said that she would get my sex change on my birth certificate notarized in two weeks or so. She did order blood work today to see how my kidneys and potassium is doing.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0230 with another headache, which I failed to mention to my pcp. I slept on and off until my med alarm went off. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, waking up a few minutes before I had to leave to catch the bus. I got dressed quickly and just grabbed my headphones and sunglasses. It was bright today. After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy and then to Starbucks for a mocha. I came home wicked tired.

I took out some chicken but it isn’t going to thaw for dinner tonight. I think I am going to make grilled cheese and have tomato soup with it. I fell in love with the tomato soup in the hospital. I would order it for lunch and dinner. It was pretty good.

I need half and half so been making a grocery list of things. Got a bunch of veggies this time around for my mother. I want to make Shepard’s pie so I ordered the stuff for it. My mother usually has some as I keep it basic.

I am so fricken tired. I think I am going to take my meds early and go to bed. I am having a hard time staying awake. I don’t have anything else planned for the week. I am hoping the visiting nurse will see me for the last time tomorrow morning. Then I can start PT without problems next week.

Box of English Bulldog puppies

Taking a leap

I was awakened around 3 or 330, I forget, but I had a severe migraine-type headache. I took some meds, went to the bathroom, then tried to fall back to sleep. I did only to wake up around 630 with the severe pain in the back of my head instead of the front. I took some Excedrin migraine tablets and couldn’t go back to sleep. I finally gave up around 9, when I took my morning meds. I had some coffee and a yogurt for breakfast. My mother had gotten up but was in a lot of pain with her leg so I made her breakfast.

I  found out today was the birthday of evermore, Taylor Swift’s 9^th studio album so I have been playing it since I got back to my room around 10. I had something to eat around 1130. My sister decided to clean house so I couldn’t sit down because she had the kitchen in disarray. She had the sink full of some kind of cleaner for the floor as she had a mop in it. Pissed me off as she had started at like 7am this morning with the bathroom and the stuff in the bathroom was still in the hallway. I hate when she cleans as she doesn’t finish the room she starts in just goes to the next room. So annoying.

I broke down two boxes in my room so that counts as cleaning. I tried finding my AA batteries for my sister, which I know I have but since my sister went through my drawer, I don’t know where anything is anymore. The batteries are missing.

I took a leap and inquired about college. I wrote to the admissions office asking if I could return as a transfer student to finish my degree. I haven’t been in college since 2008 so I hope my credits still count. If they do, I will have about 9 classes to take to finish, which ideally is two semesters, but that is full time. I don’t think I will be able to handle four classes so I will just go part-time. The goal is to get my degree by the time I am 50, three years from now. I turn 47 in two weeks, well more like twelve days. I am looking at the fall of 2023 if it is possible and I can get a grant or scholarship to finance my studies. I doubt I will be able to get a loan because I fucked up that avenue. I also got my loans forgiven so I can’t apply for federal loans anymore. I might be able to get a bank loan but my credit sucks so I doubt it. I requested my transcript just to see how many W’s are on it. I know my GPA is like 0 because I technically failed two classes, one was because I didn’t withdraw before the due date and the other was because I withdrew from college and didn’t fulfill the requirements for an extension. It was really hard to withdraw from the college but I was very psychotic and the meds I was taking was interfering with my thinking. I couldn’t concentrate right. Plus at the time I was full time working, working like 50 hours a week just to make things meet. Now that I am disabled and have a shitload of time on my hands, I think I can handle one or two classes.

I have therapy tomorrow. I hope that the snafu with the wrong provider gets corrected before the time we are to meet. I had let her know Wed that it was scheduled wrong and she was to fix it but it still isn’t. Only other appointment this week I have is with my pcp for Tues. I got to get my blood pressure rechecked and go over the new med. I will need a new script if she continues on the dose I am on. My blood pressure readings have been up and down. I got a scare when I took it last night. I got a reading of 164/142! I retook it and it was much lower. I was happy about that. I just hope she doesn’t want blood work.

Saturday Blog 10122022

In the sports world, France beat England in the World Cup and the Army/Navy football game is underway. I am rooting for Navy. I wanted to be a sailor a long time ago and never got a chance because of my mental illness.

I went out today. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. Tues I will have to pick up one more as I am out of the new blood pressure pill I am. I see my pcp then. She will decide if I am to stay at the current dose or go up on it. I have a feeling I will have to go up on it as my blood pressure readings have been high. My pulse rate has been down to 100 or less. I haven’t gotten palpitations in two days now. I was very out of breath when I came home. I started wheezing a little bit and thought I would have to use an inhaler. It quieted down some after a while.

I was up early this morning. I woke up around 330 with a wicked migraine. I tried going back to sleep but I had to pee and when I returned to my room, I was up. No chance of going back to sleep. I ordered breakfast around 630. I had a cup of coffee and I guess the food and caffeine was enough to send me back to dreamland. I didn’t get up again till after 1230. I had another cup of coffee and a piece of pumpkin pie for lunch. I wasn’t too hungry. For dinner I just had two Ensures for the protein. I am trying to lose weight for the surgery. So far I have lost three pounds. Not much but I am getting there. I have to try and lose the weight I gained while in the hospital.

My cousin called to see how I was. She had spoken to my other cousin who told her I was in the hospital so she wanted to make sure I was home before sending me a birthday card. She sends me one every year along with a Christmas card. We talked for more than a half hour catching up with things. It was so good talking to her. I really miss her. I thought about her most of the time I was on the psych unit. I wanted to call her but thought if I called with the hospital number she would worry. I couldn’t use my cell phone while in the hospital. Hard to believe I have only been out for almost three weeks now and I feel like I just left yesterday.

I did my med box for the week, filling both AM and PM slots. I am not on that many meds anymore so it took me a short time to fill it. I have a couple of meds I need to refill for next week which means I will be going to the Square. Maybe I will hit the Chipotle and have lunch there. Been a while since I ate there. Least it will get me out of the house.