Not too much to ask
I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Not too much to ask. It was a song that she did with Joe Diffie. Joe recently passed away due to the corona virus. I always loved the song.
I had therapy this morning without coffee. She said I wasn’t catastrophizing and she wasn’t sure why. I find it funny that she thinks these things. We talked about how I have skills and use them when needed. I just didn’t know I was using skills to cope with stuff. She wanted me to take in these things for when I am not feeling well. She also wants me to think about how to cope using these skills when I am having a hard time. It was a productive session even if I blanked out towards the end. I was tired and my back was hurting me most of the day today. It just hurts to move.
I didn’t receive a call from OT and hope she doesn’t call tomorrow as I don’t want to see her anymore. I just don’t think there is anything she can do for me. I am able to do stuff. I just don’t have the stamina to do it for long. I went to the store and back and I had to take a nap. I was so exhausted. My therapist thinks that because I am recovering from surgery I don’t have the emotional bandwidth that I normally have. It makes sense. I can only recover and until my body is 90% or so, I am not going to be with it. I guess that is why I have been in a weird mood, neither depressed nor happy. If I were to name it I would say that I am content, which is what I always strive for. I don’t believe in happiness. Happiness is just a fleeting emotion like everything else. Being content is what makes me feel right. I don’t know if this is going to last but I will take it. Beats being in a depressed state.
I need to shower but my back has been in spasms most of the day. Walking to the store really strained things. I have been in a state of exhaustion since coming home. I took two naps and I am still tired. Tonight I have decided that from now on, around 7 pm I am going to blog. I want to get into a routine again and seeing as I have a shit load of time on my hands I think setting a time aside to write will give me some sort of routine. If I feel like writing during another time of day, that is okay as long as I use this time to write my blog or journal or whatever. The important thing is that I write. That will be my goal each day to write. Seems simple but it really isn’t. But you got to start somewhere.