Free form blog

Writing this from phone so who knows if it will substitute words…

My CRPS foot has swelled up. Big toe is huge and foot is a melon. I have no idea why. I might have put more weight on it because of the heel pain in my right foot. Either way I cannot get the damn lower leg to relax enough so I can bloody sleep! Like WTF. I turn it this way and that and the muscles start trembling, in my foot and lower leg. I am fucking tired.

I got about two or three suicide notes to write. I got to find my post that have these lyrics because stupid me didn’t put the date on anything and it is bugging me. I am waiting for meds to kick in. Took another melatonin and ativan. Also took baclofen for the tremors. I don’t know what else to take.

Oh and you should NOT MIX ATIVAN/LORAZEPAM WITH ALCOHOL, LIKE EVER.

Just had to get that off my chest. I have been in bad moods before but this sucks. I am now feeling hopeless things will get better. I have PT tomorrow and no idea if I will be able to walk. I might get my nephew to drive me, if he isn’t doing anything. But not sure he will like going near where my father used to live and I don’t want to trigger him.

I wrote two more notes. Think two more are in order and then I will feel better to those left behind. Still few weeks away. Still may not go through with it. But it is on my mind tonight. Chronic pain is driving this more than anything or anyone else. I am just s hopeless case with bipolar disorder and unbearable pain, physical and emotional. I always knew one day I would die by my own hand. I just wish it was sooner than now. Last year was the right time. I wasted opportunity after opportunity. I just can’t deal with this bullshit anymore. Night after night after night of pain and no sleep. I’ve reached my breaking point. I call uncle.

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