Author: Midnight Demon

Saturday Blog 17122022

I got up late today. I had taken my meds around 10 then went back to bed. I didn’t get up till around 1pm. I made some coffee and had some pumpkin pie. I called my mother to see how she was doing. She sounded good. Tomorrow she is supposed to have surgery on her hip to fix the fracture. I hope she does well and can walk better. I think she is going to be in the hospital for another week, which means she will miss my birthday.

I got a message from the pharmacy saying my prescription was ready. I was going to pick it up yesterday but the weather was awful. Today was cold but better. No rain or harsh winds. I took the bus to the square and then went to Starbucks after I picked up my meds. I then caught the bus home. I got off at a stop a few away from the one I usually do because I had to use the UPS drop off up the street. It was a long way home. I was pretty exhausted by the time I came home. I am glad I made it though.

I got my transcript from UMass. I surprisingly have a 2.1 GPA, which is much better than I thought it was going to be. Now I just need to reapply and then make an appointment with the financial aid office to see how to finance my education.

I have been feeling down today. Parts of me think I need to be back in the hospital and other parts of me say fuck that, I am not going back unless I do something. I also don’t want to go back before my surgery for fear of it getting postponed again. I am trying to take things slow and work through the distress and sadness but it is so overwhelming at times. The psychache hits me like a gut punch and I am floored. I have wicked spasms in my neck and back that are killing me. I have this tension in my legs that is annoying. I am starting PT on Monday and hope that some of these issues will be addressed. I want to have some stamina before surgery. I feel like another hospital stint will just further weaken me. At the same time, I feel like I need to be there because I can’t be safe. I am struggling with thoughts of harming myself. I still wish I were dead. I just don’t see the point in living. Yes I have my surgery and that will change will bring congruence to how I feel as a man. But then what? I just feel so empty, like I have nothing to live for. I have four months before my surgery. What do I do in this time? I’m just not motivated too much to do anything. I could write a book but am wondering if it will be worthwhile.

I read on Twitter about how a therapist at the age of 9 was too scared to talk about being suicidal because of fear of being on the psych ward. A lot of people are scared of talking about their suicidal feelings because of this. They always say to reach out but then you have people who end up killing themselves anyways. I didn’t reach out. I just acted on my feelings and almost ended up dying. I have no regrets about what I did and I would do it again if I knew (and I know) it would kill me. But I don’t want to hurt my sisters. Protective factors. It is the difference right now.

Making dinner and other things

I didn’t sleep well last night because the wind kept blowing and because I still have my AC in the window, the blinds were rattling all night and most of the day, too. I finally got up around 0930 for coffee. I had some fig bars for breakfast. Then some soup for lunch as I made Shepard’s pie for dinner. No one is home so I have it whenever I want to eat. It just came out of the oven so I am going to let it cool some before devouring it.

My mother is in the hospital. She has a broken hip that needs surgery. She was supposed to have it today but they need to do some more tests before they could do it. So she might have it done tomorrow. She is finally in a room after being in the ED for a few days. She is on oxygen because her O2 sats keep dropping for some reason. I don’t know how long she will be in the hospital. Hopefully she is out before Christmas.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. I am kind of jittery but can go to sleep. I am so tired from not sleeping. I keep trying to do something to keep me awake. I put some stuff in the dishwasher. It isn’t full to run it. I also emptied it as my niece didn’t the other day. Her pots are still in the sink. I will have to wash them as she isn’t home. I hate washing pans. I can never get the grease out of them right.

I wanted to go to the Square to pick up my meds but it is cold, windy, and raining so I won’t be going out. I need to send a package to UPS for a return. The drop off is like up the street from me but it is a long walk and uphill so I won’t be able to walk it. I might be able to walk down but not up. Tomorrow when I go out I will just get off at the bus stop when I pick up my meds.

I let my psychiatrist know about my mother’s condition. He was glad I reached out. My pcp sent me a message this morning about the gabapentin dose but she hasn’t responded yet. My CRPS pain has returned and it is painful! I have been having burning pain and bone crushing pain in my foot. PCP wants me to use diclofenac gel, which I keep forgetting to use. It does help a little bit. They used it while I was in the hospital on the psych unit. They would put it on me. I wasn’t in a state to refuse. I just know they had it locked up in my room where they had a locked drawer. I thought that was kind of weird.

I had to take an Ativan today because my muscles were in spasm after I tried to wipe my ass. My back muscles just went berserk. It started with my side and then moved to my back. Now the spasms are in my neck. I hate it. Being cold in my room isn’t helping. Part of the reason I made soup was because I wanted something warm to eat. I can’t wait to have the Shepard’s pie. It has a lot of peas and carrots, more than meat. I kind of underestimated a pound of ground beef for the meal. I thought I would be getting a bigger package and I didn’t. I also need to make the spinach I bought. I bought baby spinach so I can have a salad.

I need to get a haircut. I think I will go next week before my birthday. I have PT on my birthday so I won’t be able to go that day. I hope PT is helpful for me and doesn’t cause me to regress. My back is so spastic at times. I really hope she will help with this.

Falling down a rabbit hole

I feel myself falling into the abyss of depression. I must have thought more than a few times that I should be back in the hospital. Only thing stopping me was having to tell my family I needed to be there again. I couldn’t take the why am I going back.

I stayed in bed most of the day. My mother was taken by ambulance to the hospital as she had fluid overload and was in severe pain that she couldn’t walk. My niece was with her most of the day. They are going to keep her because her O2 levels keep dropping for some reason. They don’t know why.

It has been hard to get out of bed today. I had chicken I had to cook before it went bad. I also had to put some dishes away. I emptied half the dishwasher until my back started to hurt. My back has been spasming all day. I took some muscle relaxant. I asked my pcp for some more as I only had a three day supply. It helps and doesn’t cause me to be sedated. I just feel really blah. I texted my therapist but I don’t think she will respond. Nothing seems to set off the blahs, least not that I am aware of. I keep getting the gut punch of psychache out of no where. I don’t know why I hurt so much. It leads to suicidal thoughts and feelings. I have the means to end my life and I am happy about this. I have a way out any damn time I want it.

I keep thinking what am I going to do for four fucking months until my surgery. I am completely overwhelmed with nothing at all that I can do. I am trying to lose weight. The problem is I just don’t have the fucking energy to do anything. The weather is freezing and even though I love the cold weather, it doesn’t love me back. I tend to get out of breath quicker and also can wheeze if I push myself due to the cold. I also am out of shape so trying to walk around the block will be hard. Today it took all my efforts just to try and straighten out the kitchen and make something to eat. I feel like I can lie down again and just be out for the night. I was able to brush my teeth this morning. I still need to wash my face with the facial acne cleanser so I can try and get rid of the zits on my next and around my beard.

Today was supposed to be the day I would have had surgery had I not become in a psychotic catatonic state. Maybe that is why I am blah today. It hurts knowing that I am going to be in this state for a little while longer. I have tried to reach out to other FTMs but haven’t had luck connecting.

It feels good to have the supports of my friends that are online. I can be honest with them about how I am feeling. Days like today I just want to hide from the world though. I just don’t feel strong enough to show my face. I am trying to tell myself depression lies but it is hard to believe at times. The abyss is so strong. I am just in the dark.