Author: Midnight Demon

The heaviness of depression

I woke up several times during the night because I had to pee. I later learned that because I am no longer taking my uro meds, I am not emptying my bladder completely when I void. I have a strong urge to go so I won’t cath because if I do, it is like popping a balloon and urine goes everywhere. I have learned to void then cath to avoid this. It is much easier this way. I still have to sometimes use the med app to remind me to empty as there are some days I don’t get the urge and then it is too long in between the voids. I will then get bladder pain from it because the bladder gets so big. But since stopping the uro meds, my bladder pain has been less. I don’t know if I am going to keep my uro appointment next month or not.

One of our fire alarms is beeping so we played the game which one is it. We can’t find it so it is continuing to beep. I don’t give a fuck at this point even though it is annoying as fuck. I woke up pretty late and just feel super depressed. I feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I forced myself to empty the recycle on my bed. I would have brought the bag and a few boxes down but it is raining and I don’t want to twist an ankle. Trash day has been postponed a day anyway so I have until tomorrow to bring it down. My brother in law is supposed to put in my AC but that might change because of the rain.

I hate when I feel this depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I just feel so damn tired. I wish I could sleep all day. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet but I have to as I have coffee breath. I will when I go to the bathroom again in an hour or so. Uro NP says I need to empty my bladder two hours after drinking coffee because it is a bladder irritant. I am not giving up my coffee so I will do so. It is my one joy in life. I often think what my therapist would say about being depressed. She would want me to do something that brings me pleasure. Sadly, it is hard to think of something pleasurable when you feel so down. I have a huge headache right now. I probably am a little dehydrated as all I’ve had to drink today was coffee, so far. I have to fill my water bottle. I keep saying I will do it and then I forget.

It’s supposed to be crappy the rest of the week, cool but crappy. Rain has flared up my pain. I had sent a message to my TG doc asking if the testosterone played a role in spreading the CRPS up my leg. The nurse sent me some information but it wasn’t definitive in answering my question. He said I should work with the pain clinic PA to find out why this is happening. He obviously knows jack shit about CRPS. I was too tired to educate him so I just let it go. Besides, it is a complex disorder to explain. Regardless, I am in severe pain 24/7. Pain meds reduce the pain so that it is a mumble but I still have it. I find when the pain is in my awareness I need to take a BT med. Like it is now. People don’t understand how pain can and does trigger suicidality. Pain is definitely worse when my depression is worse. It is a vicious cycle.

Three appointments and other things

I sort of woke up when dawn broke this morning. I will be glad when my bro in law puts in my AC so my room can be dark again. He should put it in when he gets home from work today. Least I am hoping so. I was just resting and snoozing. My sister knocked and came in my room but I didn’t stir. I looked at my phone thinking the med alarm didn’t go off again but it was only 730a. She came in again about 45 mins later and I asked what was up. She said my uncle died this morning. He had just came home from the hospital yesterday. I am glad his son was with him and he wasn’t alone in a hospital bed. My mother was crying off and on. When my aunt in another town came to my other aunt’s house, she got dressed to go over. A couple of hours later she called me asking for hydrogen peroxide. In the background I could hear my aunt moaning with grief. It wasn’t a pretty sound. I felt bad but I didn’t leave the house.

I had therapy for my first appointment of the day. I told her my uncle had passed. Then I asked her about mentalization. She hadn’t heard of it but she did a quick search of it and found that it was a therapy for borderline personality disorder. I said I know. It is mostly used in the UK and some places in the US. I told her I was reading the Building a Therapeutic Alliance with Suicidal patients. She then asked how to deal with someone who is obstructing care. Haha finger was pointed at me. I knew it but played along. We talked about my suicidality for a bit. The thing I left out was patient being the expert in the treatment and to be involved in care planning. I left it out because I didn’t feel like arguing with her. She still believes, and it was apparent today, that she knows all and I know nothing. Yeah, I know nothing about CBT! Other than it can help with depression. I’ll never have a collaborative approach with her.

My next appointment was with the pain clinic. I met with the PA rather than the doctor. She was very nice and knowledgeable. She wanted me to get a parasympathetic injection and I declined. She tried to make it enticing and I didn’t buy it for a minute. I don’t get injections in my back, ever. I got too much scar tissue after six surgeries. She was sneaky though. Without telling me, she ordered naloxone. I only found out when my pharmacy said they received the order. Unreal. Lost my trust.

My final appointment of the day was the pain group. I wish I didn’t go. It was such a waste of fucking time. One guy dominated the meeting with his talk about his care at the health center. I just couldn’t deal. I won’t be going next week.

I had a small bowl of cereal in between appointments. I haven’t eaten anything else today. I tried to have an iced coffee with the pain group but I just couldn’t drink it. I really am not hungry. The temp took a 20 degree nose dive today. I have been in pain most of the afternoon. I am really tired. Ballgame just started. Wacha is pitching. He is usually good but his last outing was a disaster. Pitching is always hit or miss. Yesterday they lost. So they probably will beat the shit out of the Reds tonight. Who knows. That’s what I love about baseball.

Memorial Day 2022

I had a rough day. I woke up around 1230 to pee and never went back to sleep. I tried but it was too bright in my room. It is also hot. My brother in law says he will put my AC in today. I hope this is true as my room is hot as hell. I never showered today. I just couldn’t get the energy to. I went to my sister’s BBQ stinky. I didn’t care.

It was just family and my next door neighbors over the house. It was a good time until my bitch aunt came over. She started with her stories and bitching about this person and that person at full volume. My head was ready to explode. I clarified with her that my name is G now. She started calling me my dead name. She hasn’t seen me in full beard before. Neither did my cousin who is here from Florida. His father (my uncle) isn’t doing too well. He (my uncle) just came home from the hospital. He is in hospice care.

I am wicked tired. My foot still hurts. I am so fricken hot in my room. I won’t be able to sleep unless the temp is cooler. The sun is still out and my family is still here. My brother in law won’t come up until everyone leaves and he cleans up. I hope I don’t have to wait another fricken day for him to put the AC in.

I have a full day tomorrow with appointments. I really don’t want to go to therapy. I honestly don’t know what to tell the pain clinic PA who I will be seeing. I have no idea who she is. I am not meeting with the doctor. It should be interesting. I just know the gabapentin isn’t helping the flares. All it is doing is putting weight on me. I have gained 15 pounds so far. Terrible.

I want to ask my therapist if she knows anything about mentalizing. They use it a lot in the UK for treatment for borderline personality disorder and depression. I don’t think mentalization based therapy is popular in the US. I am not advocating that my therapist know about this form of therapy. I just want to know her thoughts about it.

The party just ended and my brother in law isn’t here. I guess I am just going to sweat to death tonight as my room is 83 fucking degrees. I am beyond pissed.

Sunday Blog 29052022

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and surprisingly went back to sleep. The med app on my phone didn’t have the same settings as my other phone so when the alarm went off, it didn’t ring continuously so I didn’t hear it. I ended up sleeping until my bladder felt like exploding again. I have to drink a lot today as my urine was cloudy. I hope I don’t have an infection. I won’t be able to go to the lab until Wed as Mon is a holiday and Tues I have back to back to back appointments. I should have looked at my schedule before making an appointment for my therapist. But I thought I just had the chronic pain group meeting Tues. I forgot I have pain clinic appointment. Oops.

I feel really depressed today. My foot hurts something awful and my back hurts. I took a breakthrough med. I don’t want to do anything today but I was able to take the recycle stuff off my bed. I still have a box of coffee on my bed. I don’t know where to put it. I might bring it back downstairs and put it on the porch. If I get some energy I will take it down. I am fighting going back to sleep right now. I can’t wait till the AC is back in the window. Morning light keeps waking me up.

I have my “survival kit” on my bed. It is an empty Amazon box. I filled it with a few things that keep me grounded. But I am wondering if I need it if I am planning on ending my life in a year. I am tempted to put the things in the box back in my drawer and recycle the box. I didn’t decorate it like I wanted to.

I need to shower as I fricken stink again. The heat is making me sweat something awful. But my foot is hurting me. Yesterday, a day after the cortisone injection, my arms were burning hot. I put ice on and that helped a little. Today they are warm and I have less pain than I did yesterday. I also feel less like shit. With my back hurting me, I don’t know if I should attempt a shower. I have to brush my teeth too. I did yesterday. I had coffee this morning and have wicked coffee breath. Ick.

Foot is burning right now. I just want to sleep so I am going to do that. Maybe when I wake up, I will not be in as much pain as I am in and can shower and brush my teeth. I hate hurting so damn much. Sometimes I think that I should end it now and not wait till next year. It’s exhausting being in this much pain every day. I don’t think my pcp gets it. I honestly think, unless you have chronic pain, no one gets it.