Author: Midnight Demon

Anti hero

I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s new song Anti-Hero for the past day or so. It is stuck in my brain. I love the lyrics and melody. I have quite a few favorites on the Midnights album. It is a good album.

I have my pdoc appointment today. I need a refill on my Ativan. I just filled the Effexor and will get it tomorrow when I am out. Just hope I remember after PT to catch the right bus. I just hope the snow is somewhat gone at the bus stop. Sometimes they don’t shovel the stop and you have to go into the street to catch the bus. Sucks.

I don’t know what my problem is today but I have been sneezing since I got up this morning. I must have sneezed twenty time already if not more. Ugh. I need to take a shower as I have been sweating a lot so I stink. I will take the shower after my appointment.

I just had a bowel accident, the first since being home from the hospital. I coughed and crap came out, all loose stool. It was a mess. I definitely will need a shower today. I feel so awful about it. Least it didn’t leak to the bed though, that is my saving grace.

I haven’t worked on my book in a couple of weeks. I don’t know what to write really. I figure I will write more after my surgery in March. I cannot wait for this to happen. I will finally be free and flat chested again. I often think about the recovery and though it maybe painful, it will be worth it.

I took a shower and it exhausted me. I am more tired now than I was before I showered. I don’t know why sometimes I can shower it not affect me and other times it does. I do the same thing every time. So weird. My appointment with my pdoc went well. We talked about the care my mother needs right now. It is getting exhausting for us as she is up during the night and needs to make sure she is ok while she goes to the bathroom and remembers to put her oxygen on herself, which she is bad at doing. Her oxygen drops while she sleeps so she needs to wear the canula. We also talked about how the Effexor is helping but not that much. I am having major anxiety with my heart rate being so wild. It goes to over 130 bpm and it causes me so much discomfort. My PCP got back to me today about it after talking to my pdoc and they are going to put me on a beta blocker. I will need to get this tomorrow when I go out. I just hope I remember and take the bus to the Square rather than home after PT.

I need to put in my grocery order as I am running low on my Powerade and Gatorade. I also want turkey bacon. I haven’t made a turkey bacon sandwich in a really long time. I got to place the order for Friday as I am busy the next two days with appointments. Tomorrow is PT and Thurs is therapy.

It’s a snowy January day

It’s snowing again and I think it might actually stick today. It snowed the other day but it was just a weird flurry and the ground was too warm and wet to really accumulate. It didn’t snow for long either. I don’t know if it is going to snow for a while or not but it is coming down now.

I woke up around 0430 to pee and then I decided to stay up for a bit until fatigue set in around 0700 and I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I had three cups of coffee so I am set to do whatever. I picked and bagged my recycling in my room. I have the window open and it is kind of cold in my room. I turned the fan off because it was really cold with it on. It’s 32 degrees right now, which is perfect snow temps.

I am finding trouble with my words today. I want to write but I don’t know what to write. It is so frustrating. I have some things to say about my mother’s diagnosis but I don’t know if I should write it here or in my journal or just save it for therapy. Taking care of her has been difficult as she isn’t the easiest person to deal with. She is stubborn and doesn’t listen to what she is supposed to do. Very frustrating.

I was planning on reading today but it doesn’t look like it is going to happen. I haven’t touched the book in over a week now. I keep looking at it, wanting to pick it up but never do. I broke my routine of reading at 6pm and can’t seem to get back to it. I am too tired to read. I just am not in the right head space.

Saturday Blog 14012023

I am spending the day with my mother moaning because she is in pain. Her body hurts her. I am in the kitchen. I feel bad there is nothing I can do for her. She hasn’t eaten lunch yet because her stomach is bothering her. I don’t know what she will want.

I feel sad that there is nothing I can do for her. I took a shower while my sister was here. I stunk. I feel better now but my side is cramping. I don’t know why my side cramp up near my ribs on either side. Today is the left side. I got to take Robaxin to calm it down some. I need to take it around the clock to be effective. It sucks. I thought I was done with taking pills around the clock.

I am so fucking tired. I woke up in the middle of the night. I turned to my right side which I don’t sleep on very often and knocked my box of PRNs and stuff on the floor. I still haven’t picked it up yet because I am not in my room. My phone is charging now as I didn’t put it on the charger before bed.

I messed up my eye appointment again. I scheduled my psychiatrist at the same time of the eye appointment because I didn’t look at my calendar before I booked the appointment. I just rescheduled it for next month. I have to go seriously out of town for this appointment. It will take a bus and trains to get there. It is a long ride.

Did I mention I am tired?? I need a nap so damn bad. I have been sitting in the chair in the kitchen most of the day. Just hope my CRPS foot doesn’t act up tonight. I really don’t want to be in pain. I was last night as I needed to take gabapentin. My muscles in my ribs are hurting me so bad. I took some Tylenol for it but it doesn’t seem to be helping any. I just want to lie down but my sisters aren’t home so I still need to keep an eye on my mother.