Author: Midnight Demon

Rain turned to sun

It was supposed to rain all day today but by 11 it had stopped and the sun came out. It was muggy but a manageable muggy. I was feeling confined so I decided to go out today, my first time out in a long while. Before I left, I brushed my teeth. I was on my way out when I realized I forgot my wallet and mask. Getting them cost me missing the bus. I had to wait a half hour for the next one. I didn’t mind. It was nice out and I had a place to sit comfortably while listening to “blank space”. I had it on repeat until I got close to Starbucks and then I switched to all repeat.

I ordered the new impossible breakfast which was a plant based sausage patty with fried egg in a ciabatta bread. The bread was tasteless and the meat was good. After eating, I got out my book and read a chapter in the BATA book about mental pain. It was difficult to read as I understood the pain these people were going through in the patient descriptions of pain. When I got through reading the chapter, I collected my things and left. I caught the bus just in time. I scrolled through Twitter and one of the tweets was “what was the best thing someone told you when you were hurting”. I wanted to reply nothing but I just moved on.

The bus missed my regular stop so I got off at the next one which meant going uphill to my house. I got a palpitations attack soon as I got to my porch. I don’t know what my heart rate was as my phone no longer measures it. It took about 45 mins to calm down. Now my chest feels discomfort. My heart rate has gone down. Was in the 70s when I got to my room and is now in the 60’s. I am really tired. My ankle is hurting. I had to have it hang while sitting at Starbucks. It doesn’t like that. I was too short for the chair to reach the footrest. I thought about moving to the table to but I didn’t want to be close to anyone.

I am tired and may nap. Sox are playing late again. Tomorrow is worse as the time is a half hour later than today. I don’t know if I am going to stay up for that game. I feel really sad. I don’t know why. I thought I was handling ending therapy ok. I can’t help but think about my therapist. I don’t see my psychiatrist until next week. We got a lot to talk about. I hope he doesn’t try to encourage me to go back into therapy. I really don’t want to. I just took some ibuprofen for my chest discomfort. Hope it works. I think it is just muscle pain.

Tomorrow I plan on getting my blood drawn for the weight center. Blood tests are routine with some anemia tests and a vitamin D level. I haven’t had a vitamin D test in a while so it would be good to see where it is. I take a supplement every day because I am deficient. I started taking a B complex vitamin about a month ago. It has helped with giving me some energy. I am not as fatigued as I was before starting it. Not a huge difference but I have felt it. Will be interesting to see what my iron values are.

1989 Blank Space

I’ve had a rough night sleeping. I’ve been waking up either every hour or every few hours after some weird dreams. I gave up around 630 because I had to pee again and was hungry. I thought I had one more K-cup of my coffee but it turned out to be Dunkin’s French Vanilla. My breath stinks terribly. I need to brush my teeth. I didn’t do it yesterday. I just couldn’t find the energy.

I am listening to Taylor’s 1989 album, song Blank Space. It is fitting because I have termed it my therapy song. I have a blank space baby and I’ll write your name. It’s gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames.

I am having a hard time with not having a therapist again. I was talking to a Twitter friend last night that is a therapist. I explained the situation to her and she said I should have been validated. That made me feel better because I felt like I was losing my mind about it. I thought I was in the wrong but really my therapist is. She doesn’t know how to validate someone. She can’t understand what someone goes through that forces them to make bad choices in life. She has no empathy which makes it worse. Part of me wants to have another session with her to tell her these things. But I don’t think it will be worth it. I doubt she will change.

I didn’t drink all of the coffee. It was too sweet for my tastes. But the one thing I hate about Dunkin coffee is that it always gives me a stomachache afterwards. I thought because it was different, it would keep me up. Nope. I am ready to hit my pillow. I have been having cramps lately in my left calf and this morning, my right foot. I stopped taking tizanidine because it was causing dry mouth. I have to start taking it again because of these cramps. I notice that if I take it with magnesium, I don’t cramp or have as many spasms in my muscles. Only problem is I have to be careful with the tizanidine as it interacts with my blood pressure medication. It will lower my blood pressure to really low numbers. I have to make sure I drink a lot while taking it to keep my pressure up.

The rain has already started for the day. It is supposed to be on and off throughout the day. Afternoon is to bring tstorms. My pain is going to be crazy. It’s going to be another day in my room. I probably am going to sleep as I was up half the night. Maybe I will read some BATA. The next chapter is on mentalizing, which I love. But first, I got to get some sleep. Will write more later.

A sleepy day

Game ended at 0011 last night. I tried to sleep but my bitch sister left her room three times and was loud as hell all three times, slamming her door. WTF It startled me so I was up till around 400 when I finally was able to get some sleep. I tried writing in my journal about therapy but I was too sleepy. My med alarm went off at 0830. I shut it off and went back to sleep. I should have set an alarm because I didn’t wake up till around 1020. I had an 1100 doc appointment. Well, it wasn’t going to happen. I sent a message to the doctor’s office, emptied my bladder, and then went back to sleep after taking my meds. I kept on having weird dreams that woke me up several times but I was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t get up again till 1530.

I got up and emptied bladder. This lot of catheters seem to be defective. I’ve already had five that didn’t work. My nephew left the sink a mess with his hair so I left it for my sister to find only my mother came home before she did. I had two cups of coffee and a frozen dinner. My mother had fresh pineapple cut up so I had that as dessert. It was really good but I ate too much as the roof of my mouth is now raw.

I was thinking about my therapy session yesterday and realized a few things. One, she doesn’t have empathy. And two, our definition of validation isn’t the same. She never validated me on anything the whole time I was with her. After telling her something important, all I got was “ok”. OK isn’t validating. I felt more frustration with her than anything. I still think she always wanted to stay in control and be the “expert” in the room. There were multiple times where she asked me what I wanted from therapy. I still don’t know. I realized that what I am reading in the Building a therapeutic alliance book is not universal. I will have a difficult time trying to find a therapist who has read this book and can give me the kind of therapy it entails. But as I have only a year to do things, I don’t think engaging in another therapy would be worthwhile.

My uncle’s funeral was today. I didn’t go. My mother cried and it would have killed me to see it. She had her favorite daughters there with her anyway. He was kind but always was touchy feely. I didn’t like that. Nor did I like that he always wanted to be kissed on the lips. I tended to avoid him whenever possible.

Sox won last night. The game didn’t get over till a little after midnight, before my sister started being a bitch. West coast games are so hard as they are so late. They have three more games with the Angels. I am not sure who they play after, maybe the Mariners. Just hope the two cups of coffee I had keeps me up through till game time.

So over the weekend I sent both my therapist and psychiatrist the same message. Do you understand why I am suicidal and do you validate it. Psychiatrist responds that he will answer when meet in “person”. My therapist had quite a different response when we met for our session. She said she understood but didn’t accept my decision making. Fair. Then she asked what I was expecting from therapy and that is when I saw my way out. In a year I will be ending my life. I wasn’t sure how therapy was going to go. I seriously doubt as the time grew closer, she would just allow me to end my life without interfering. I said as much and basically said we should end now. She appreciated that I was concerned for her. But as my view of therapy (whatever that is) and hers are matching up, it is better to part ways. We ended session soon after realizing this. She said I could come back at any time. I don’t see that happening. Not with her anyways. She said she would tell my psychiatrist. I meet with him next week. I thought it was this week but got my dates wrong.

It would have been three years I’ve been with this therapist. It has been an up and down relationship. She was a good therapist, don’t get me wrong. I think she was just too good for me. We butted heads but she got through to me. I will miss her.

Tomorrow is the funeral for my uncle. I won’t be going as I have a doctor’s appointment. Been having groin pain past few days. I thought it was getting better but it flared up again today. I also been having right sided pain where my ovaries used to be. Just weird pain. It just comes and goes as it pleases, but when it hits, it is bad pain.

I woke up 15 mins before therapy. I had just enough time to void but not enough time to make sure my bladder was empty. I took my meds after session. Then tried to go back to sleep. Got up around 1530 and my bladder was overfull as it took forever to empty by cath. I plan on showering and brushing my teeth before bed. I just had coffee with some biscuits and a yogurt. Not really hungry. My sister made a pot of gravy. There’s some meatballs in there. Maybe later I will have some.

I’m feeling pretty depressed. It’s hot. I got my AC on so it is cold in my room. Just not going to do much. Maybe listen to Taylor before the game starts at 2140. Hate west coast games.