Author: Midnight Demon

Saturday Blog 21012023

I watched my mother this morning until my sisters came home from doing their errands. I then went out to do my errand, which was a waste of time because the ingredients I needed for the dish I was making was already in the house. It got me out of the house. It was exhausting though. Walking to the bus stop and then walking the two blocks to the store was tiring me out. I became out of breath and my heart was racing. I had to rest when I got to the store. I did some PT exercises while waiting for the bus. I got my breathing wrong for one of the exercises. I got frustrated and didn’t do it again.

I came home and made my chili cornbread casserole. It is such an easy dish. I made some on the side for me and it was so good. My sister didn’t like it because it was too spicy for her. Oh well, more for me and my barber. I will be giving him the dish on Tues.

I plan on clearing my bed off sometime tonight. I need to do my meds for the week. I haven’t decided if I am going to shower or not today. I am thinking not but I might change my mind. My sister is making fish for supper. I can smell it from my room. She is also making vegetables.

I miss baseball. It is going to be like 30 days for pitchers and catchers to report. I cannot wait. Spring training will be underway in the middle of March. I think the season starts around the time I have surgery so I will be able to watch/hear some games while recovering. I feel so lost without baseball in my life. I can’t believe I missed the last of the season last year because I was in the hospital. I still have no idea when JBJ got traded. I miss him. I am not expecting much this season because we don’t have stellar pitching. In fact, we still have a need for pitchers. I think the rest of the outfield and infield is set. Just hope they stay healthy.

Friday’s activities

I woke up about a half hour before my delivery came which was perfect timing. I had time to have a cup of coffee. My niece was here so she helped bring the stuff upstairs. I realized after everything was delivered, I forgot to order cornbread mix for the cornbread chili I wanted to make. I will have to go this weekend to the store to get some. I have a cab voucher I can use to get home.

After I made lunch, I was really tired so laid down to sleep for a bit. I had music on so I didn’t sleep too soundly. I had a good rest. I put the rest of the bottles of Powerade away even though one of the bags broke. I had to pick up each bottle and put it away.

I am feeling kind of depressed today. I need to shower but can’t find the energy to do it. I did manage to brush my teeth so I will call that a win. It was crappy out today with snow and rain. It was fitting my mood with the cloudy day. My ribs are still hurting me from carrying a gallon of liquid home yesterday. Carrying the bags up the stairs didn’t help. I had to take ibuprofen in addition to the Robaxin. Hope it helps like it did yesterday. I had to take some Ativan too as I kept on getting spasms.

My mood sucks. Nothing really happened to cause it to be this way but I just feel really down. I still am listening to Taylor Swift. It is really three albums not four. I thought I had Fearless TV but it is not in the playlist. I will have to add it later. I really love the Taylor’s version of her albums. I can’t stop listening to Red TV. Only song that gets me wanting to skip is Ronan because the song is so sad.

I am going to try and change my sheets this weekend. I just hope I can have the energy to do it. It shouldn’t take me long to clear off the bed. Just hope I can find the pillow cases to the sheets I want to use.

Errands and therapy

I had therapy today. I woke up and didn’t want to. I had another difficult night sleeping. I woke up around 0030 and it was hard getting back to sleep. I forced myself to get out of bed around 1000, an hour before therapy so I could have some coffee. I ran out of cream so I was only able to have one cup of coffee.

Therapy was good. For the first time in a long time, I was talking when time ran out. I hate when that happens. We talked about my mother and self-care. I told her I wasn’t good at showering because of the depression. I can go a week to more without a shower. I have a hate relationship with the shower. It tires me out so I hate taking one.

After therapy I went to the Square to get my prescriptions and do a few errands. I wanted to go to the butcher shop to get some chicken for tonight but my niece said there is chicken marinating that my sister made. So I just went to the grocery store to get half and half and milk. I didn’t realize how fucking heavy the bag would become by the time I came home. I also got some Starbucks which made the bag heavier for some reason. It was difficult managing two cups and a heavy bag. I should have taken a cab home. I wish I brought my voucher with me. Now I just want to take a damn nap.

I talked briefly about my surgery with my therapist. I thought about canceling with my mother’s diagnosis but I can’t do that. I feel like I will regret it if I postpone it.

My back is cramping big time. I can’t rest or lie down. It makes it worse. I just had something to eat and I am drinking Powerade. I wanted to get something at Starbucks but I forgot to order food. I will next time I am in the area. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I plan on doing that before bed. If I accomplish this, it will be a good day.

I got the beta blocker for my heart today and took it when I got home. I hope now my heart rate will be regulated better and I won’t go into tachycardia when going up the stairs or on exertion. I hope it works for me. I just put my recycle in a bag to be tossed. I need to clear my bed so I can change the sheets. I don’t have the energy to do it today. Maybe tomorrow or Saturday. I am getting my groceries delivered tomorrow. I am almost out of Powerade.

I have been listening to the last four Taylor Swift albums (Midnights not included). I am addicted to her music. I love Red TV. I have listened to that album so many times. It was all I listened to while I was in the hospital. I must have listened to All Too Well (10 min version) on repeat I don’t know how many times. Such a good song.

It ain’t pretty

I am listening to Martina McBride today to switch things up. I just came back from PT and even though I knew I had to pick up my prescription, I left my money at home so I couldn’t get them. Dammit. I will have to go out tomorrow after therapy. PT went good. We did some cardio and my heart didn’t go into tachycardia and I didn’t get too short of breath. Progress. I have to make some more appointments as I have just one left.

My aunts and uncle came over the house today. I got misgendered twice. I had to leave. I was wicked early for PT but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be around the transphobia again today. I just can’t deal.

I was up early as my sister got me up to take care of my mother at like 0730. I had a restless night as I woke up around midnight to pee and had a hard time settling down. I kept tossing and turning. My mother was in pain this morning as she was moaning. It was difficult to bear because there was nothing I could do for her.

I am trying to stay awake as I don’t want a repeat of last night. It is so hard because I am so tired. I just want to nap. I have been sneaking a snooze here and there but I can’t allow myself to fall asleep. I wish I wasn’t so bloody tired all the time.

I need to get my prescriptions tomorrow. I will get them after therapy tomorrow. I might go to Starbucks for a mocha in the afternoon. It was fairly warm today. I was hot with my fleece sweater. I was dressed much too warm for this weather. I am glad most of the snow is gone. I didn’t think it would stick around after a few days. I have my ceiling fan back on as it is warm in my room. That was the other reason I couldn’t get comfortable last night to sleep was because it was too warm in my room. I slept with just the sheet most of the night but even that was too warm. I hate being warm. I even have the window open.

Baseballism…Everybody deserves a second chance, but not a fourth strike. I love this quote. It sums up my mother’s relationship so much. I have given her so many chances and she never quite lived up to them. It has been one disappointment after another. Her trying to accept me as trans has been the most trying. I have decided that I don’t care anymore. She gets two chances each day to use the proper pronouns and then I walk away until the next day. It is the only way I can think of to live with her. She does accept corrections so I have that going for me.

My eyeglass frame decided to break one of the ear pieces off today. I don’t know what happened but it became loose and then when I took them off just now, the whole thing came off. I got a piece of tape securing it to the frame. I wasn’t looking to get new glasses this year, well, just buying transition lenses only but now I will have to buy another pair as a spare. Fuck. This isn’t in my budget. I will have to save another couple hundred in order to get this spare pair.