Author: Midnight Demon

A case of the missing case

I switched glasses a few weeks ago and I had the glasses I liked in a case. I had the case on my bed. Now I can’t find it and I have looked everywhere for it. By the bed, on the floor, behind my bed, under and over the sheets and blankets. In boxes that were on my bed. It is no where to be found. I checked the drawer by my bed thinking maybe I put it in there but nope, not there. I will find it when I am looking for something else. Isn’t that how it always goes?

I woke up early this morning, just before 0600. I was having bad dreams where I had attempted suicide and was pissed I survived but the thing was I was still sick yet I was walking all around the ED like nothing was wrong with me. I wanted pain medication and was denied. That pissed me off. They said I had to go for immunology blood work before I could be give the meds. So I went to the immunology lab to get my blood drawn. There wasn’t a place to get your blood drawn there so I had to go to another place outside of the hospital. It was so weird. I just was walking all over the place and like Burger King was there and some coffee place. And a pizza joint. So bizarre.

If I brush my teeth today, it will be third day in a row. I think I will before my uro appointment that I don’t want to go to but I need to tell him I have stopped the meds and how my urinating is going. It can be said in a message but seeing as I am seeing him, might as well tell him in “person”.

I am listening to evermore by Taylor, the song. I can relate to this song so much. “This pain will be evermore”. I have been experiencing a lot of pain since my baby sister decided that I needed to get off my meds and be holistic. She also implied that I should eat healthy. I wanted to reply sure go ahead and get good food that I can’t afford. The day before I told her I was depressed and she asked if there was someone I could call. I was reaching out to her. But obviously she didn’t want to be bothered. We haven’t spoken since that day. I no longer have a supportive member in my family, aside from my kids but they are young adults and I feel funny leaning on them. They have their own problems. My heart is broken. And I have no therapist which really sucks. I have my psychiatrist but I only see him once a month, sometimes every two months. He is really supportive but my only means of communicating with him is through the patient webthingy. I hate it because everything I write becomes a part of my medical record so I need to be careful when communicating my suicidality. He is also part time so I can only call him in an emergency on Tues and Thurs. I see him this week. I am glad because we have a lot to talk about.

Had the appointment with the uro. He apologized for using the wrong pronouns in my record the first visit I had with him. He said it took a lot of effort to get it done. I am glad he did because I am not a SHE! The visit went well. He is okay with me stopping the uro meds as I am emptying my bladder. He doesn’t like the volume I am having every four hours so now I have to cath every two hours. Fucking fuck. I just put on the med alarm to remind me to go. This is going to be “fun” going to the bathroom so often. I got three boxes of caths left. I might have to call the supply company and get a new order in. I am also going to keep track of how many catheters I use in a day. Right now the amount is 6 but with me going every 2 hours it might be double that. I’m not in the mood to measure my urine today but will try tomorrow to see how much I void.

Saturday Blog

I woke up after having some weird dreams about going to the Science Museum while I was in high school. I was a freshman again and our class went to the museum that day. I lost my group as I dozed off and was with some other group. I didn’t know anyone as I was new. I kept dozing off, which was weird because every time I dozed I sort of woke up, went back to sleep to continue the dream, then wake up again. So odd.

Anyways around 7 I gave up and got up. I took my meds and went downstairs to have breakfast and coffee. I watch Facebook videos of pups. The one that I love was a pitbull that had foster pups at the house and the dog didn’t mind one bit. One of the pups starting chewing the dog’s ear and he was loving it. It was so precious. I watched the video several times before moving on to another one. Pitbulls are my favorite dog type.

After breakfast, I started to feel dizzy and lightheaded, like I was going to pass out. No one was up yet but I had my phone. I waited a little bit but I wasn’t getting better. I needed to lie down. I slowly made my way to my room, being careful on the stairs. Soon as I was settled on my bed, I took my blood pressure. It was really low 88/55. I drank some Powerade and then put on a timer to go off in 15 mins to have more fluids. I laid down in bed and tried to rest but I kept thinking what was causing this. Only thing I can think of is that the muscle relaxer and my blood pressure medication was interacting, dropping my pressure. About an hour later I retook my blood pressure and it was on the button of being low at 90/60. I am still drinking fluids every fifteen minutes to try and raise it up. I am glad I have a catheter with a bag. If I still feel dizzy, I will use that to empty my bladder rather than go down the stairs. I will just empty it when I am feeling better.

Well this sucks. I wanted to go to Starbucks again and read my book. I guess I will just read my book in bed. Hope this attack passes. Yesterday I didn’t feel different at all but then I slept most of the day as I was up half the night again. I didn’t watch the game last night as I was sleeping. It was on really late but when I got up around 3am to pee, I saw the score. They won again. I was so happy. I went back to sleep after I posted and recorded the win.

Chronic pain and trauma

Chronic pain is a traumatic stressor. And other peoples’ skepticism or dismissal of chronic pain often mirrors our culture’s attitudes & responses toward many traumatic stressors– especially complex, long-term traumatic stressors that are “invisible” from the outside. Glen Patrick Doyle

With this I realized that I have been fighting not only chronic pain but also trauma as the pain triggers me into thinking something worse will happen. It hasn’t been addressed my a therapist because the therapist I saw was not a trauma therapist nor did she understand chronic pain. I was left to deal with my thoughts on my own most of the time.

It should have been a red flag for me when my therapist said that she couldn’t fit my needs. That I needed to go outside of therapy to get well. I’ve never had a therapist say that to me before. And I’ve had a lot of them. She was number 15. I know a lot about therapy. I study it when I can. I read about suicide stuff and I am an autodidact suicidologist. I sort of am with therapy but mostly psychodynamic therapy and not CBT or DBT. I have flitted through DBT stuff and some of it I find helpful. Some I do not. Same with CBT. Actually, CBT just confuses the fuck out of me. The only thing I got from that was cognitive thoughts lead to behaviors which lead to emotions and it is one big circle. I might have gotten the order wrong so please don’t quote me on this.

I won’t go back to this therapist or another one as I am planning to die and I don’t want someone to stop me. If I do see someone, I want it to be with someone that is trauma informed as well as have some dealings with chronic pain. Maybe seeing a pain psychologist will be ideal but one that isn’t trying to get me off my meds.

I honestly don’t think I need therapy. I am fine without it. And having this hang over our heads isn’t a good feeling. It is like having an elephant in the room that we just aren’t talking about. Least that was what I was feeling with this therapist. Maybe she was burned out and just didn’t want to see me anymore. I don’t know if she “terminated” me or if she is still the therapist on record. I will find out when I see my psychiatrist next week. I will tell him this about trauma and chronic pain. It is a vicious cycle. I don’t know if there is a way to get through the difficulty of it all.