Author: Midnight Demon

Tough day

I got up after 12 today. I just didn’t want to get up. I took my T shot late but it doesn’t really matter what time I take it, as long as I do. I went downstairs to make some coffee and something to eat. My aunt was there. I missed my uncle who visited. My mother told him today and I guess today is letting family know that my mother has lung cancer. There really is no treatment options for her as chemo would just make things worse, possibly even shorten rather than prolong her life. I don’t know what my mother is going to do. She hasn’t made a decision yet. I think we should get palliative care for her. I will discuss it with my sisters. It might help her.

My sister let my uncle know today that my mother has cancer. It has been a difficult day. I let my cousins know today. It has been difficult. My mother has asked her siblings to come to the house on Saturday. My sister is planning on making fish. I just hope my mother is up to it. Today is one of her bad days so she is in bed.

I had therapy yesterday. I set a goal and promptly forgot it soon as session ended because I had to relieve my bladder so bad. The last fifteen minutes of session was so hard as I had to pee so bad. It just came on all of a sudden. I thought I was going to wet my bed. We talked some more about my mother’s diagnosis and how it is going to be losing her. I know she will never see me as her son and that hurts but it is what it is. I have almost accepted this. Almost. I don’t know if I will ever get used to it. She tries so I got to give her some credit.

I was able to brush my teeth today. I still haven’t changed my sheets. I think I will do it tomorrow morning before I leave for PT. Bed is cleared off. I just need to stick my laptop somewhere safe while changing the bedding. I feel so depressed today that I don’t want to do a damn thing. I need a shower because I smell and I don’t want to. I just want to crawl under the covers and stay there. Adulting sucks.

Feeling wicked tired after getting my haircut this morning. Don’t feel up for writing today so enjoy this cat in bed

Busy Monday

I kept myself busy today and avoided going back to bed after I got up. I cleared off my bed in spurts. I can now change my sheets. I washed my comforter. It is in the dryer now. I haven’t brought it up yet. I had two cups of coffee and I was still tired. I kept moving though so I wouldn’t lie down on my bed.

I made supper for my mother and lunch. Her sugar was low at supper time and she took insulin anyway so now I need to watch her to make sure she doesn’t go hypo on me. She did have rice at dinner so I am hoping that helps raise her sugar some. Diabetes is a bitch.

For some reason, all my clothes was on my bed. I separated my every day clothes from my summer clothes. I found more underwear on my bed. I was wondering what had happened to them as before I was in the hospital I had bought more. Now I don’t have to struggle to find underwear. I also found a couple of T-shirts that were buried in the pile. I still haven’t found my “don’t interrupt me when talking to myself” shirt. I have no idea where that is. I am sure when I am looking for something else, I will find it.

I read my book for two hours last night. It was a long chapter. I have four more chapters and I think I can finish the book this week if I read a chapter a day. Since the hospitalization in the psych ward, I haven’t been able to multitask too much. I cannot listen to music and read at the same time like I used to. I hate this as it was relaxing listening to music and to read a book. But for some reason it literally causes my brain to hurt. I also cannot concentrate when music is playing. I hate it.

I have been listening to Luke Combs new album for most of the day. I love his music and voice. He is coming out with another new album in March on my father’s birthday. I can’t wait.

Lazy Sunday

I woke up in the middle of the night again to pee and then had a hard time getting back to sleep. It was difficult because my mother got up and I could hear her moving the walker around the place to the bathroom. I kept on keeping an ear out for her or my niece to see if she was ok.

My family had a meeting later in the morning to discuss my mother’s care. We are “assigned” jobs and shit. So stupid. I left when my sister went upstairs to check on my mother. I needed another cup of coffee so bad.

I went to bed after I had the coffee. I slept for a little bit then I got up around 4 to have something to eat. I need to shower and I am trying to muster up the energy for it. It is so hard. I wanted to shower last night but never did. I read instead for an hour or so. It was a short chapter I read. I am halfway through the book. I should be done with it by the end of the month. I hope anyways.

I think tomorrow I am going to change my sheets. It always takes me a few days to do it because I have to muster up the energy to clean off the bed then strip the bed and put new sheets on. It doesn’t take long once I start doing it but I procrastinate the fuck out of it.

I got to write a personal statement for my readmission to UMass/Boston. Only problem is they don’t tell me how long it should be so I don’t know what to write. I also don’t know how detailed it should be. I still need to file a FAFSA as the financial aid office said I could. It would help to get funding from Mass student aid, like grants and scholarships and such. I just hope I can get something to help finance my degree or this is futile.

I got therapy and PT this week. This week is also T week. I also got to go to the Square and pick up my meds. I got to get Latuda which will be $80. I am cringing over the cost of it. The rest of my meds aren’t as expensive and I have been managing my money better. I get paid this week so a lot of my check is going to go toward bills again. I try to save at least $50 a month just for emergencies. I so far didn’t use the money I saved last month. But that was mostly because I don’t have access to it. For some reason the account is not connected to my debit card. I need to go to the bank and get it linked. I will try and do it this week. I don’t think I have appointments on Wed so I might be able to go to the bank then.