Author: Midnight Demon

Another tiring day

I woke up in the middle of the night and had trouble falling back to sleep. I think I might have snoozed until my med alarm went off. I had a cup of coffee before going down to watch my mother for a little bit. The coffee upset my stomach for some reason. I had some rice for lunch and that didn’t settle it. Eventually it went away but I still haven’t had anything to eat other than the rice.

I went to see my pdoc. I was tired even before I got to the hospital. They had opened one of the buildings near the T station and it was easier to walk through the hospital than it was traveling through the streets to get to the building I needed to go to. It was a short appointment. We talked about meds. He went up on my antidepressant as I was on a low dose. I see him in a month.

I then went to the grocery store in the Square to get some half and half. I also bought some deli meat so I can make a sandwich. By the time I got to the pharmacy, I was so winded and exhausted. I was grateful my prescriptions weren’t ready yet so I could sit and rest for a little bit. The bus was at the station when I got there so I didn’t have to wait. I was glad. I just wanted to go home.

Tonight I have my first zoom FTM meeting. I am looking forward to it. I am not sure if it is at 6 or 7pm so I will wait till after 630 to join just to be on the safe side. I am kind of nervous. Hope it goes well.

Technical difficulties

I had therapy this morning and zoom wouldn’t cooperate. I had to go on my phone 15 minutes after session started. The app had updated and it just wouldn’t work. I uninstalled/reinstalled and I think it is working now. I had to change my password because I couldn’t remember it.

Therapy was okay. I wasn’t too talkative. We talked about my mother and her diagnosis. Not sure what is going to happen until next week when she has a doctor appointment to go over the biopsy results. We talked about what this would mean. I told her I have distanced myself from my mother for years. I had to. It was the only way for me to survive living with her. Her misgendering still bothers me. I haven’t been able to let it go as easily as the other stuff. I had to correct her last night when she said “here she comes” as I walked in the door. It is when she is stubborn on changing the pronouns I get hurt. I know she will never see me as a man. I have accepted that even before I came out to her but I just hope that maybe after my top surgery, she will change her mind? I know I am probably wishful thinking on this.

We also talked about the FTM group I will be joining tomorrow evening. She asked why the change and I told her I was having trouble connecting with another FTM resource so I am seeking another. I think it will be good to meet other FTMs in the Boston area.

I am listening to the local country radio station. I haven’t listened to my favorite DJ in so long. I miss her sweet voice. It is so good listening to new music, even if it is male dominated.

I had three cups of coffee and I am so fucking wired. I had a sandwich for lunch. I might have soup for dinner. I had an Ensure for breakfast. I don’t have much of an appetite today. The coffee is suppressing it.

Today is my niece’s birthday. We will be going to a Mexican restaurant tonight to celebrate. It should be fun. She is turning 25. I am so proud of her. I love her so much.

Exhaustion and PT

I woke up later than I wanted to so I wasn’t able to shower before my PT appointment. My mother needed test strips for checking her blood sugar so I was up and down stairs a lot today. My heart rate got up to the 130s and stayed there for a while. I got dizzy a few times for some reason. I just drank water to compensate.

When I got to PT, my heart rate was still in the 130s. It went down after I rested a bit and did some back exercises. Then we went on the treadmill. I did ok though it wore me out. She also had me do a bike for a few minutes. I was so tired after PT. I walked fairly slow on the way home because I was so tired. I also got dizzy again when I came up the stairs. BP was ok so I am not sure why I am having dizzy spells.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what to talk about. I’ll probably come up with something. I did have strong urges to OD the other night so might talk about that. Not really sure why I had the urges. They have been coming in waves. I could have easily acted on my urges but I thought about the consequences of the action.

I don’t think I am going to eat dinner tonight. I’m not sure what to have and I am not really hungry. I might just have an Ensure. I just had half a sandwich for lunch as I woke up late. I just have no appetite today. I am trying to stay up till at least 8pm. I am so tired right now I could fall asleep. Trouble is, if I do, then I will wake up around 2am and be up half the night. I don’t want that.