Listening to Jason Aldean
I am having a rough day. I didn’t get up early enough for going to get my blood drawn. I am going to try tomorrow as I set my alarm for 0630. Fingers crossed I get up and am not up in the middle of the night again. I had such a hard time sleeping last night. I went to bed around 2230 only to wake up around 1. I emptied my bladder around 0230 and then read my phone. I had the do not disturb on but it didn’t matter. I shut it off around 4. I wrote an essay about therapy when I was up because I figured I would write. I passed it along to a few people. One person responded and said it was powerful. She also gave me a chronic suicide forum to look into. I didn’t know it existed so I thanked her.
I feel depressed. Someone created a Jason Aldean music of number one hits. It’s about an hour and half long so I am listening to it. I love Jason. His voice is 100% country and it hasn’t changed like some of the other country artists have, like Jake Owen and Dustin Lynch.
Having another cup of coffee, my second one of the day and doing so, triggered my ankle. I am in a flare now. I was in pain during the night too. My leg flared up along with my foot. I just took my breakthrough med. I keep thinking about my plan. It will work as long as I don’t puke. I am still undecided on the location of where I am going to end it.
My niece sent me a text yesterday morning and it hurt, but in a good way. She told me she loved me and how much I mean to her. That she supports me even if no one else does. I was taken aback by this and it really killed me inside because I know I will be hurting her when I die. I need to write her a note. I have to look in my packet that I made and update it.
I am tired. It is almost game time. Last night the Sox won. It was a fun game. Hope I will be able to stay up for it. All I want to do is sleep. But I know if I try and sleep now, I will most likely be up all night again and then I won’t want to get up at 630 to get my blood work done.
Thirty years of therapy and what I learned
I’ve been in therapy since I was 15. After 30 years and 15 therapists, I’ve called it quits. Not because I was cured because I couldn’t get the care I needed. Not all therapists are the same. And even if someone has the credentials I am looking for, doesn’t mean it will work out. I have seen social workers, psychologists (PhDs and PsyD), psychiatrists, and psych RN. The first 10 I saw within the first 10 years of starting therapy. Each therapist I saw didn’t last more than a year. One resident I saw lasted three years, till the end of her residency, but she moved on and I didn’t see her again. I tried DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and the various psychodynamic therapies out there.
My suicidal career took up talk for the last 10 years of therapy, maybe more as it got more serious and I didn’t want to live anymore. I started researching into the different treatment options and found very little to help myself. The therapist I was seeing at the time was stuck in her ways didn’t want to adapt to what I wanted her to do in therapy to help me. It was frustrating. Then I saw a PsyD with the credentials and I thought yes! This is going to work out finally. But it didn’t because she didn’t have empathy and couldn’t give me validation when I needed it the most.
What I learned from my research into suicidology is that the person needs to tell their story of why they are suicidal. It needs to be heard by an empathic person who validates why they are suicidal. They also should appear eager to listen and to know more about the person, their pain and suffering. To find out where it hurts and to try and heal it the best they can. I can go on about things like perturbation, lethality, constriction, and psychache but those are just words no one uses anymore.
Living with pain— physical or emotional— for years is a traumatic stressor. The experience of living with pain evokes many of the same responses that being subjected to abuse or neglect does. — Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
I came across this quote while scrolling through Twitter. Dammit this guy always posts something when I am in the feels. He is correct. Pain does have the same responses as being abused or neglected. I have suffered physical pain consistently 24/7/365 for the past twelve years. Each time my foot or ankle flared up, I had flashbacks of when my back gave out ten years prior. I had to go through a series of checklists to make sure it wasn’t happening again, each time, nearly every single day. Once I had a diagnosis for the pain the checklist checking stopped but the feelings of the trauma didn’t.
My therapist who I just stopped seeing, asked me what I was looking for in therapy. But I didn’t have the words. As I am reading the book Building a Therapeutic Alliance with the suicidal Patient, I am figuring out what I need in therapy. I knew she wasn’t able to give me what I need. I am not really sure what I need. I know I want someone to talk to tell my story to. For them to listen, empathically and compassionately to what I have to say about why I am suicidal and why it has become my only option left to me.
Two cup of coffee day
I am having my second cup of coffee because I woke up late and I don’t want to go back to sleep. I had every intention to get up by 10 and go to the lab to get my blood drawn but it never happened. I woke up around 1130 to pee and then I went back to sleep. I got up a couple of hours later to have coffee and some oatmeal. I bought some fig bars, which I will never buy again. There are two small fig newton sized bars in the package. They were good though didn’t have as much fruit inside as I thought it would. I ate three packages. Then I read the box and there was more potassium than sodium per bar. Yikes. Hope it doesn’t cause any heart problems later.
I didn’t go to the pain group today. I just wasn’t interested. I got a call from my dentist. They want to discuss the first step in getting the implant done. I got the estimate yesterday. I have to pay $1000 for one fucking tooth. I don’t have the money. I would have to go on a payment plan but seeing as I plan on dying in a year, I don’t see the point in going for the expense.
It feels really weird not having therapy anymore. I read another chapter of Building a therapeutic alliance yesterday. The chapter was about suicide as an action directed thing. I really tried to follow along but I am going to have to re-read the chapter again to really try and understand it. It quoted Dr. Shhneidman who I love. I am going to attend the first suicide research symposium on Thursday. It starts at 1130a so I hope I am up by then.
I am having a big problem getting up in the morning. Part of the reason is that I am up in the middle of the night. I have noticed on nights where I sleep through (from say 1am on), I am more likely to be up by 9am. On nights where I am up around 3am, I am tired all day and sleep through the morning and sometimes the afternoon, depending if I have an appointment or not. I am more likely to nap around 5pm or at least rest for an hour or so before taking my night meds and paying attention to the Sox game. I have tried not to get on my phone when I am up in the middle of the night but when I have messages, it is hard. I might have to be mindful and put the do not disturb on. I think that blocks notification until it is turned off.
midnightdemons7 
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