Author: Midnight Demon

Long doc appointment and I am wiped out

I saw a doc from the weight center today and omg, it was such a long ass appointment that left me wanting to jump off the tobin. I had specifically told them I was not into having weight surgery. Said so beginning of the appointment. He recommended surgery. And as that wasn’t what I fucking wanted, he didn’t give me too many alternatives. Meds weren’t an option because I have little to no appetite most days. He wanted me on metformin but I heard too many thing about side effects and plus, I wasn’t near the diabetic scale so no reason for me to be on it. He did thankfully offer a dietitian appointment so maybe I can eat something called healthy. He said to come back in two months to see where we are. Ugh, if I am not satisfied with the dietitian, I am not going back to him.

All I wanted to do after the appointment was sleep. It took a lot out of me. The guy was wondering why I didn’t see a sleep specialist but seeing as most of my reasons for not sleeping are psych related, why bother. I don’t think a sleep specialist will help with bad dreams and waking up having to go pee a couple times during the night. Last night’s sleep was better. I only woke up once and was able to get back to sleep. Turning on my “do not disturb” function has helped keep me off my phone so I can actually get back to my pillow.

I have one more appointment this week for neuro. It is just after the crack of dawn (also known as 930am to most people) so I will most likely take a cab into town. Not sure if I will take one back home or take the T. it will depend on how I feel after the appointment.

My niece was able to go to the pharmacy for me. I still got to go tomorrow to pick up my BT meds as the fucking idiots lied to me again saying they were in stock when they weren’t. I asked three times and was told each time they had both in stock. Then I get a call yesterday saying nope, sorry only one was in stock the other we didn’t have enough of. Bastards. I go through this every fucking month. Last month I had to go to a different pharmacy because they didn’t have enough I didn’t have enough to cover until Mon.

I’ve had a headache since just before the grueling doc appointment. I had taken some Tylenol. It helped a little bit but now it is back again. I am also nauseous so I hope this isn’t a migraine. Sox are playing the Tigers. I’m not up to listen the ballgame so will just peep on the internet to see how they are doing.

I had an awful night sleeping last night. I kept waking up every few hours to bad dreams. I was also hungry so had a package of fig newtons. I was also drinking Gatorade like it was going out of style so I had to pee. I haven’t been a straight shot in inserting the cath. I am risking an infection every time I miss.

All I want to do today is go to the pharmacy and get my meds so I can do my med boxes. I just called the pharmacy and it won’t be ready until 1630. Fuck. I made sure they had both in stock because I’ll be pissed if it isn’t.

My foot has been cramping the past three days and I don’t know why. I’ve been taking magnesium and it has been helping. I just got to be careful because it can get the bowels running. So far I am safe. I am constipated. I took miralax yesterday. It hasn’t kicked in yet. I am so tired though. I just want to sleep.

Saturday Blog 18062022

I woke up late because, once again, I was up in the middle of the night. I kept on having weird, scary dreams and it caused me to stay awake for a little bit each time. I also had to pee as I was drinking a lot. This was the consequence of not drinking during the day. My foot was cramping most of the night. I can’t seem to get it to stop. I took some extra magnesium and it helped after an hour or two.

I tried to watch the recording of the last conference of the symposium. My internet kept making it come in and out so it would pause every 20 to 30 seconds. It was so annoying. I had to shut it off. But they got good feedback with the polls and we are hoping this will be a yearly event. It was an exciting two days of research.

I am feeling really tired and depressed today. Suicidal thoughts are running around. With urges coming and going. I just don’t want to be anymore. My heart is so heavy. I feel like no one cares. I am trying to hold on. I told my psychiatrist I want to try ketamine. It is my last hope. This doesn’t work and it will be over. I will have tried everything. I still want to have top surgery. I am kind of hoping that the gender dysphoria that I feel will be significantly less than what it is now and I won’t feel so pressure to end my life. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

I slept most of the day. I couldn’t get motivated to attend the suicide research symposium. Going to try and attend the closing session.

I feel really sad and depressed. Met with my psychiatrist and he didn’t have any answers for me. He said he would look into ketamine for me. He asked if I wanted another therapist and I said what would be the point? He said it might be helpful just to talk things over with. I’m not ready for that yet.

My TG doc called me today. My testosterone level was much higher than last time. So she has lowered the dose. I don’t care. Nothing matters to me anymore.