Saturday Blog 18062022

Saturday Blog 18062022

I woke up late because, once again, I was up in the middle of the night. I kept on having weird, scary dreams and it caused me to stay awake for a little bit each time. I also had to pee as I was drinking a lot. This was the consequence of not drinking during the day. My foot was cramping most of the night. I can’t seem to get it to stop. I took some extra magnesium and it helped after an hour or two.

I tried to watch the recording of the last conference of the symposium. My internet kept making it come in and out so it would pause every 20 to 30 seconds. It was so annoying. I had to shut it off. But they got good feedback with the polls and we are hoping this will be a yearly event. It was an exciting two days of research.

I am feeling really tired and depressed today. Suicidal thoughts are running around. With urges coming and going. I just don’t want to be anymore. My heart is so heavy. I feel like no one cares. I am trying to hold on. I told my psychiatrist I want to try ketamine. It is my last hope. This doesn’t work and it will be over. I will have tried everything. I still want to have top surgery. I am kind of hoping that the gender dysphoria that I feel will be significantly less than what it is now and I won’t feel so pressure to end my life. We’ll see. Only time will tell.