Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

in a bitchy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

In a bitchy mood

I was too sleepy to get up this morning for my neuro appointment. I literally have been in bed all day. I am wicked pissed my sister left the kitchen sink with her mess. I found my door closed so I moved my niece’s thing to block her door.

I had therapy yesterday after I had enough of the bad dreams I have been having the past few weeks. They are getting worse and my sleep is getting so disrupted. I had to talk to her about it and I had no one else to really turn to. I told her what has been happening and she thinks I got to talk about my feelings more as they are coming out in my dreams. I told her about the dream where I dreamt I attempted and was in the emergency room. Things were happening all around me but I was just watching them. I asked if we could just talk about this for a few sessions and she was okay with that.

I feel super depressed and tired. Last night I went to bed early, and by early, I mean like 5pm. I just couldn’t deal. I was so tired because I didn’t get much sleep, again. I am stressed out over my finances. I am behind in my payments with my credit cards and I don’t know when I will be ok with it. I feel like I am drowning and no one is noticing. I feel like I would be better off dead.

I am waiting for my catheter supply company to tell me that they have approved the attachment I sent them a few days ago. I still haven’t heard back. Cathing every 2 hours sucks really bad. I got to always be aware of the time. Doesn’t even matter how much I drink anymore as I just cath every two hours. I am trying to cut out drinking at night but it is difficult. For some reason the air in my room gets dry and my throat gets dry so I need something to drink. I try not to gulp it down but it is hard.

I have been thinking of writing more in my memoir about being trans. I want to write about the difficulty of having top surgery and the obstacles that you face. I think it is important for other FTMs and their allys to know about.

feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.

I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.

I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.

I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.

long doctor appt and I am wiped out

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Long doc appointment and I am wiped out

I saw a doc from the weight center today and omg, it was such a long ass appointment that left me wanting to jump off the tobin. I had specifically told them I was not into having weight surgery. Said so beginning of the appointment. He recommended surgery. And as that wasn’t what I fucking wanted, he didn’t give me too many alternatives. Meds weren’t an option because I have little to no appetite most days. He wanted me on metformin but I heard too many thing about side effects and plus, I wasn’t near the diabetic scale so no reason for me to be on it. He did thankfully offer a dietitian appointment so maybe I can eat something called healthy. He said to come back in two months to see where we are. Ugh, if I am not satisfied with the dietitian, I am not going back to him.

All I wanted to do after the appointment was sleep. It took a lot out of me. The guy was wondering why I didn’t see a sleep specialist but seeing as most of my reasons for not sleeping are psych related, why bother. I don’t think a sleep specialist will help with bad dreams and waking up having to go pee a couple times during the night. Last night’s sleep was better. I only woke up once and was able to get back to sleep. Turning on my “do not disturb” function has helped keep me off my phone so I can actually get back to my pillow.

I have one more appointment this week for neuro. It is just after the crack of dawn (also known as 930am to most people) so I will most likely take a cab into town. Not sure if I will take one back home or take the T. it will depend on how I feel after the appointment.

My niece was able to go to the pharmacy for me. I still got to go tomorrow to pick up my BT meds as the fucking idiots lied to me again saying they were in stock when they weren’t. I asked three times and was told each time they had both in stock. Then I get a call yesterday saying nope, sorry only one was in stock the other we didn’t have enough of. Bastards. I go through this every fucking month. Last month I had to go to a different pharmacy because they didn’t have enough I didn’t have enough to cover until Mon.

I’ve had a headache since just before the grueling doc appointment. I had taken some Tylenol. It helped a little bit but now it is back again. I am also nauseous so I hope this isn’t a migraine. Sox are playing the Tigers. I’m not up to listen the ballgame so will just peep on the internet to see how they are doing.