Author: Midnight Demon

I had an awful night sleeping last night. I kept waking up every few hours to bad dreams. I was also hungry so had a package of fig newtons. I was also drinking Gatorade like it was going out of style so I had to pee. I haven’t been a straight shot in inserting the cath. I am risking an infection every time I miss.

All I want to do today is go to the pharmacy and get my meds so I can do my med boxes. I just called the pharmacy and it won’t be ready until 1630. Fuck. I made sure they had both in stock because I’ll be pissed if it isn’t.

My foot has been cramping the past three days and I don’t know why. I’ve been taking magnesium and it has been helping. I just got to be careful because it can get the bowels running. So far I am safe. I am constipated. I took miralax yesterday. It hasn’t kicked in yet. I am so tired though. I just want to sleep.

Saturday Blog 18062022

I woke up late because, once again, I was up in the middle of the night. I kept on having weird, scary dreams and it caused me to stay awake for a little bit each time. I also had to pee as I was drinking a lot. This was the consequence of not drinking during the day. My foot was cramping most of the night. I can’t seem to get it to stop. I took some extra magnesium and it helped after an hour or two.

I tried to watch the recording of the last conference of the symposium. My internet kept making it come in and out so it would pause every 20 to 30 seconds. It was so annoying. I had to shut it off. But they got good feedback with the polls and we are hoping this will be a yearly event. It was an exciting two days of research.

I am feeling really tired and depressed today. Suicidal thoughts are running around. With urges coming and going. I just don’t want to be anymore. My heart is so heavy. I feel like no one cares. I am trying to hold on. I told my psychiatrist I want to try ketamine. It is my last hope. This doesn’t work and it will be over. I will have tried everything. I still want to have top surgery. I am kind of hoping that the gender dysphoria that I feel will be significantly less than what it is now and I won’t feel so pressure to end my life. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

I slept most of the day. I couldn’t get motivated to attend the suicide research symposium. Going to try and attend the closing session.

I feel really sad and depressed. Met with my psychiatrist and he didn’t have any answers for me. He said he would look into ketamine for me. He asked if I wanted another therapist and I said what would be the point? He said it might be helpful just to talk things over with. I’m not ready for that yet.

My TG doc called me today. My testosterone level was much higher than last time. So she has lowered the dose. I don’t care. Nothing matters to me anymore.