Author: Midnight Demon

Saturday Blog 04062022

Within minutes of me waking up, my foot started throbbing. I went downstairs for some coffee and to have something to eat. My sisters were there talking. Arrangements have been made for my uncle. Unfortunately, it is at a time I have a doctor’s appointment so I won’t be able to go. I shared the link to my father’s side of the family in case anyone wanted to attend.

I wanted to see if my AC worked so I plugged it in and tried to turn it on. It wouldn’t come on. I tried with the remote and got nothing. My brother in law came up and gave me the plug. I plugged in the wrong AC. Do’h. It is working fine but I can’t seem to get the wireless working as I don’t have the numbers. I have no idea where they are located but it isn’t on the side of the AC where it is visible. I don’t understand why AC makers have to put the serial and model numbers away from the panel of the thing. Why not put it where the filter is and be done with it. Oh but that is too easy. So I can’t register it for a warranty and because the box has been taken away, there is no hope of me getting the numbers until I take it out in November. I hope to get the broken AC out of the way by then.

Last night I wrote a message to my psychiatrist and therapist asking them if they understood why I want to die. I think it is important for me to know because if they don’t understand it then we got a problem. I also asked my therapist if she validates the reasons why I am suicidal. I read the chapter on psychodynamic therapy and how suicidal patients should be validated for how they are thinking about it but that doesn’t mean the therapist agrees with the decision. There has to be an understanding for the alliance to be good. Otherwise it isn’t going to be and that is a concern. Right now I don’t feel my therapist validates anything I say to her. She just says “ok”. I don’t find that validating. I started writing the highlighted text of the book into my notebook last night.

Last night I was in a lot of severe pain in my foot. Three metatarsals were throbbing and my head felt like it was going to explode. I took my migraine med and some meds for my foot. Nothing was calming down the foot pain. So I decided to read a chapter in BATA. (Building a Therapeutic Alliance with the Suicidal Patient). It stirred up a lot of things. Reading helped distract me from the pain and by the end of the chapter, the pain had decreased some.

I took a hefty dose of gaba last night with my night meds. I thought it would knock me out but I ended up staying awake until the end of the ballgame, a little after midnight. I tried writing in my journal but I was too tired. I fell asleep and slept through the night surprisingly.

My med app kept going off at times that were after I was supposed to take my meds. So I sent a message to the developers and they suggested somethings. I did them so now we will see if it works. The phone goes into a sleep mode and I think the app goes to sleep with it rather than “stay awake”. It didn’t work. My 4pm alarm didn’t go off until I unlocked the phone. Shit. Now I will have to uninstall/reinstall the app. Ugh.

Sox are playing in about 10 mins. They won last night, their 25^th win of the season. They are getting closer to being a .500 team! Going to tune in now and listen to the game.

Writing in the morning

I woke up around 145a. I wrote a page in my journal and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I woke up again around 430 to pee. I just stayed up. I had breakfast and coffee. Now I am writing and listening to Hamilton musical again. It’s been so long since I listened to it as I have been so obsessed with Taylor.

I slept most of the day yesterday. There was no ballgame. They are on the west coast now so that means late games. Boo. Games start around 2130. We play the Athletics and then the Angels. Their record is 24-27 right now. I don’t know where they are in the standings. I really don’t care. They are below .500 so until they get above then I will care.

As the game is tonight, I have time to read my book. There is supposed to be rain today so I don’t plan on going out. I have no where to go anyways. I am wearing my new glasses that I haven’t worn since I bought them. Pain is bad today because of the weather. In the middle of the night I took 2100 mg of gaba because the burning was so damn bad. My leg continues to burn. I only took 300 mg of gaba with my morning meds. I think I need to take another 600mg to get some relief. Only problem is that if I take it, my concentration and focus will not be so great so reading will be tough.

Right now I just rather sleep. And just listen to Hamilton. I never brought my recycle downstairs and today is trash day. I will next week. Things on Twitter is sad. They talk about the shooting and bans against trans kids. I just can’t deal. I feel so bad for these kids that want to play sports or even want care and can’t get it because it is banned. It kills me because more youth suicides will happen.

I need to shower. I brushed my teeth today. I feel so tired and pain is so bad. I told my youngest sister and she wants me to reach out to someone. WTF. I thought I could reach out to her. This has upset me so much. Now I don’t feel like I can count on her.

Really fucking annoyed now. My mother turned the tea kettle on and sat in the living room. She forgot she turned it on. Good thing I was home or another tea kettle would have gone up in smoke. I don’t know if bitch sister is home. If she is, she didn’t come out to check on my mother or kettle. Fuck. But I don’t do anything.

I made lunch and now my pain is worse than what it was. I am going to take some gaba and a BT med to try and calm it down. It stopped raining but the temp jumped a few degrees upward. I am sweating. Going to take a nap now. I am getting really sleepy from being up so early.

Got nothing new today. I’ve been having groin pain so will be going in Tues to get checked out. I guess my pcp is still away as I have another clinician.

The heaviness of depression

I woke up several times during the night because I had to pee. I later learned that because I am no longer taking my uro meds, I am not emptying my bladder completely when I void. I have a strong urge to go so I won’t cath because if I do, it is like popping a balloon and urine goes everywhere. I have learned to void then cath to avoid this. It is much easier this way. I still have to sometimes use the med app to remind me to empty as there are some days I don’t get the urge and then it is too long in between the voids. I will then get bladder pain from it because the bladder gets so big. But since stopping the uro meds, my bladder pain has been less. I don’t know if I am going to keep my uro appointment next month or not.

One of our fire alarms is beeping so we played the game which one is it. We can’t find it so it is continuing to beep. I don’t give a fuck at this point even though it is annoying as fuck. I woke up pretty late and just feel super depressed. I feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I forced myself to empty the recycle on my bed. I would have brought the bag and a few boxes down but it is raining and I don’t want to twist an ankle. Trash day has been postponed a day anyway so I have until tomorrow to bring it down. My brother in law is supposed to put in my AC but that might change because of the rain.

I hate when I feel this depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I just feel so damn tired. I wish I could sleep all day. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet but I have to as I have coffee breath. I will when I go to the bathroom again in an hour or so. Uro NP says I need to empty my bladder two hours after drinking coffee because it is a bladder irritant. I am not giving up my coffee so I will do so. It is my one joy in life. I often think what my therapist would say about being depressed. She would want me to do something that brings me pleasure. Sadly, it is hard to think of something pleasurable when you feel so down. I have a huge headache right now. I probably am a little dehydrated as all I’ve had to drink today was coffee, so far. I have to fill my water bottle. I keep saying I will do it and then I forget.

It’s supposed to be crappy the rest of the week, cool but crappy. Rain has flared up my pain. I had sent a message to my TG doc asking if the testosterone played a role in spreading the CRPS up my leg. The nurse sent me some information but it wasn’t definitive in answering my question. He said I should work with the pain clinic PA to find out why this is happening. He obviously knows jack shit about CRPS. I was too tired to educate him so I just let it go. Besides, it is a complex disorder to explain. Regardless, I am in severe pain 24/7. Pain meds reduce the pain so that it is a mumble but I still have it. I find when the pain is in my awareness I need to take a BT med. Like it is now. People don’t understand how pain can and does trigger suicidality. Pain is definitely worse when my depression is worse. It is a vicious cycle.