Author: Midnight Demon

Uro appointment and other things

I had urodynamic testing done. I was at the hospital for at least two hours. Nothing has changed really. I still have a dysfunctional bladder. The uro is new so he took me off all my uro meds and put me on the ones I used to take. I am only on two now. I see him virtually in two months to see how it is going. I am to measure my urine to get some data as to how much I am outputting.  That is going to be fun. For the first time ever, I was able to void after the test with no residual urine in my bladder. One of the uro meds I need to take three times a day on an empty stomach. The other I need to take with a full meal, which is usually my dinner. I am too tired today to make the med changes. I might wait till Sunday when I fill my med boxes for the week.

I got my holter monitor results today. I went into sinus tachycardia and sinus arrythmia. I don’t know what this means. My pcp won’t be back until Mon so I hope she calls me to let me know.

I am wicked tired. Legs are killing me. Ankle and shoulder are painful. I did a lot of walking today. I took an Uber into Boston as I didn’t want to deal with the T the first leg of the day. I had canceled donating blood because I knew I would be tired from the appointment and I was right. On the way home my sister sent me a text message and now she is gaslighting me asking why I am always giving her shit and she is “never in my way”. She doesn’t believe I am disabled because some therapist told her I could do things. I have no idea who she spoke to. The only therapist she ever spoke to was when I was in the hospital and we had a conference call. HOSPITAL because I was depressed and suicidal. I don’t think she told her I could do “everything”. As it is, I can barely take care of myself. Just making dinner for myself and my mother killed me. I am so exhausted it isn’t funny. Course this is the same sister that refuses to use the correct pronouns for me.

Red Sox Opening day was today. Unfortunately, they lost to the Skankees in the Bronx. I listened from the 7^th inning on, as soon as I came home from my appointment. I love that baseball season is back. Just hope I will be able to listen to the night games without falling asleep. That is going to be so hard because I have gotten used to being in bed before 10p. I had Starbucks after my appointment today. Four shots of espresso. I think that is one reason why I haven’t crashed yet. I just took my night meds so I probably will be asleep soon. I might do some reading as I haven’t done it in a while. Been too depressed.

Loss of a friend

Last night I was going through FB and came across a post about my friend and in the post it said in your memory. I was like, what? It was from his sister so I knew it wasn’t a joke. I went on his page and sure enough he passed away in Aug of last year, “tragically”. I can only assume he died by suicide. He wasn’t having a great time when I last saw him post.

I talked about it with my therapist this morning. We talked about a lot of different things this morning. Mostly about how bad my depression is. She wants me to get involved in some kind of advocacy group. She thinks I will be good at it. So after our session I applied to an advocacy group.

I tried sleeping but I couldn’t. My shoulder kept flaring up and I kept thinking about my friend. I kept wondering if I was going to be the next to die by suicide. I brought it up to my therapist but she didn’t have much to say on the matter. I told her he had fallen through the cracks of the mental health system as his therapist had moved to another position at the clinic and he didn’t have a good relationship with the therapist he had. I also don’t think he had a psychiatrist as the one he was seeing retired. I feel like I am in a kind of similar situation as I am not getting along with my therapist and my psychiatrist is seeing me every two months.

I am just sad.

The truth is, perfect resources aren’t always out there, even when we reach out. And sometimes resources that purport to help end up hurting us more.

That’s real. That happens. You’re not crazy. You’re not at fault. -Dr. Glen Doyle

Allergies and errands

I was having my coffee and all of a sudden I started sneezing, one right after another. I must have sneezed like ten times before I finally stopped. I called my mother to make sure she got down to my aunt’s house ok and started again. It was a short phone call. I am wicked congested. Sadly, I have to go out even though the pollen is high. I need to go to the post office. But I am just not feeling like getting dressed because I haven’t showered and I stink. It’s been at least a week since I last showered.

I went to group even though I didn’t feel like going. It just made me more depressed because they have no clue about CRPS and how there is no treatment for it. I wanted to tell them this but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I kept myself from telling them I plan on going to Switzerland for assisted suicide. Just told them I was depressed. I made an appointment with my therapist after I left. I am so mad at my mother today. She played games with me this morning when I had shit really bad. I let her pee and then she forgot I had to go so closed the bathroom door. I almost shit my pants waiting. Luckily I made it in time. Then while in group my niece called me telling me to go downstairs as my mother needed help. I got off group saying there was an emergency and went downstairs only to find my mother telling me she didn’t need no help. WTF. I am so mad.

Forty-five minutes ago I emptied my bladder and now my damn bladder is hurting. I can’t fucking deal with pain today. My shoulder was hurting me when I woke up this morning. It didn’t go away with the usual movements so I ended up taking a pain med before group started. That was 2.5 hours ago. I can’t take another pill for another hour and a half. I just feel like I am taking the IR meds around the clock and it isn’t supposed to be this way. I want to cry but the tears aren’t coming.

My mother made dinner. Porkchops with corn and beans. The beans were not good. I just had the corn. Allergies are bad today. Gonna have to take a second allegra. Glad my sister isn’t home or all the windows and doors would be open to let the pollen in. I hate spring time.