Author: Midnight Demon

Blog 28032022

I had a relaxing Sunday. I stayed in bed for most of the day and then only got up to eat. I finished off the chili cornbread that I had made for myself. It was so good. I have been slowly clearing off my bed to change my sheets. Hoping to be done by Wed. It just takes a lot out of me.

I brushed my teeth today and took a shower before bed. While trying to wash my back I place my arm behind my back and it caused massive pain in my shoulder and bicep. I can no longer do that. I don’t know if PT would have fixed it or not. I would have loved to have at least another month of PT to help get my function back but after five months, I guess PT was done with me.

I have therapy today. I am hoping I am awake enough for it. I don’t know if I am going to do the agenda I want to do. I really just want to talk about being depressed and stuff. I don’t feel like being a professor today. I haven’t read the workbook all week because I was so busy with appointments and stuff. I was so damn tired. I still am tired. All I keep thinking about is how to get 12k just so I can end my life. It would actually be more than that as I would have to update my passport and then have to have money for a place to stay and stuff for afterwards. I don’t want the CRPS to spread up my leg but there is nothing nobody can do about it and I don’t want to amputate my leg either, though I have thought about it a million times. I have thought about assisted suicide about as much as well. I thought about going to Oregon where they have assisted suicide but you have to be a resident there for at least six months and be terminally ill. I am not considered to be terminal. I just have a chronic pain condition that is spreading up my body. It is really distressing.

On Saturday I got my haircut. I shave it all off in support of people with cancer. My mother saw me today and said that I shouldn’t give my barber his favorite dish anymore because he “chopped” my head off. I didn’t tell her that I wanted my hair this way. Or rather my head. I have no hair on it. Just a stubble. I am thinking about shaving it off so that I am bald. Might do that later today.

I am going to tell my therapist that there is no point in continuing because I plan on ending my life.  I don’t want to continue with therapy when I am not going to change my mind. No point in learning new skills. I am not going to do it now or even soon. But it will happen probably sometime this year so I am not even sure getting top surgery will be worth it. It may so I can finally be who I want to be. And who knows, that may change my mind. I will finally have the body I have always wanted.

Since yesterday afternoon, my CRPS has been on fire. My ankle and foot have been burning me. Now I am in pain. Never fails that after the burn, comes pain. Why should I continue to live this way? Why must I always be in fucking pain? No one can stop the spread of it up my leg. Who knows if it will stop there. It might affect my whole left side of my body. I can’t live with that kind of pain every single day. I have been battling this since 2010. It has been 12 years I have been in constant pain every single day. I can no longer work. I can’t even volunteer some place due to my LTD restrictions. I am so tired, exhausted of living with pain. It will be over soon. I just got to plan it and hope it works.

Saturday Blog 26032022

My barber’s sister died so I brought him his favorite dish that I make. I got my haircut today, bald cut to support my friends fighting cancer. Now I just plan on growing my hair out but that could change if I get annoyed with my hair.

I am feeling so wiped out. I tried to nap when I came home but I guess the four shot of espresso prevented that from happening. I just couldn’t turn my brain off. I just rested for about an hour and a half. I got up when I got a second text message. I couldn’t lay there anymore. I was getting hungry, too.

I heated up the chili cornbread I made for my barber. It was so good. I still have a little leftover for tomorrow. It is one of my favorite dishes. I had gotten the recipe from Trisha Yearwood when I was watching her program on the Food Network. It is really easy to make.

I started to have nerve pain in my thigh on the way home. My thigh keeps twitching. I don’t know why it is annoyed, though I have done a lot of walking this week. The nice part was that I didn’t experience palpitations while doing so. I feel kind of depressed today for no reason in particular. I just feel run down. It just started to rain so I think that is why my leg is hurting me. Hope it doesn’t flare up the CRPS. I could use a break from that kind of pain.

Next week is not going to be as busy. I just have two appointments and they are virtual so I don’t have to leave the house. I have been working on things for therapy on Mon. I bought little notebooks to keep track of the skills. It is going to be a challenge to actually work on them when not in therapy. I still am trying to get through the workbook. I haven’t had time this week to read much of it, though I tried. I am too tired today to read it. I am giving myself the rest of the day to relax and rest.

Insomnia strikes again and I am exhausted

Insomnia hit. I didn’t go to bed till around 0700. I slept for an hour before I woke up to pee. Took my morning meds and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I then had some coffee and a Belvita biscuit before heading off to the grocery store to finish getting my ingredients. I forgot to buy onions that were premade. But my mother had a chopper thing so I was able to dice them up. I had place an order on Amazon Fresh for some ingredients and milk for my mother as I was going to have difficulty carrying a gallon of milk home on the bus.

I tried to nap when I came home from the grocery store but I couldn’t sleep. Then it was dinner time and my mother made fish. I made a spinach salad and had that and the fish and potatoes that she made. I then got an alert that my amazon was shipped so I started cooking. I just got finished now. I am totally exhausted. I just hope I can sleep tonight and not wake up at midnight again. I have to leave the house around 1030 tomorrow to be at the barber’s shop by 1130. I have to look at the schedule as I don’t know what time the bus will be here. I was going to let my hair grow but I am going to get a bald cut again as my friend in South Africa wife has leukemia. Poor woman battled through breast cancer and now she has this.

I am going to take my night meds and go to bed. I won’t be doing any reading today. I am so fricken exhausted. I found out today that if you pay $12K to Switzerland, you can die an assisted death. I am going to start saving my money.