I had a relaxing Sunday. I stayed in bed for most of the day and then only got up to eat. I finished off the chili cornbread that I had made for myself. It was so good. I have been slowly clearing off my bed to change my sheets. Hoping to be done by Wed. It just takes a lot out of me.
I brushed my teeth today and took a shower before bed. While trying to wash my back I place my arm behind my back and it caused massive pain in my shoulder and bicep. I can no longer do that. I don’t know if PT would have fixed it or not. I would have loved to have at least another month of PT to help get my function back but after five months, I guess PT was done with me.
I have therapy today. I am hoping I am awake enough for it. I don’t know if I am going to do the agenda I want to do. I really just want to talk about being depressed and stuff. I don’t feel like being a professor today. I haven’t read the workbook all week because I was so busy with appointments and stuff. I was so damn tired. I still am tired. All I keep thinking about is how to get 12k just so I can end my life. It would actually be more than that as I would have to update my passport and then have to have money for a place to stay and stuff for afterwards. I don’t want the CRPS to spread up my leg but there is nothing nobody can do about it and I don’t want to amputate my leg either, though I have thought about it a million times. I have thought about assisted suicide about as much as well. I thought about going to Oregon where they have assisted suicide but you have to be a resident there for at least six months and be terminally ill. I am not considered to be terminal. I just have a chronic pain condition that is spreading up my body. It is really distressing.
On Saturday I got my haircut. I shave it all off in support of people with cancer. My mother saw me today and said that I shouldn’t give my barber his favorite dish anymore because he “chopped” my head off. I didn’t tell her that I wanted my hair this way. Or rather my head. I have no hair on it. Just a stubble. I am thinking about shaving it off so that I am bald. Might do that later today.
I am going to tell my therapist that there is no point in continuing because I plan on ending my life. I don’t want to continue with therapy when I am not going to change my mind. No point in learning new skills. I am not going to do it now or even soon. But it will happen probably sometime this year so I am not even sure getting top surgery will be worth it. It may so I can finally be who I want to be. And who knows, that may change my mind. I will finally have the body I have always wanted.
Since yesterday afternoon, my CRPS has been on fire. My ankle and foot have been burning me. Now I am in pain. Never fails that after the burn, comes pain. Why should I continue to live this way? Why must I always be in fucking pain? No one can stop the spread of it up my leg. Who knows if it will stop there. It might affect my whole left side of my body. I can’t live with that kind of pain every single day. I have been battling this since 2010. It has been 12 years I have been in constant pain every single day. I can no longer work. I can’t even volunteer some place due to my LTD restrictions. I am so tired, exhausted of living with pain. It will be over soon. I just got to plan it and hope it works.