therapy and other depressing stuff

Therapy and other depressing stuff

I told my therapist I didn’t sleep and that I have been up since 0130 or so. I had to pee and I wasn’t able to get back to sleep because severe bladder pain kept me up. I had energy this morning after I had my coffee so I went to the lab to drop off a urine sample that is going to be negative as the urine was clear. But I did it just to be sure it is negative. I think I may have CRPS in my bladder. I asked my neurologist this question. I technically don’t have a urologist until I see him in two weeks.

I told her that once I get $12K, I will be going to Switzerland to end my life because the CRPS is spreading up my leg. I also told her I have vaguely thought about killing myself here. She knows I have the means. I don’t plan on telling her when I act on the feeling. She doesn’t know this. I don’t want a rescue or a hospitalization. I do want to have top surgery first before I end up killing myself, though. I told my therapist this. She gave me the imagery skill to use between now and next session. I told her I would practice it.

I just bought a TENS unit. I am going to see if that helps my pain. I don’t think it will do anything for my bladder but if it helps the CRPS, I am for it. That is all for today because I am falling asleep. Will write later if I have the energy.