Author: Midnight Demon

I honestly don’t know how to take my therapy anymore. I am so very suicidal and my therapist is not being helpful. frankly I just want to be done with it as I just am going to die anyways so why the fuck bother. as I am suicidologist I am trying to do the work outside of therapy to find some hope that I can hang on to. and also to share things with my therapist so she can try and help me. it is just overwhelming me because I know how to get out of this but my therapist doesn’t and no pun intended, it is killing me. why pay for therapy if I am just going to do it on my own anyways. what is the point of it all. I just don’t see it.

A bill was passed in Iowa today banning female trans kids from performing in sports. A Florida high school kid got suspended indefinitely because he handed out pride flags at a protest for the “don’t say Gay” ban. And parents are being hunted down for affirming their transgender child. I can’t take it anymore so I am off Twitter for the night. I will read my book. I’d like to finish it by this weekend anyway and start the Brief CBT book I just bought.

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up around midnight in pain and found it difficult to sleep. I was up every 3 hours or so. Was a really bad night.

Pic of white bulldog puppy. I thought it was cute to put in my blog today. I have a sore arm from therapy. I am not feeling good but might shower.

I am nervous about my appt with therapist tomorrow. I need to get a new scale because the one I have doesn’t seem to give me the right weight. It said I was 176 Sun and now a few days later I am 195 when I haven’t eaten anything significant! I don’t know what is true. I had some toast today with the last of the Kerrygold butter. That has been all I’ve eaten in two days. I know in therapy we are going to discuss it and I don’t want to.

My new CBT suicide book just got delivered. I wonder why I am still researching method on suicide prevention when they fall on deaf ears in therapy. She doesn’t have the time to look into this stuff. She doesn’t know what I know. And I don’t know what she knows. We are trying to come to an understanding. So tough when you are hurting so badly you just want to die.

New scale came. Guess all this starving myself hasn’t yielded any weight loss. Fuck. I am upset.

PT on a cold winter day

I froze my butt off waiting for the bus to go to PT. It was really cold out with a windchill about 26. I was early for my appointment as I got the early bus. I just sat in the waiting room and read Twitter while I waited. My PT said my muscles were really tight. It hurt to massage them, god did it hurt. I feel better though. She gave me a new exercise to do.

I just had some toast with my coffee. I needed something hot. I am fricken cold. I am grateful I live in a warm house. I have been having bladder pains today. It could be because I just have had coffee today. Been trying to drink water but I am not really thirsty.

I am so tired. I slept ok. I had weird dreams again. Hope I can sleep at a normal time tonight. I went to bed at 7 last night. I was exhausted.

Frustrated with therapy

I have been up since 0100 and have been researching things to say in therapy today. I have been up all night. I tried a few times to go to sleep but I was too wired. So far today I have had three cups of coffee and a cup of tea. I should drink some water soon. But all the research I brought to therapy today was not readily welcomed. She doesn’t have time to read a book about CBT brief therapy no matter how short it is. Which leaves me to just research, aka reading the suicide books to learn more about suicide to help myself. This is the work that I need to do outside of therapy.

I realized today she didn’t validate anything that I said to her about how I was feeling or what my thoughts were. I dumped all the stuff toward the end of session and because of that I have another session this week to discuss things further. I told her I wasn’t eating and she said my cognitions are going to be affected. Maybe but I got to lose this weight and I am so close to my goal. I did breakdown and order McDs last night because I was so hungry. I felt I had to. It was so good. I was hoping it would cause me to sleep and it did for a couple of hours until I woke up needing to pee. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep, at all. I was hyped up about the book I was reading and nervous about therapy. I did some research about RCT (random controlled trials) and CAMS/DBT/CBT. I found a couple of articles, one I bought because I really wanted it. So I was set with being prepared to answer her questions should they come up about what to do with my suicidality.

However, she doesn’t know what to do with my suicidality. She doesn’t have time to read the book. We agreed that therapy would be a narrative but that is as far as we got. When I told her what I have been thinking the past few weeks and that I wasn’t eating, time was out before she could say what she wanted to say so we are meeting again this week. She didn’t validate anything I said. I think she could see where the cognitive distortions were. We briefly went over a half assed safety plan.

So now we have another day this week to go over what I said and to deal with it. I am tired and going to go back to sleep. I just took my night meds with water because I forgot to put a bottle of Gatorade on my night stand.