Beautiful sad tragic
I am listening to Taylor Swift on my laptop as my phone charges. I got up around 10. Brushed my teeth then had some coffee and a muffin. I went upstairs to bring my packages. I got the willpower to shower. I feel better. I am not sure if I lost my blog streak because I didn’t blog yesterday. I have been in bed the past two days. I didn’t mean to be but I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was in a lot of pain Thurs and didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat much the past few days. I had a bowl of cereal for dinner yesterday because that is all that I wanted.
I am purposedly not eating so I lose weight. I have another 10 pounds to go before I start eating again. Then I will order a big mac that I have been craving. I hope I can order a Shamerock shake if they have it available. I love this shake.
I got the 2lb weights out of the box. I am hoping to do some curls today. I haven’t done them in a while. I haven’t done any home exercises in a while. But then it is lucky if I fricken shower so. I don’t know why my depression is so bad. I might skip therapy again. Just takes so much out of me. I am entering my third year with her. Some days I feel like things will work out with her and then there are other days when I wonder why I am still with her. Renegade song is strong with how I feel about therapy right now.
I’ve been up most of the night. I’ve had a few hours of sleep here and there but this shoulder pain keeps waking me up. I’m so pissed off because it really isn’t the shoulder but the muscles around it. The muscles in my armpit are tight. They feel like strong on a guitar. I’ve tried putting heat on but I might need to be dry needled.
I read some of my new book Cry of Pain. I like it. It talked about the history of suicide and how it was a crime. People who died by suicide lost their possessions to the king/crown instead of to their next of kin. There were laws in place for it then there were law about attempted suicide where they would be placed either in jail, workhouses, or asylums. Just cruel to those in serious pain. There was no such thing as mental health services in those days. You were just treated as a criminal hence the committed suicide came from. Hope the book gets better after this horrible chapter.
My niece mailed my monitor back. So now we wait for results. Could be mid-March before I see results. I’m not sure it is going to show anything other than tachycardia. I hope there is evidence to help my case that a beta blocker would be what i need. I know it will help the anxiety somewhat like it did before.
My foot/ankle has been acting up for most of the afternoon/evening. It is stressing me out. I sent a message to my therapist about it. I didn’t hear back. I wasn’t expecting one. I am really tired but also in a lot of pain. I’ve been taking the BT meds. It hasn’t helped. Pain is still a 9. We got a lot of snow so I think that is why I am so flared up. I never showered today but did manage to brush my teeth and shave my mustache off. I thought of taking the beard off but I wasn’t in the mood.
It’s almost 330. I’ve been up since 2 with being hot and sweaty and having shoulder pain. The muscles in my armpit are tight and they hurt. I’ve been trying to massage them. I should put heat on them but I don’t want to go downstairs.
I’m writing in my journal. I can’t take Twitter anymore. Too much pain with the Ukraine situation and trans youth being discriminated against. Beto Rourke post something to support the youth but until the damn thing is off the law books nothing will change. It just breaks my heart.
I just started reading a book called Cry of Pain. It is good except I hate the author writing committed suicide in it. It should be died by suicide. He also uses completed suicide which I hate. I am reading the 2014 edition of the book so these terms should not be in there. It is old and outdated.
I hope I get some sleep tonight. We’ll see…
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