Category: Bipolar Disorder

I woke up around 545 to a patient screaming at someone while she was on the phone. I tried going back to sleep but the pt kept having a meltdown right outside my room. I don’t know many times I heard her tell the same story while she was weeping. I felt bad but fuck, why is outside my room a place for breakdowns and phone calls? Checks person said I had to have vitals and meds around 820. My social worker wanted to meet. I used the bathroom then grabbed the stuff I did over the weekend to show her. I just wanted to get back to bed.

Nothing happened while meeting the social worker. We went over how suicidal I was over the weekend and she wants me to fill out a safety plan. Ugh. So I gave her the name of the one I use, thinking she wouldn’t do it. She did. Printed it out for me. I don’t see the fucking point as while I am here, it is not ideal. I have people around me 24/7 I can talk to if I need to. I don’t have a therapist so it would be better to use it when I am outpatient. So that was that. See ya tomorrow.

Then I meet with the doc. It is really hot on the unit as the heat is still on and it’s like 80 degrees out with high humidity. I felt really gross. Doc talked about my weekend. Then said my psych wanted to see if we could have a family meeting. I said probably not as my mother is hard of hearing and I doubt my sisters would be interested. I asked him if we could go up on the lamictal as my blood levels were barely therapeutic. So tonight will be at 100 mg twice a day. He said another doctor will be covering as he has something going on where he will be away the rest of the week. Ok.

I showered and by 1030, my damn foot explodes. Fucking fuck. Around noon my foot swelled up like a balloon. I had lunch and then stayed in my room, catching updates of the Sox game. Sucks it was a day game, now I have nothing to distract me tonight. Maybe I can read Harry.

My check in came tot talk to me. As we were talking, I got a wicked bad wave of pain. Brought fucking tears to my eyes. I wish she was gone. I could hardly talk after that. My brain was just being bombarded.

A little after change of shift, my foot started trembling. Just what I need. A dystonic foot without my pharmacy by my side. I carefully made it to the nurse’s station where I got an ativan. Then had dinner before returning to my room. I am not leaving other than to use the bathroom and night meds. I am in such a foul mood.

My mother called me. She wanted to know why I haven’t called her. I told her I didn’t feel like talking. She asked why. Like seriously? When the fuck do I talk to her when I am home?? I got irritated and my voice must have sounded it because she then hung up on me. She is so pissing me off with this fake caring. I am not calling her tomorrow. I blocked her number so when she calls it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t need her calling me like two or more times trying to get in touch with me. I texted my sisters. I just said hi. My middle sister wanted to know if I talked to my mother and I said I did. I don’t know why she wants to know if I talked to my mother.

I have been trying to write in my journal but pain has been making it difficult. I haven’t met with my 2nd shift contact person. It is not the guy I had last night. I don’t know this person well but she is nice. Not sure what we will talk about or maybe I won’t. I don’t have to. Usually they just want to make sure you are safe and if not come find them to talk. I am staying in my room so not going to find them. I can ask the checks person to tell them to come to my room. I have a private room. Sometimes I like it and other times it sucks because if I need someone immediately, I need to wait for checks.

I haven’t done PT exercises since the 2nd and 3rd day I was here. I don’t want to put anything on my left leg. Even the sheets and blanket are annoying it. I will have to try tomorrow to do them.

I emailed my psych. I told her we might have a family meeting but I was only comfortable with her. It might just be my sisters. I really don’t want my mother attending because of her hard of hearing. My mother tends to either listen to what she wants to hear, misinterprets what is said, or not hear what is said and just nods. I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. Besides, I am sure it will be all nice in front of my doc but when I am home, there might be ramifications of me pegging them as the bad guy. I don’t know if this will happen but it is possible.

Been wanting to die all day because of the fucking pain. The heat is not helping. Hope it cools off some. I got my window open a bit. Might have it open a little more later if I feel like it. I took my second dose of the breakthrough meds after dinner so if I need any later on I am screwed. Fucking wonderful. I do have another ativan I can take that is outside my night meds. That plus melatonin and hopefully I can sleep, provided the other patients don’t use my corner as a phone booth.

Too tired so here is a kitten pic

I have been having a difficult day. Bladder issues continued. My urine test finally came back and I don’t have a UTI like I thought I did. So now my bladder pain will be unresolved while I am here.

I got a bad wave of suicidal urge after dinner. Not sure why. It might have been my frustrations I am having with my damn bowels. I’ve been constipated all week and now I am bloated really bad. I feel so uncomfortable between the pressure of bowels and bladder pain. I tried pushing to see if that would let the stools out but it didn’t work. When I told a nurse she said that is the “wrong” way to go. Obviously she has never dealt with a nerve damaged bowel. I am so frustrated that the damaged caused by cauda equina syndrome is making the side effects of opioid therapy so much worse. I wish I had my damn fiber pills so I could fucking go. My contact person tonight is the charge nurse. He wanted to give me a second dose of Miralax but I think if I do, the odds of colon blow will be increased three fold. I already am on the verge of it. I am passing gas so I know stool isn’t too far away.

Family has been driving me crazy today. I don’t feel like returning my mother’s phone calls. Just don’t feel like talking to her. My middle sister texted me earlier, asking how I was and why I was here. I told her and asked her not to tell my mother. After I sent this, my mother called. I hope she didn’t tell her. I can’t cope with them right now.

I told my contact person that my urges were overwhelming me so he had me take an ativan. He asked how many I take at home and I said if I took one every time I got the urge, I’d be overdosing. I am so sleepy right now. Night meds will be at 8, though I am not sure it will start then as a patient needs to be transferred to a medical ER due to a problem they are having. This is the 2nd patient sent out today. The 1st was on a suspected appendicitis. Just nuts. This is my first admission where patients have had to be transferred out.

One of my baseball Twitter buddies posted some kitten pics. Her parents are fostering and omg are they fricken cute. There are some tiger kinds and a ginger. They are so adorable. I want a kitten so bad. Wish my mother would let me have one.

I’ve been doing the study stuff today. It is kind of getting boring as it is the same questions but in a different order every time I get one. Wearing the smart watch with my hospital band is annoying me. I want to rip the hospital band off but they need to scan it for meds and stuff. I hate it but part of being a patient on a unit.

I feel so hopeless. I don’t think I am going to get out of this pit I am in. I also feel so melancholic. I tried reading. I was able to read two chapters before I couldn’t read anymore. Also been writing in my journal and did the mood thing. Have just one more block for the day which I will do before bed.

I haven’t been in a good mood all day. I woke up in an awful mood and it has stayed that way all day. I’ve been having urinary problems and when I went to get my pain meds, I found out they have been on hold. WTF. This is so unacceptable. My evening nurse had asked me what going on but did not tell me my meds were on hold. Now I am waiting for her to talk to me. I am going to lose my temper.

I reluctantly talked to my mother this afternoon. She always acts concerned when I am in here and then when I am home, never asks how I am. So fucking fake. I know she doesn’t care. I told her I here for a medication change and she asked if they changed it. I said they did (they haven’t) and then she said when am I coming home. She couldn’t understand that just because they changed it, I couldn’t go home. I got so aggravated. If it was that “simple” don’t you think it could have been done as an outpatient?? Fuck, this lady has no common sense. Don’t know why she wants me home anyways other than to call me a whatever and a lazy ass. God I hate her.

I haven’t heard from my middle sister since the day I got admitted. She doesn’t keep in touch with me regularly anyways so I am not that surprised. My youngest sister has. She always does though. We text more often than my middle sister.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Every time the checks person came to my room, I woke up, which is like every half hour or so. Tonight I am not closing the door all the way. I only did it last night because it was so noisy and I was in so much pain. I had such a bad flare last night. If I don’t get my pain meds there is going to be hell on the unit. I don’t give a fuck. I didn’t come into the unit to wither in agony. I could have done that at home, like I have been doing. Only difference is at least at home, I’d have my pharmacy with me. I have no idea if they are holding them because of pending test results or not. Either case, WTF. Who’s bright idea was it to withhold a chronic pain patient’s pain meds?? Like seriously?

The social worker on the unit gave me a mood tracker thing to do for the weekend. I am supposed to do it three times a day as I told her writing in my journal might be lengthy and I don’t always write feelings down, unless I am pissed off or anxious about something specific. I will try to do it. I’m not that great at doing paperwork when I am inpatient. I just think it is a waste of time as I don’t think it is as useful as the social worker thinks it is.

There is a person who likes to play the unit’s piano and it is so annoying because there is no song just tapping the damn keys. Pissing me off.

The nurse just came in to talk to me. She said the doc ordered a med for me to take and she is not going to hold my pain meds so just given it. She did say a UTI can cause the symptoms I am having. She does not want to cath me and I don’t either. She did say that the urge to pee is a symptom of UTI’s so I may have it as I don’t have the typical symptoms of one due to the nerve damage I have. Sometimes I will have bladder spasms and pain but I don’t. We are hoping the urinalysis results come in later tonight. I just hope I don’t have to have another bladder scan. It wasn’t bad but it just is uncomfortable. What was weird I voided and few minutes later I had the urge to go again. I’ve had water, tea, and some ginger ale and haven’t peed since the scan. That was 6 hours ago. Wish I brought a diaper with me as I’ve been leaking more with this shit going on. I also haven’t had a bowel movement since Monday. I had taken a laxative but it hasn’t worked yet. Wish I brought my fiber pills. They work better than the Miralax and senna sometimes. I might take another dose of Miralax tonight.

I managed a shower today so that was a good thing. I will need to probably wash clothes this weekend as I’ve been going through underwear with the urine problems. I had brought extra because I usually leak anyway but now it is worse. Dinner will be here soon. I’m not that hungry as I’ve been snacking since lunch. For some reason I’ve been having the hungry horrors today. First time this has happened since March!

Lady Antebellum released a new song today and it is so good. Also one of the fill in DJs on my country radio station recommended an artist I never heard of. He released a new song today and I love it. Been listening to both songs on repeat. I haven’t added them to my country mix playlist yet. I usually hear music for a while then add. I love Lady A so much. Hillary Scott is such a sweetheart and is hot. She is just so damn cute. She is married and has 3 girls, 2 of which are twins.

Going to stop here. Hope this weekend goes well and I don’t flare tonight.