Category: depression

Mourning and grief

My mother’s birthday is this week and I have been thinking a lot about her and the week before she died. She died a week after my top surgery. She was against it. She never saw the results and I think that is a blessing because my muscles aren’t uniform and the scars aren’t either. I know she would say something negative about it and it would hurt me. But yesterday in therapy I realized that I when she died, I had to deal with grief of my mother and my body and adjust to the “new” me. I couldn’t handle it as the grief just took over everything and the depression didn’t help. I shut down. It didn’t help that I didn’t have a supportive therapist. She always wanted to problem solve everything. I couldn’t just talk. I had to do some kind of action to help myself. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was going on. And then when she washed her hands of trying to help me with coping skills, I knew we were over. Why would I continue seeing her if she wasn’t going to help me.

I am glad my therapist isn’t part of the hospital I go to so my records are truly private. I hated that my pcp could read my therapist’s notes or anyone else that had access to my record. My psychiatrist has always been a part of my record and there really is no “therapy” going on other than discussing med issues and getting refills.

I belong to a few transgender support groups on FB and when members post their post op messages, I feel kind of sad because I never felt the euphoria they feel because it was compounded by grief. Also I didn’t like my body. I never realized how fat I was because the boobs were in the way. My stomach is big and I don’t like it. I haven’t done anything to change it. I have a hard time dieting. And because my physical limits, I can’t walk or do exercise without pain.

I had a difficult night sleeping. I kept waking up from weird dreams and then needing to pee. I had taken some Nyquil because I had the sniffles and the interrupted sleep caused me to be hungover when I woke up this morning. I never went out because it was bitterly cold out and the wind was howling at times. I got a headache now. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

Monday melancholy

I woke up well before 7am. I don’t know the time because I didn’t look at my phone. I woke up from a weird dream that was like being in Criminal Minds or something. I was following a serial killer. Weird man. I got up around 730 because I had to pee. Sister was in the bathroom so I had to go downstairs. I am grateful and my bladder is too. I couldn’t go back to sleep so stayed up. My therapist texted me while I was downstairs. She had transportation issues so wouldn’t be in the office but would be keeping appointments virtually. I was sad because I wanted to get arancini and chicken pot pie from the Italian place. I will have to get it next week.

I took my meds and then had a couple cups of coffee. I wanted to go to the Square and pick up my meds. For some reason, I can’t get none of them delivered. It’s pick up only. I wanted Starbucks so tried to brush my teeth and go but by the time I looked at the clock it was 11 and there wasn’t enough time to come back for my appointment. So I will go tomorrow. I will go to campus to get my books and then the pharmacy on the way home.

Therapy went well. I told her I was afraid of overwhelming her as I seem to be dumping on her and she said it is ok. She will tell me if she is overwhelmed. I told her about Shneidman and his works. She is open to reading the chapters in Suicidal Mind. She never heard about caring contacts before so I explained what it was. I didn’t tell her I was an autodidact suicidologist. Maybe next week.

After therapy, I checked the bus schedule and the next bus was in like 40 mins. It’s bitterly cold out so decided to stay in. I ordered lunch as I didn’t feel like cooking. I got the damn sniffles today and it’s annoying me. I hope I am not getting sick. My sister has a cold and sounds terrible. It’s supposed to be cold tomorrow so I plan on wearing a mask. I just hope I can breathe. I’ve become so out of breath while walking lately it’s not funny. I don’t see my pcp until next week. Not like she is going to do anything except say increase my activity levels.

I’ve been feeling down most of the day. I really wanted a Starbucks drink. I will get it tomorrow. I could have ordered it but last time it was so damn expensive, I didn’t feel like splurging. I hate that I can’t use my Starbucks card on their app for delivery. So stupid.

Since I started therapy with new therapist, I came to a realization that since my mother died, I feel cut off. Like I know I’m still suicidal at times but it’s not like it was before. I cpuld still go through with it but I don’t want to,  which is a change in my thinking.  I can’t explain it. I’ve gone from years of being suicidal to feeling nothing. Sometimes it feels empty or numb.  But most times it’s nothing. I feel sad at times and depressed. My energy is always so low. I have no motivation to do things. I don’t know if this is grief.

I started this Dec 29th. I meant to finish it but forgot. I decided to listen to Lonestar today as I was feeling down and the second song after they played was Rascal Flatts what hurts the most. Fuck it brought up so many feelings and psychache was so deep. I couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes, I felt like killing myself. I thought about the pills and what the fucks. I used a DBT skill. I don’t know the name of it but you sit with the feeling until it passes. By the time Lonestar played again with their 9/11 song I’m already there i was crying. Then my niece’s song by Kenny Chesney came on. Omg the feelings.

I got up and did my meds. Drank some water. I took some stuff off my bed. I checked off the meds from my list. Now I just need to pull myself together to shower. I ordered dinner because fuck today is a hard day. I wasn’t going to order anything today but the hell with it. I don’t feel like cooking. I got a sandwich and soup from Panera. I haven’t ordered from there before but their soups are good. There used to be one I went to when I had a car. It’s kind of expensive but worth it.

A member of my transgender group is in Boston tonight. I might meet up with her if this headache goes away. I just hope Temps don’t go down too much.

Saturday Blog 04012025

Today is my niece’s birthday but I couldn’t get up. I had such a headache. All night I was having dreams and each time I woke up, I had a headache that hurt more than the last one. I stayed in bed until I wanted some coffee. I had just one cup as I ordered lunch. I didn’t feel like cooking.

I feel like shit today and don’t want to do anything. I attempted to clear my bed off, just half of it. I am putting things away as I go. Maybe by the middle of the week I can wash my bedding. That is the goal for the week. Monday I will be out. I might be out Tues depending on if I go to campus or not. I have to do a test run and see how far a walk the building class is from the shuttle stop is and where the classroom is. The building doesn’t have linear numbers. They just have scattered numbers for their classrooms. I have yet to figure out the order so I know I will be going around in circles trying to find this room. I know it’s on the first floor so that is good.

I am feeling so tired. I might have a cup of tea. I just want to drink something hot.