Category: depression

Sleepless Friday

I had about two hours sleep yesterday and only got maybe four last night. I woke up around midnight to pee and then I had a sneeze attack that woke me up. I kind of dozed for a little while but I woke up around 5 and I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was in pain. I took my pain meds and I honestly didn’t think I was in that much pain but I was. I felt so much better as my hip didn’t hurt me anymore. I stayed up, playing my game. I briefly got caught up on the dumpster fire called America. I read one article that pissed me off and went off the app. I haven’t gone back to it except to see pet pics.

I managed to brush my teeth, shave my head, and trim my beard and mustache. I didn’t close my mouth while trimming my mustache so got some hair in it. I blew it out and got hair everywhere. I wasn’t happy. I need to shower but I am so damn tired. I feel like shit. It is much cooler today than it was yesterday. Rain is expected this weekend. I hope it stays cool and no humidity.

Our upright freezer is broken. I think the compressor shit the bed. My sister saved my ice cream but not everything. There is like three shelves of food that have thawed out including my frozen meals. I will eat the food every day.

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about my anger and she gave me some website that I am to review and write about. I haven’t done it yet. It will be a post but I haven’t decided if I am going to make it public or password protected. I will decide when I write it. I also met with my pcp yesterday. We discussed bottom surgery and gave me a good report about the surgeon I picked for it. We also talked about GLP1 drug to lose weight. Unfortunately, I picked the wrong one I wanted to be on and now I can’t remember which one it was. I know it began with a T. I should have wrote it down. Anyway, it needs a prior authorization and my pcp is going on vacation next week so will work on it when she comes back. I don’t mind waiting. She said that I could lose between 5-15% of my weight. It all depends on how I feel and respond to the drug. I need to get some ensure as someone I know who is on it said that he uses it when there is a dose change because it can make you nauseous for a few days. I don’t know what the regimen will be like but I just read a promising study on the drug I chose incorrectly and seems it works at lower doses longer than increasing them within an 8 week time frame.

I am so bloody tired. I took a sleeping pill last night and it didn’t help. Sox played a day game and lost so I have no reason to be up till 10pm. I doubt I will make it. I feel so sick. Yesterday the heat was really getting to me. I don’t know how the dog can sit in the sun. This puppy loves the heat. She still hides from me at times when her mother isn’t home. Today she was just lounging on the rug. Didn’t get up for me to pet her. Little stinker. She pooped in the kitchen when I went downstairs. She doesn’t tell anyone when she has to go potty. She just goes, mostly in the kitchen. I am going to have ice cream for dinner. I need the calories for my Latuda.

Today was hot and muggy but I went grocery shopping and picked up my meds. I was sweating while waiting for the bus home. I felt bad leaving the puppy alone but I had to. She forgave me as I gave her some treats when I came home. She didn’t pee or poop, tho she did chew on her mother’s new rug. She is teething.

I felt great until I had to walk home. The heat was getting to me and I had to rest. I definitely need a shower but will take one either before bed or tomorrow before my appts, if I get up before noon.

I got my pain meds today and my insurance didn’t cover the 10 days. Only 7. I can pay out of pocket for the 3 pills otherwise I have to get a prior authorization. So fucking stupid. Also my Zofran isn’t in tablet form. It’s the oral dissolving tablets that I hate. They don’t work like the tablets do. Pharmacist said I can swallow them. If they don’t work, I’ll just tell my pcp and get her to give me the tablets. I forgot to tell her when I requested it. I am so mad at myself.

Went to a different grocery store and they had Ben and Jerry’s chocolate therapy! I was so happy. I got two pints and a fudge brownie. I told my bitch sister not to eat them. They were lower priced than the other store and I got eggs for 4 bucks a dozen. I didn’t get any meat. I really didn’t know what I wanted. I got my frozen meals so I am set with that and I got a few salad mixes that I hope don’t freeze in my fridge. Going to have salad for dinner tonight.

Next few days are going to in the 90s or above. I hate it. Today I was so exhausted. My legs felt like jelly when going up or down the stairs. I watched the puppy. She was either on the bed or in her crate (she put herself there). Her mom should be home soon. I don’t know why they have to play with her dog food. They add stuff to it and she doesn’t eat it. Saw a bunch in the trash and it was stinking up the kitchen. The trash needed to be taken out but it was too heavy for me.

I finally brushed my teeth and shaved. I thought about trimming my beard but I was sweating in the bathroom and didn’t want to stay longer. I really haven’t had much to drink besides coffee. I roasted some zucchini and forgot to use oil. It should be ok. I’ve made it before like that. If I had the energy I would have made it with eggs and breadcrumbs. It was big enough to fry it like that.

I had a.meeting today with the study. They wanted to talk about interventions after the hospital and we discussed different strategies. I think they are on track with it. They sent me my safety plan again. I am going to share it with my therapist on Thursday.

I got a headache and just want to sleep. I just finished a cup of coffee so I don’t understand why I am sleepy. This is like the fifth headache in a week I’ve had. I know it is heat related because when the temps are lower, I don’t get one. I see my pcp Thurs. I had to request some Zofran and a new nurse messaged me. I hope the nice nurse I’ve know the past few years is still there. It will suck if she left.

I am going to ask my pcp for a meta letter. I still need to reschedule the appt for bottom surgery but it doesn’t hurt to get the letters now. I also want to know if the procedure is done at the hospital. Also want to talk about getting on the weight loss drug. I’m scared to being these things up because it so personal and I have such a fear of rejection.

I asked my sister for something and went down to her apt to pick it up. She was telling me one of her friends was on the weight loss drug I was thinking of trying and instead of acceptance, I was met with judgements. I should be walking around the block and not be drinking powerade anymore. I would love to do that but it’s 100 degrees outside and I can barely tolerate the 200 degrees in the house. My legs felt like jelly today and I have such a fucking headache right now it’s not funny. Plus I get short of breath so easily now because I am becoming a damn hermit. I am eating just enough calories to survive so my weight doesn’t change much. Except I’ve been eating more chips lately and I think that has added the pounds. I’ve gained like 20 pounds with this depression episode. And the only way I know to lose it is to stop eating. Some days I will only have coffee or a sandwich. I just eat once a day, sometimes twice if I am hungry. I just can’t take their ableism. It hurts because I try and just can’t some days. Like today I needed to pick up my meds. I was too hot so didn’t leave the house. I will try again tomorrow. They don’t understand how hard it is for me. And I hate myself for it.