Category: depression

Christmas Day 2024

I woke up cranky as my sister woke me up for festivities this morning. I didn’t want to get up. I had a shitty night sleeping. I immediately had a cup of coffee when I got to my sister’s apartment. My sister was making breakfast for us. Then we did presents. I don’t know why I had to get up for this as we had a grab and that was the whole point of the grab. I was in a cranky mood and just wanted to go back to bed.

I napped for a bit and then got up to bring the cheese I bought down. My sister confiscated one of the packages. I wanted to shave but couldn’t bring myself to do it. My sister bought me some tonic water and I had some of that while waiting for the food to be done. I went up and down stairs a few times. The food was good. I am still full. I had some dessert and that did it. I had cookies, pie, and flan. I was thinking of having a coffee but that would make me more full so I didn’t. We played a game and I got tired.

I thought about my parents. I miss them. I had my T shot today and almost didn’t take it because the alarm was with my med alarm and I didn’t notice it. Thank god I have it in my calendar. I think I am getting a cold. My nose has been stuffy all day. I am going to take some Nyquil before bed. Usually it helps. I have been taking allegra twice a day for a few days. I am hoping to try and clean some part of my room while I am on break. I really need to hire someone to help me. My sisters don’t have the time and I don’t need their criticism as they “help”. I hope I get some sleep tonight that is not perturbed. I keep having dreams about my house in East Boston. I don’t know why I keep going back there.

Tomorrow I need to get my blood work done and get my “real” ID, which is an upgrade on my license just to prove I am a citizen of the US. My next goal is to renew my passport. I have to figure out how to get my photo done. I have the paperwork all set and the documents. I think I need to make an appointment at the post office to file it. I will worry about it when I have the money. I got to figure out how to pay for $300 textbooks for the Spring semester.

Christmas Eve 2024

I had a difficult time sleeping. I woke up around midnight from dreaming something awful about my mother. It really disturbed me. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I read for a bit and then wrote in my journal. I don’t now when I fell asleep but it was after 4am. I kept tossing and turning.

I got up around 1pm. I had a coffee. I ordered my sister’s present as I forgot to get it when I was out yesterday. I had coffee. I didn’t want anything to eat. I was going to order Chinese food later. I got a response from my professor about my paper and she said I didn’t follow the rubric. Her and her fucking rubrics. I didn’t know there was one. Fuck. All the grades are now in. I got a C+ and I am not happy with it but I guess I will have to take it. I am so upset.

I ordered the food. It came pretty quickly. It was good. The spice level was a bit higher than previously and I like it a lot. Then we did the Christmas grab. I got a gift card to the Texas Roadhouse. I went upstairs and napped for a bit. I want to have something sweet but I don’t know what to have. I wish I had ice cream.

Busy birthday 2024

I got up before 10 today. I wanted to go to Starbucks and do a few errands. It was freezing out so I got out my beanie hat. I didn’t know if the walk to the bus stop was going to like. Part of the way was icy and then it was clear. I was careful and did slip a few times but I didn’t fall. I bought new sneakers that had a better grip and are waterproof. I still slipped. Guess there is no match for ice. I walked to the library to return my book after I had something to eat at Starbucks. I had to walk around the square as certain areas were clear and others not so much. I stayed at the library to catch my breath before leaving. I finished my drink, which didn’t taste like it should but it was still yummy. I think it was because I had so many espresso shots in it. I walked to the bus stop and waited. I was out of breath going the two and half blocks. The cold was not good for my lungs. I had to stop at the pharmacy and just made it before their lunch break.

I came home and changed. I was still short of breath and coughing. Sometimes I would wheeze. It took a few hours for it to settle down. I tried taking a nap but my phone kept going off. I should have put the do not disturb on. I realized while I was at the library I needed to go for bloodwork. I didn’t feel like going into town. I will go on Thursday as I will be getting my “real” ID. I got the next Finlay Donovan book as the library had it.

My birthday dinner was good. My nephew showed up late but he came and I was grateful. I miss him. I scored on Starbucks cards. My cousin gave me some of her chocolate chip cookies that I love. My sister gave me some chocolate that I don’t like but it’s ok. I will give it to someone else, hehehe.

I got some of my grades back today and it has me very upset. I didn’t do too well on my paper. My average dropped to a C level. I sent an email to my professor to ask why I did so terrible on the paper. I had done all she asked and put more into it. I don’t know. I am still waiting for the group and exam grades. It sucks I worked so hard in this class and to have a C is just killing me.

Last night I finally took a shower after dinner. My sister was getting so heated about why I wasn’t showering. She doesn’t understand how hard it is for me. I get out of breath while washing up and drying off. I need to sit a few times if my back cramps up. The whole experience just leaves me exhausted. Yeah I feel better but I need to rest for like an hour afterwards and drink a lot of water because I get so thirsty. And I am usually done in like 10 mins. Ten minutes for me to become exhausted just from washing and drying myself. I have to psych myself up to take one. I almost forgot to do my meds because I took a nap and that threw everything off. My sisters don’t understand how painful it is for me to shower. It takes a lot of effort and I try to be better at it but it just doesn’t work out.

I am tired. I woke up a few times during the night with strange dreams. I kept on waking up with a headache. I keep having dreams where I am in the psych hospital. I just wander around. It’s so weird because in real life you can’t leave the ward. I don’t know. I hate the dreams. I wish I could have a good night of sleeping without dreams.

Listening to Christmas music

My sister woke me up around noon. She asked if I still wanted to go to the grocery store and I did as my cousin backed out of taking me. I quickly got dressed and was brushing my teeth when she called again to say she was here. I got my things and was ready before my sisters were finished. I got a pumpkin pie and some pumpkin eggnog. I spent almost $60 on the few things I bought. I am making a charcuterie board for Christmas and needed the cheeses and meats. That was the most expensive part of what I bought. I bought a container that had two different cheeses and pepperoni. It was like $15. Shit.

I came home and needed coffee. I was only able to have one cup before my sister kicked me out of the kitchen because she was making stuff. I had some oatmeal. I need another cup of coffee. I shaved and then went up to my room. I plan on showering soon. My sister said I stink. I know it’s been a few days since I last showered. I need to do my meds. I got a text from my pharmacy. Even though I don’t have auto-refills, they still fill my meds every month. I will pick them up tomorrow when I go for my birthday drink at Starbucks.

It’s fricken so cold out, like 17 degrees. I never took my AC out of the window. I hope it will be ok. It’s covered in snow. I had a late dinner and then I took my shower. It was cold in the bathroom as we don’t have heat there. I washed quickly and then dried off. I didn’t bring my clothes down so I just wrapped the towel around me and went up to my room. After I rested a few minutes, I did my meds that I had neglected to do this afternoon. I completely forgot. I am out of the Depakote. I have just a few days worth. Hopefully I will pick it up tomorrow. I changed the music to the Lukes, Luke Bryan and Combs.

I am tired. I took a nap for a little bit and had some weird dreams. I am going to watch a show tonight with Lisa Kudrow. It’s a new series she is in. I don’t know what I want to read. It’s not that I lack books. I have bought a few during the semester. And I still have the Finlay Donovan series to finish. I have a book on grief I want to read. Maybe I will start that. It’s a short book.