Category: depression

I wonder if I ever cross your mind

I woke up to pee before my alarms went off. I took my meds and then had some coffee. Then I brushed my teeth and checked the bus schedule. I had some time before I had to leave the house. I was kind of nervous. It was wicked cold this morning so I debated wearing layers. In the end, I decided just to wear my plaid shirt and my jacket and I am glad because by the time I walked to the bus stop, I was sweating.

I got to my hometown in like half an hour. I waited for the bus. I was still early. Around ten, the therapist called my name. She was young. We went to her office. We talked and went over things. I basically told her that after my top surgery and my mother’s death, I just shut down. I don’t feel anything. The only time I feel anything is if it is in extremes and even then, it is briefly. I am glad I discovered this. I don’t really know what to do about it. Maybe in time I can feel again. I see her next week.

I went home after. I got a headache when I came home. I had something to eat. I was really hungry. I remembered to take out the ground beef for the Manwich. I will make it tomorrow after class. I tried taking notes and my brain freaked out. There is a handout on learning and memory which is a review for me as I took it last semester. But I can’t do anything with this damn headache right now. I have been trying to think of something for this paper but I got nothing. It feels like someone is hitting me in the back of my head right now so it is hard to concentrate. I just got an email from the psych department for course evaluation. I won’t fill it out today. I really like this professor. The only complaint I have is she can be a little ADHD in class. She is better in zoom than she is in person. She has made it fun learning but her exams suck. I really don’t feel like I have learned anything when it comes to the exams. I feel dumb.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I have a busy week. I have to remember to put some money on my Tpass tomorrow. I also got to put funds on my Starbucks account. I wish my hometown had a Starbucks. They do, but it’s not near where my therapist is. It’s on the other side of town, almost on the edge of another city. Least it was. I don’t know if it still is. I haven’t been on that end of the highway in a long time. I went by my elementary school today and there was construction. I don’t know what they are doing to it. I asked the community page if anyone knew. The firehouse is still there. I love my hometown so much. I am glad to be there, even if it is once a week.

A shave and shower

I woke up later than I intended to. I had my coffee and the last slice of pumpkin pie. I decided that after I had my coffee, I was going to buzz my hair and face and then shower. I was also going to brush my teeth. After this, I was going to work on my paper.

I did all that. I had to take the shower downstairs as my sister still hadn’t put our shower curtain back up. I was wicked out of breath after the shower so I had some water and rested in my sister’s kitchen for a bit. Then I grabbed my dirty clothes and went to my room. I turned on my laptop and nothing happened. I waited a few minutes and still nothing so I had to restart. Then I realized I didn’t do my meds. So I got those out. I did that while my laptop was booting up. I still had no ideas about what to write. I was getting a headache. Then my sister came home and omg she just started yelling and screaming because I left a few hairs in the bathroom. I thought I got all of them. She got me so mad though because she said she “doesn’t need to come home to this” meanwhile the shower curtain is still not hung so no one can take a shower! And last night she had the fucking audacity to say to her daughter that this was HER house in front of me. So now I am going to make her life a living hell. Fuck her.

My laptop finally booted up. I opened the document and stared at it. Nothing is coming to me. The headache is worse so I took some meds for it. I had leftover mac and cheese for supper. Someone had my dark chocolate ice cream bars. I am not happy about that. Seems like everyone keeps eating my food because I am the only one that does shopping. Someone has also been into my Pepsi.

I have therapy tomorrow and I hope they change my name tomorrow or there is going to be a problem. I have to get up early tomorrow. I already set my alarm. I am not looking forward to it. I also changed my med alarm an hour earlier. I might as well as my classes next semester are earlier and I need to be up and out of the house by 10. I’ll be going to my hometown tomorrow but I won’t be going to the beach as it is going to be wicked cold. I might need a jacket, actually I will need a jacket because it will be colder there as it is by the water. I don’t know if there will be wind. If there is, it will be colder. I need to go to the grocery store for a few things after the appointment. I want some more pumpkin pie and maybe some cookies. My sister made sugar cookies last week and now I have been craving them.

Saturday Blog 30112024

I woke up in the middle of the night again. It took a while for me to go back to sleep. I got up really late. My sister was home and was making noise. I stayed in my room as long as I could. I then went down for coffee. My niece was cooking. Someone used the rest of my half and half so I couldn’t have coffee. It was after 2pm and I didn’t feel like going to the store. I was mad.

I went back to my room and started working on my paper. I worked on it all afternoon and I am still not finished with it. I wrote a few sentences and then I would play on my phone. And that is how things went. I just couldn’t get into a writing groove. I kept going back to the articles I was citing, reading them and trying to come up with something to write.

I wanted to write the paper or at least get most of it done and then cut my hair. My sister took a shower and then took the shower curtains down to be washed. There went that idea. I was not happy. So not only did I not have coffee today, I couldn’t take a shower. I went back up to my room and I got a headache. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t have one in like two weeks. If I did have one, it was mild. I am tired and I have just been up a few hours. I have taken my night meds. I don’t know why I am so tired. I haven’t done anything. This is what pisses me off. I am already having the Sunday scaries because I need to be up early on Monday so I can make the therapy appointment on time. I need to make sure they change my name.

Stuffed with leftovers and ice cream

I woke up a little before 1am to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I was up a few hours before I finally fell back to sleep. Then I woke up around 7ish to pee again. I took my meds and managed to sleep. I didn’t get up till 12ish. I wanted coffee. I went downstairs to my sister’s. She ended up giving me her Keurig. I was thankful. I had another cup of coffee and then went upstairs.

I read the article on cortisol and suicide. It was interesting and I am going to write it up. I just had a ton of food and then I had ice cream followed by a coffee because I wanted something hot. My niece had the door open so the kitchen was cold. Now I don’t feel like doing anything.

I wanted to buzz my hair but I didn’t have the energy to do it. I haven’t been in the mood to do much of anything today. I keep thinking about my paper but not sure where to go with it. I know it will come to me but time is running out and I need a rough draft by Sunday. I only got like 400 words and one page. It needs to be at least four pages.

My bitchy sister came home and was so “supportive”. She said I stink and need a shower. Thanks. Showering was the last thing on my mind today. Maybe if I did my hair, I might have showered afterwards. I am tired and I didn’t do anything all day except drink coffee. I had three cups. The third cup I had with dinner after I had the ice cream. I just wanted something hot. I been feeling kind of depressed today. Been thinking of my mother and father. My niece had a picture of them as her cover and in this pic, I sort of look like my father. I miss my parents. Turkey day was not the same this year. It never will be the same.