Category: depression

Classes and therapy

I got up early this morning. I woke up at around 3am and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I snoozed on and off until my sister got up. Then my alarm went off and I waited for my med alarm before getting out of bed. I had one cup of coffee and then I had to leave to catch the bus. It snowed out but wasn’t that cold. I wore my new sneakers as they are waterproof.

I got to therapy in time, with ten minutes to spare. There were people in the waiting room. Seemed like they all knew each other. I gave my copy of Shneidman to my therapist and told her which chapters to read. She bookmarked them. We talked about different things. I told her about my anxiety and she suggested that I try and have at least three affirmations each day. I don’t know if I will do it.  I have a hard time finding something positive about myself on any given day.

My laptop has been running since I thought I shut it off yesterday after I blogged. Something is wrong with the power. It doesn’t seem to be recognizing when the lid is shut. So I will have to shut down my laptop from now on.

I got several emails from my English professor. They sent the syllabus and how the class is structured. There will be three five page papers due over the semester. I finally have the first book to read. I am freaking out because it has to be in MLA format and I have no idea what that is but we can’t use outside sources other than the book so I don’t get it. I am going to be struggling to get five pages done on these books.

I did some Italian work when I got on my laptop. I made some schedule of what I do during the week. Have no idea if I did it right. I got to do some blah blah blah’g on one section. Then make some sentences in another. I wish I had confidence in what I was doing. I had to look up some words. I really think my Italian is going to be easier than English class.

I am tired. I had Chipotle for lunch and my stomach got bloated. Seems everything I eat makes me bloated. I found that there is a Starbucks right at the corner of the blue line so next week when I see my therapist I am going to leave early so I can have a coffee before session.

School and the felon

I slept late today because I didn’t have to get up early. I had a weird dream and when I woke up, I was in such deep sleep that I didn’t know where I was or what year it was. I got up and used the bathroom and then came back to my room to take my meds. I checked to see what news was and found that the felon is pausing federal grants and loans. He caused havoc everywhere. I don’t know if I will get SNAP this month. He did this illegally. I hope the dems do something. My college degree hangs in the balance.

I had a few cups of coffee and then I tried to do Italian. I still don’t know if I did it right. I still got like a page to do for the homework, which is all review. I know some stuff and others I don’t remember anything. Next week will be the language lab so will be going to that. I need all the practice I can get.

My niece made baked cauliflower. It was salty and cheesy. My side is hurting and I feel bloated. I shaved but haven’t showered yet. I need to shower. I probably will after I blog this. I don’t know what I will do tonight. I’ve been playing this game called Township. It’s like the farming game that was on FB years ago. I got to do some more Italian, too. I got to write some stuff in the homework. I have therapy tomorrow morning. I hope I wake up early enough to be out of the house by 9. Last few times I have met in person, I just made it to the appointment on time. It messes with my anxiety when I am not early. Being on time just kills me.

I packed my backpack for tomorrow. I got to return my library book. Hopefully, I can connect from the blue to green lines tomorrow without a problem. I got such a headache right now. I hope I can sleep. I got to shower first. Hope the hot water helps my head. Today has been a fucking day. And I fear what tomorrow will bring.

RIP little buddy

Going down a rabbit hole

I’ve been up since 5. I finished my library book. It took me two hours to finish. I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t. I just rested. Then I got a headache soon as I laid down. The headache turned into a migraine and my head hurts so bad right now. I got up around 11 as my cousin called and said he would be by. I asked him to get me some half and half as he was going to the store. It was all I needed. I had my coffee while I waited for him.

I did my meds after he came by. I also brushed my teeth. I need to shave but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I checked on the college app to see if there was anything for Italian and the professor had already posted stuff. I read the syllabus and it made me anxious. There is going to be an oral exam and I fear my accent is going to fuck me over. It’s bad enough I can’t pronounce things in Duolingo sometimes. Maybe having a conversation will be easier. I looked at the review and don’t remember the forms of the verb Essere. I have to look it up. I will do it tomorrow as my head is going to kill me.

I opened my laptop and went down a rabbit hole with Amazon. I spent nearly an hour chatting with them trying to get a digital album that I had problems downloading. I talked to four different people. The last person said to wait an hour for the system to clear and then try again. I will try tomorrow. I had enough bullshit today. I just wanted to blog and instead chose a rabbit hole…

I keep having anxiety over school, which isn’t helping my headache. I finally told one of my sisters about my gallbladder. I really hope it doesn’t flare up more than it has. I keep getting bloated every time I eat something. I have some discomfort in my side but it is tolerable. I hate that the only option is surgery. I sent my pcp a reply as I found an article today about long Covid impacting exercise and when I looked at the symptoms, there were similar to what I have been experiencing. So maybe I am not deconditioned like my doc thinks I am. It’s just strange to me that suddenly I went from being able to walk a couple blocks without a problem to it suddenly being a problem. Every time I walk to the bus stop, I am short of breath by the time I reach it. It is all flat streets, no hills or incline. If I go to the pharmacy around the corner there is a bit of an incline as I reach the end of the street and going up Broadway. My town is wicked hilly. Hence the city on the hill. I wish I was able to finish that Boston history class. It was interesting but I really wasn’t getting much from it.

I don’t have anything to do tomorrow other than try and do the Italian work. The class doesn’t seem too intensive but I do have to go to the language lab at least for a few weeks consecutively. It meets in the morning which is going to be a problem and then I will have an hour until my next class. This week I will be out of the house Tues till Friday. I set alarms so I will be up, hopefully.