Category: depression

Freaking Friday

I had a rough night with this damn cold. I was coughing and sneezing most of the night until I took some Nyquil to get some sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1230pm. I was still congested and sneezing and coughing when I went down to make some coffee. I had a cup and a half as the Keurig ran out of water. I hate when I don’t look before making a cup.

I didn’t go to class yesterday because I woke up with a migraine. I had it nearly all day. Coughing didn’t help matters. I checked to see if grades were posted and our quiz scores were up. I got 17/20 so I am happy. Now I am waiting anxiously for exam 1 grades. I took my Anthro test Wed night and I swear if I get a C, I will take it. I hate this class and one of the answers for the test I didn’t know. I really didn’t study too hard for this test and my short answer questions were that, short and brief. I just looked at the syllabus to see what is next and there is another article to be read and then a film after lecture. Fun.

I plan on reading chapter 4 of my psych book. I had another cup of coffee with my lunch/dinner. I should have a cup of tea. I need to go to the grocery store for more half and half. I hope my brother in law can take me tomorrow. I also need to get some turkey as I want a turkey sandwich.

I don’t know what is going on with our electric bill. It keeps going up and down every month. Never a consistent price. I will pay half of it next week when I get paid. It will be a miracle if I have anything leftover after I pay my bills. I have just 3 bucks in my checking right now, actually, no I don’t because I paid for my meds to be delivered so I wouldn’t have to go to the Square tomorrow. Ugh. Being an adult sucks. I got to pay UMB next week, too. I am grateful my uncle gave me the money for the semester but I feel guilty. He believes in me so I am going to study hard this semester, like I have the past few weeks. I hope I did well in my psych exam. I have more of an inclination to make sure my psych classes have good marks. I have no idea if I will ever get beyond my bachelor’s but if I do, I will be lucky. I hope one day to be a therapist but I don’t know how likely that is going to be.

I worked on my book a little bit. I had to edit some stuff that I knew off the top of my head. I need to write an acknowledgement page but I have no idea what to write. It was a nurse in the hospital that urged me to write this book. No one else has. I had it in my mind to possibly write a second memoir but I honestly didn’t think I would write it this fast. It needs to be edited and played with a bit. I’m not sure when I will get this done. I still have to pay the editor something next week, too. Ugh so many fucking bills. The nice thing is that this editor has a mental health background so I am hoping this will be a good fit. I can’t believe March is here already. I just think about how last year was the last month of my mother’s life. It has been so hard the past few days dealing with grief. I remember her calling me son, twice, during the last month of her life. I will never know if this was her acceptance of me or if her mind was gone and she just thought I was her son because I looked male.

First exam done

I didn’t sleep most of the night. I was worried about my finances and class and getting my degree. I have been thinking of asking my uncle for help with the cost of college but I don’t know how to ask him. I got up around 10 and had a coffee. I wanted to make eggs but I didn’t have the energy.

I went to Starbucks and had my mocha and something to eat. I didn’t bring my backpack so just grabbed a pen and out the door I went. I was kind of wheezing when I got to the bus stop. I put my mask on so I could cough without infecting anyone. I got there early. I just played with my phone until the other class left and then went in the classroom. The test was all multiple choice. Some answers I knew and others I struggled with. The extra credit was about cocaine and I didn’t know the answer so didn’t get it.

I was done with the exam in like 15 mins. I left and went home. I had to wait a half hour for the bus, which sucked. I wanted to get a haircut but my barber wasn’t in the shop so I will see him tomorrow. I wanted to order a cold cut calzone but my sister said she had food so I raided her fridge when I rested for a bit. I was so tired when I came home. I also was coughing a lot. I think I will be taking Nyquil tonight.

I need to read a chapter of my Anthro book to finish the book. I don’t know if it is going to be tonight. I am feeling really tired and don’t think my brain can take it. I read like two chapters yesterday. Tomorrow starts the exam. I have been thinking about dropping this class but I don’t know if I will lose the little financial aid I got for one class. I won’t be able to afford full cost of a class. I am stressing out.

I feel like shit. This cough won’t let me be. I plan on taking Nyquil tonight to help control it. I need to rest.

Gold rush

I had therapy today and I swear I wanted to end it 15 minutes into it. We were discussing anxiety and how I catastrophize a lot of the time. She also brought up my many messages to my medical providers. I have a chronic illness and it gets to messages. I might have medical anxiety over something. She feels like it is too much. I don’t recognize this medical anxiety stuff. My therapist doesn’t know anything about medicine yet is trying to tell me I am contacting my doctor too much? I don’t think my pcp would tolerate me contacting her for shit reasons. I wouldn’t be on 20 meds a day for being “normal”. Fuck. It was a frustrating session.

I tried reading what I was supposed to for my Anthro class, which I found out we are having our first exam this week. I am freaking out. I have an exam tomorrow in my psych class. I spent the weekend studying. I read half a chapter. I will finish the rest tonight before bed. I need to take a shower. I fricken stink. I hate sweating so much and it’s just winter. I opened the window in my room last night to get some fresh air in.

I feel so depressed. It’s that time of day when I feel really low and life seems pointless. I feel like a nobody. Insurmountable grief. I try writing how I feel every day so that I can wrestle with the demons that ravage my mind. Some days I feel successful at it. Other days, I struggle to get the words out. I don’t know what I am doing half the time. I keep thinking of dying. Yet, I am still here. I don’t know why I am.

Trying to study

I decided to go through the powerpoint slides for my psych class. I just keep going over and over it. I haven’t done chapt 2 yet. I will do that in a little bit. I emailed the professor to see when we will get our quiz back.

I slept throughout the night and woke up around 7. I didn’t get up until 10 or so. I feel a little better than I did yesterday but I am still congested. I didn’t take Nyquil last night because the cough wasn’t bad. I am having a hard time coughing up the congestion though. It feels like it is sitting in my chest. I might have to see my pcp this week.

I need to do my med boxes for the week. I have been putting it off. I feel really tired despite me getting some sleep through the night. This cold sucks. My sister is sick too. I am going to go through the slides and then take a nap.