Category: depression

August and everything after

Since yesterday, I have been listening to the Counting Crows, August and everything after album. My friend posted lyrics from one of the songs and I had to listen. Now I am stuck listening to them. I can’t stop. Such a good album.

I did my observation assignment today. Now I just got to type it up. I wrote a page worth of notes. That with my questions/proposal should hopefully be around 800 words. I think the minimum was 750. I am going to have someone read it before I post it on the site.

It took a LOT for me to get out of bed today. I had a hard time sleeping last, again. I am so tired. I got up to pee and then just went back to bed. I think I had coffee before taking my meds. I honestly don’t remember the morning but the dreams I had were so fucking weird and gave me headaches, which just made me want to stay in bed. I knew I had to do my assignment today or it just wasn’t going to get done. I took my time getting ready, though. I had a bologna sandwich and coffee before leaving the house. I tried the new lavender latte and didn’t like it at all. I think the lavender would be a good tea though, not a coffee.

I came home and was tired. I wanted to get some burgers but was too lazy to walk to the butcher shop and back. I might go tomorrow after I meet with my friend. She is coming to Boston to meet me. She is bringing her doggie. I can’t wait to meet him. I just hope the rain holds off. It is still at like 50% right now. The temps are supposed to be in the 50s so it should be nice if the rain holds off.

I don’t think since this morning. I think I had two cups of coffee and half a one at Starbucks. I drank half a Gatorade when I came home. I have no urge to pee. I always get worried when it has been more than six hours since my last void. I need to wash out my water bottle before refilling it. There wasn’t much in there, maybe a couple of ounces. I haven’t had to cath in over a year and I want to keep it that way. Only trouble is I don’t quite remember when I got up to pee, if it was 9 or 11. I hate having to keep track of these things. At least my loose bowels have stopped. I didn’t take the senna or magnesium last night and didn’t tonight either because I will be going out tomorrow and I don’t want to have to rush to find a bathroom.

I need to see the TA for my psych class because there are some concepts I am not understanding that will be on the exam. I did so poorly on the quiz I am worried. I still am two chapters behind. I don’t know when I will read the book as I still haven’t read the Anthro stuff and I am behind on those readings, too. I am just overwhelmed right now and this bout of insomnia is not helping as I feel like shit in the morning.

Sneeze attacks and insomnia

I was up all night again. I couldn’t sleep. I woke up around midnight and it was over. I tried sleeping, reading, writing, taking an Ativan. Nothing got me back to sleep. I woke up after maybe two hours of weird dreaming and feel like shit. I had to use the bathroom. Someone was in my bathroom so I went to use my sister’s. I didn’t take senna or magnesium last night because my bowels have been loose. I crapped again loose bowels as I peed. I don’t know if it is stress or what that is giving me the loose bowels but I hate it because I can’t feel it. It can lead to accidents if I fart. So I have been scared to fart the past couple of days.

After I finished my business in the bathroom, I made coffee. I realized half way through the cup that I didn’t take my meds. I started sneezing in the kitchen and omg. I couldn’t stop. I finished my coffee and went upstairs and sneezed some more. I have been sneezing for almost an hour already.

The construction guys are out there doing work. My head is ready to cave in. I got a pain in the back of my head. I don’t know if it is a migraine or not. Pain is behind my ear. I think I might have pulled a muscle with all the damn sneezing. It’s slightly warm today. I want to go to the Square and do my research for my Anthro class but I need to shower very bad. I stink and I sweated some more last night. I was hot in my room for a while.

I started writing about my therapy problem in my journal. I don’t know if I want to go back to her but I have no one else, really. It was on my brain most of the night that I had to change in order for me to work with her. I hate myself and I don’t know why. I just do. Her telling me this is all on me and no one else really got to me. I don’t know if she is blaming me for the depression or my thoughts. It bugs me so much. I like kind of want to make an appointment with her but then I know I will want to cancel it. I hate these ambivalent feelings. Just sucks.

I finally showered but didn’t groom like I wanted to. I felt like if I was going to shower, I was going to shower. I didn’t have the energy to groom. It takes a lot of spoons. After my shower, I threw a pot pie in the oven and made a cup of coffee. I only had one cup when I got up around 1. I needed a second cup to get me through the day. I might have another cup with my pot pie. I don’t know though as it is after 5 now.

I’m the problem, it’s me

I had therapy today and I just didn’t want to talk. She started early and things just got worse. I just couldn’t think of anything I wanted to say or talk about. I didn’t make an appointment for next week. She was ok with this. Before ending, she said that this was all about me. All I could think about was Taylor’s song “I’m the problem it’s me”.

I took a nap after therapy. I was up most of the night due to insomnia and pain. My foot acted up just as I laid down around 8 last night and then after I put a sock on to warm it up, it got really painful when it was warm. I kept the sock on because I knew the temp of my foot would go down again. It was hurting this morning when I woke up. I got up about a half hour before I was to have my advising appointment. That lasted literally five minutes. She was telling me the psych class I want to take in the fall is changing to a 200 level so I might have problems registering. I hope not. I want to take classes on Tue/Thurs next fall. I will just pick another class if it doesn’t fit my schedule.

I wanted to read psych today and I think I am going to do it after I take my night meds. All I had to eat today was Ben and Jerry’s cherry Garcia and some Cheetos puffs. I’m not really hungry today and I am stressed out over therapy.

Last night I looked at a different dental place to possibly get my teeth extracted because they are broken. I got a call this morning. I wasn’t in the mood to talk today so I will call tomorrow for an appointment. I’m getting tired of my tongue hurting because it keeps brushing against the broken tooth.

I’ve been battling grief and post nasal drip all day. I almost forgot to blog. I’ve just not wanted to do anything today. I bombed quiz 2 in my psych class. I am mad at myself. Tomorrow I have advising and therapy. I’ve been sad most of the day, think of one or both of my parents. Days like today make me glad the one prayer I asked God for was to be an adult when my parents passed. I asked for this because my parents were older than my friends parents.

I’ve been up since 6am. I tried sleeping but failed. I’ve just been lazy today.