Category: depression

Meet in the middle

I had a very dream filled night and a few headaches. I was up for a couple of hours and finished the chapter in my textbook. I wanted to read today but I’ve been a space cadet. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. We talked about sleep and how the dreams lead to headaches. He is going to put me on a high dose of trazodone. I will be stopping the mirtazapine. Maybe now I can lose the weight I have gained from it. I haven’t weighed myself in more than a month. I did take my blood pressure and it is still on the high side but better.

After my appointment, I made lunch and actually had energy to clean up afterwards. I made a hot cocoa after I was finished. I had a coffee with lunch. I made a pasta chicken alfredo from Birdseye. It was good. I then brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I didn’t post any selfies today because I wasn’t in the mood. I have been off the new social media site Bluesky because it is filled with trash from Trump. I know many Americans are saying never again to the Holocaust but why they are giving him a go is beyond me. I fear that there will be a civil war of some sort with him. It hasn’t helped my mood so I just have been off the site.

I managed another 200 or so words in my ending. I am up to 728 words. I will try and work on it again tomorrow. I have been in a dark place and been listening to 90s country which has helped my mood with good songs, many of which I haven’t heard in a really long time.

I have been trying to drink more water but it is a challenge. I never realized how much I relied on Gatorade and Powerade for my hydration. I don’t know why I didn’t get some this month. I just didn’t have the $200 for the order. I end up putting things in the cart and it is hard to get them out sometimes. My half and half and Gatorade/Powerade is my main items I buy every month. I am trying to switch to water but it is hard. Some times I can drink without a problem and then others I have to be thirsty to gulp some down.

Building big things on little things

I don’t think my therapist realizes that I need little things to build big things. I’ve gone from attempting suicide to being catatonic for weeks to top surgery and my mother dying. Now I’m going back to college. I honestly don’t need bigger things in my life. Because honestly, I could OD anytime I want to and this time succeed. I think about this every time we talk about my suicidality or when I think about my suicidality. It’s there. I lost the patience over the years of waiting things out.

I showered before therapy so I could just go out afterwards. It took some doing as the streets weren’t all that clear from slush and ice. I wore my boots and took my time getting to the bus stop. I had like 15 mins when before it came so go there plenty early. I listened to Taylor while I waited. I wore a mask because I didn’t want to get sick. My sister is sick and her daughter has covid. I have been careful not to go downstairs. I went to the pharmacy and got my meds. I had just missed the bus as I approached the bus stop and the next bus wasn’t for another 25 mins. I looked over my meds and saw that I only got 2 pills of my migraine meds. No wonder it was $3 rather than $10. I have to call tomorrow and find out when I can get a refill. I hate that they only give you 9 pills now instead of 12. Fucking sucks.

I went to the pharmacy around the corner for me for my pain meds. I waited an hour in the store. They said it would be ready but it wasn’t so I had to wait. I came home and my niece drove by. She said she left some soup for my sister. It was French onion, which I don’t like. My sister was on the porch when I approached my house, getting the mail. I had none so just grabbed the soup and went upstairs. I was so fucking tired. I was going to unload the dishwasher and load it again but not happening. I also wanted to cook a meal. That too isn’t happening. I will just make a PB&J sandwich. If I can get the energy. My feet are frozen. I just want to go to sleep. Therapy really fucked with my head. I want to send my therapist a message but I don’t really know what to say. I want to know if my idea of needing to do little things in order to build big things but I don’t know if that sounds stupid or not. It is like building baby steps before taking a big step. Along those kind of lines. Trouble is I don’t know what the little things are. I guess I will figure them out along the way.

Migraines and sleep suck

I had another night of headaches. I felt like crap when I got up. I had my coffee and then went up to my room. I felt kind of dizzy and thought my blood pressure was low. I laid down for a bit and then took my blood pressure. It was high. I should know by now that when I am dizzy, my blood pressure is usually up.

I had the window open and it was not a good thing when there is a snowstorm with falling temps and high winds. I was freezing and had to put on my throw blanket to keep warm. I don’t know why the heat didn’t kick on. I was up on and off throughout the night and only heard it on once or twice. I shut the window when the temp in my room dropped to 53F. I also turned up the heat so my room could try and get warm. It is hovering around 60 degrees now. Still chilly in my room but I am comfortable. I just want to lay down as I feel like shit.

Yesterday I was working on my ending while I had a clear head. It was difficult and slow. Things were coming to me at one sentence at a time. I couldn’t get a rhythm going. Every time I felt a feeling I would pause and lose my train of thought. I hated it. I am going to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow when I see her. I hope the headaches don’t happen tonight because I am out of my migraine meds. It was a slushy day today so I didn’t go to the Square to get my meds. Plus I am still waiting for the Effexor to be ready. Might as well pick up everything in one visit. I hope to go to the library tomorrow to get a book I requested. I wanted to read today but my head is too foggy. I have been trying to drink water but it is slow going. I don’t know why some days I can chug water like no big deal and other days it’s like pulling teeth. I miss having Gatorade. I didn’t get it this month because I had other expenses. Eventually I will need to get a new printer. I cannot get the toner in and I have given up on it. I am going to just leave it on my front yard and hope someone grabs it. Fucking thing made a mess trying to get it installed.

If my blood pressure isn’t down by tomorrow, I will contact my pcp. Hopefully I won’t have to go to the ED for it.  My sleep is so damn fractured. I kept dreaming about Chandler and Monica for some reason. My brain wouldn’t let it go and when I woke up and fell back to sleep, the dream continued. It was so weird. I am so tired of having headaches night after night. It just makes me feel so shitty.

Saturday Blog 06012024

I woke up feeling good. For the first time in weeks I felt rested. I also experienced some trans joy as I am still amazed that my chest is gone and I am congruent with how I think I should feel. Not to say my chest is what I want it to be. I still need to some how build muscle and that takes some doing. I wish I had access to the gym and I might with UMB. I need to find out if we still have access to the fitness center. Maybe I can finally get my pecs to look more even. I plan on buying some protein powder my next pay period. I think it will be good and might help me lose weight or something. I just hope the powder tastes good.

My planner came today and I filled in the important dates of the semester like spring break and when classes end, finals. I was planning on taking a summer semester and I might still do it. I am not sure though. I need to get a battery for my laptop so I am not hooked just to my room or where I need a plug. I just hope it’s easy to remove and replace without messing up anything. I might get a new printer. They are pretty cheap. I am trying to get the toner installed but fucking thing won’t go in. A friend sent me some instructions so I am going to use that as a guide. I have the right toner so I don’t understand what the hell the problem is.

I just had lunch. I think I am going to make a pasta dish for supper that I have been meaning to try. I was going to go to the library but it closes at 1 on Saturdays. I wish I had known that before as I could have caught the 12pm bus. I will just get the book on Monday. I need to pick up my meds then anyways.

My sister told me my niece has covid so I won’t be going down to my sister’s apartment any time soon. It is supposed to snow today and they already called a snow emergency. I have no where to go so I am staying put anyways. Hope it is gone by Monday so I can go out without having to wear my boots.