Category: depression

Frustrating day

I woke up earlier than I wanted to. I was up when my sister got up, which can be a bad thing some days. I took my meds and then had coffee. My sister didn’t leave for work until around 930. I was working on my second cup by then. I checked the amazon package that was delivered and it was my biscuits. I was already halfway done with my second cup so I didn’t have them. I wanted them though. I figure I would have them with my next cup.

I went upstairs and logged on my laptop. It wouldn’t connect to the internet. It kept bringing up a page but wouldn’t connect. I restarted and still had the same problem so I called. Apparently, my account was overdue and shut me off. Rude. I just sent them a payment yesterday but it hasn’t been recorded yet. They restored my services. They asked when I would be able to pay the next bill and I said the 24^th. I only wanted to see if I had any new sales on my book so I logged on with my hotspot on my laptop as it was going to take an hour for my services to be restored. I tried two different apps to have my account but because I am not FIOS or a Verizon wireless customer, I can’t log in with my account. Fucking fuck. So I created an account for nothing.

I made lunch as I was hungry. I didn’t have breakfast. I ordered my groceries and it was still early enough to have them delivered same day. They will be coming in about an hour from now. I figure I try and blog before it arrives. I made a bacon sandwich and I was topless. I didn’t think about this until the pan started splattering. OOPS. Luckily, it was just my arms that got splatter. The sandwich was good but I really wanted turkey bacon. I went to two stores and they didn’t have it yesterday. So I was stuck with regular bacon. It was still good but messy. It is hot in my kitchen so I don’t know if I will have bacon fat congealed or not. I am trying to save my energy for going up and down the stairs when my delivery comes. I was really tired after I cooked. I had to rest for a few. I kept on getting notifications on my phone but they weren’t from Peapod. I had difficulty with that app too. It wouldn’t give me the order status after it sent me the pdf of my order. I had no idea what time my delivery would be expected within the window I picked. It didn’t load until after 3pm. I was annoyed because I had to change my password, again. Then, because I had changed the password and then logged in with my phone browser, it wouldn’t let me connect with the app because I was “already logged in on another device”. UGH.

Sox game last night got suspended because of the weather. I thought they would play today but they aren’t. I keep thinking today is the 26^th and it isn’t. It is AUG 26^th when the game will resume. I was confused. I also was disappointed there is no game today. I texted my DMH worker about my mood and sent a message to my psychiatrist. The DMH worker told me to contact some service if I need to connect with someone over the weekend. It’s the same service as the therapy place gave me. I am not in crisis but I just feel so low and I hope I am not going downhill. I always worry when things are ok for too long. My mood has been dipping around 530pm every night for at least two weeks. Yesterday it was so hard to write and read.

Wicked hot today

It’s in the 90s today. I had to go out to get my meds. I had my coffee and then I brushed my teeth. I checked the bus schedule and a bus would be coming soon. I got dressed and left. It was so hot out. I wanted turkey bacon but the two stores I went to didn’t have it. I got regular bacon instead. I also picked up my poster for my pcp’s office. Now I just got to wait for the books to come in.

I feel so shitty from the heat. I keep trying to rest but can’t really. I need to shave my head today and am finding it hard to get the energy after I went out. I feel sleepy but I can’t sleep. I feel kinda anxious. I only had one cup of coffee today. I want to make an iced coffee but I never got the chance and it is after 4 now so too late. I need to cool down. I bought two Gatorade hydrate bottles as it was on sale at the pharmacy. I had a $10 coupon so I used it. It was like getting them for free.

I don’t have any appointments this week. I am just going to try and spend some time reading. I am almost done with the library book. I think I have like 5 chapters left. I didn’t read yesterday. I ended up going to bed soon as the ballgame was over. I was tired. I slept ok even though I had a weird dream about taking Italian 102. I kept going from the classroom to the hospital. It was weird. My allergies are somewhat okish today. Yesterday I had to take another Allegra because they were bad. I kept on sneezing like crazy. I had a sneeze attack this morning soon after I got up but it settled down after I took my meds.

Black dog

I have been in the abyss the past few days. I feel so depressed and useless. Today I woke up sweating as I was wrapped up in my blanket. I then spent three hours in my hot kitchen, sweating as I made something to eat. I made oatmeal pancakes but forgot sugar and we didn’t have syrup. They were ok but bland. I also forgot oil so they were dry. I made three but only ate one. I had three cups of coffee. I came to my room to cool off. I felt faint. I took my blood pressure but it is high not low. My heart rate is in the 70s so that is good. I was having palpitations during the night and it was in the 100s. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up to pee and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I got up around 330 to read for a bit. I read for an hour and then tried to go back to sleep.

The bookstore I tried to have an event at turned me down. I can rent a space for a private event though. I need to go get my meds today. I am so damn tired though and it is hotter than it was when I first got up. I am tired and don’t feel like going out. I haven’t left the house since Thurs. I need a shower as I feel pretty gross. I think cold water on my head will feel good. I think I shaved yesterday so I don’t have to again till tomorrow or Wed. My head is dry and itchy. I asked my cousin, who is a hairdresser, if I could put lotion on and she said I can. I have been using a moisturizing body wash for my head.

I hate feeling so ill. My blood pressure is high so I guess that is better than being low. I am listening to Black Dog by Taylor Swift on her Tortured Poets album. I had bought the album on her website for this song and then the anthology came out the day she released it so I paid for two albums. I don’t care. I love her music and would and have bought all her songs.

I am making progress on my library book. I really love reading about how the Civil War affected Boston’s Black community. Just shitty they were outsourced by Irish immigrants and other whites. Just sad. I hope to finish the book this week and then I can start reading Principles of Psychology by William James. It is another huge book. I hope to finish it in a month but it might take me longer than that. I don’t know when I will restart Managing Suicide Risk. I have wide open days that I don’t know what to do with myself.