Category: depression

I got up later than I wanted. I had two cups of coffee. I had a shitty night sleeping. Another night of dreams and headaches. I packed the rest of my stuff and got dressed. We drove up to the ski resort. It was a long drive.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My sister planned some outing with live music. It should be fun. I am so tired. It is way colder here than in Boston. We are almost to the Canadian border.

I got a pullout on the sofa. I hope it’s comfortable. My brother in law got me pillows. I wish I brought my Sox blanket. Place is drafty.

Life is a flame it can burn out

I had therapy today and it didn’t go as I wanted it to. Part of the trouble was construction was going on and so I was having a really hard time concentrating on what we were talking about. I kept getting distracted. I honestly don’t remember now what we were talking about. I know I tried to change the subject and she didn’t want to let it go. I am so tired. I ended up not talking about how I felt about my birthday and now I don’t see her till the new year.

It’s cold today. I didn’t have energy to walk around the corner to get my meds so I had my cousin drop me off. I walked back and I nearly had an asthma attack. The cold air bothers me for some reason. It is cold in my room. I just put on a long sleeve shirt. I packed for the trip tomorrow. I just need to put stuff in my backpack. I found a pair of jeans that fit me. I knew I had more than one pair. It is in my closet, along with my hoodies. I tried to find my button down long sleeve shirts but they must be in the back where I can’t seem to move the stuff yet.

I have been up since like 6. I don’t know why I have been waking up early. I tried to sleep before the workers came but they were here around 730am so I couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke up hungry so I made something to eat. I am feeling tired now. I didn’t nap at all. I was kind of pissed off at my therapist after therapy and then frantic as I was wondering what the hell to pack. My bed is a mess again. I don’t care. I still need to put the recycle away. And I have a shit ton of boxes to bring down.

I had two cups of coffee today. I wanted a third but my sister kept moving my mug and I don’t know where she put it the last move. I was too lazy to find it so said fuck it. I packed some sugar as my sister said to bring it. I also will be bringing my half and half or it will be bad by the time we come home. I showered, brushed my teeth, and shaved my head. My right foot is hurting me and I don’t know why. Ugh. I nearly bit my tongue off earlier. I have to do something about my broken teeth before I get an infection in my tongue. It is so damn sore all the time now. I have to be careful with what I eat, making sure something isn’t too hard or it can get stuck in my tooth. I was eating pistachios and one of them got lodged in my broken tooth and it was such a bitch to get out. I love pistachios, too.

Random post 18122023

I had therapy today. I purposely stayed in bed till 1230. I had headaches throughout the night so needed the rest. I still have a migraine now. Therapy we talked about how I am partially responsible for being depressed. I said I would work on some mindfulness the next time I am really down. But it is hard when I am sad or depressed for no reason. She asked if I wanted to talk on Thurs but I said next week, which will be in the New Year as she is on vacation next week. I need the break. I am going to see her Thurs though. My birthday is this weekend and I am finding it hard to be worthy of celebrating.

I had a late supper. I really didn’t know what to make so pizza was the winner in the end. I have leftovers for tomorrow. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I also have been trying to increase my fluids as yesterday all I had to drink was a cup of coffee. I barely drank anything else. Today I drank some Powerade and water.

A nor’easter hit today. We had high winds and a shit ton of rain. The wind was bad that our screen door got blown. It almost took out the frame. My brother in law had to fix it. I am not sure he did or not. The construction for the porches is supposed to happen tomorrow. I’ll believe it when I see it.

I had a misgendering and deadnaming kind of day today. My cousin sent a group text with “ladies” in it. Then my school email replied to the email I sent with my deadname. I filled out yet another form to change my name. I did get information about the campus but will need to physically go there to check it out. I got financial aid so a huge weight is off my chest.

I managed to shave my head after therapy. I got pissed someone moved my razor. I don’t know if they used it or not but I changed the blade anyways. I have been avoiding laying down. I am tired from my interrupted sleep. I hate that things aren’t getting better. They were for a while but now they seem to be the same. I just want one night of dreamless sleep so I don’t wake up with headaches.

Sunday Blog 17122023

It’s almost 0230. I have been up the last couple of hours due to heartburn and needing to use the bathroom. I am awake now and probably will be for a couple of hours. I started writing about how my siblings took me being trans. I am trying not to make my middle sister the bad guy even though she has been down right mean. There were times where she called me a whatever I am and it hurt. My mother did the same thing when she was frustrated with me.

I am at the max dose of the Effexor. I felt a change like I usually do when the dose is increased. It does help my mood. I have been struggling with my suicidality the past few nights. I have been trying to put my thoughts together but there seems to be a block, just like me trying to write about my family’s acceptance of being trans. I just seem to blank out and feel nothing. It makes it hard to write when I feel nothing. I struggle to find my words. I hate it. I can stare at the screen and nothing seems to come to me. I am not sure if I am dissociating or not. I have been going back and forth with my thoughts about ending it.

My cousin’s christening is today. I don’t think I am going to go. I am not up to seeing family. I need to start packing some stuff for my trip. I won’t do my meds till Thurs night. I am going to bring my Kindle so I can try and finish the John Grisham book I am reading. It has gotten interesting. It has been hard to put down once I start reading. I haven’t read Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman. I am slowly working through it. It is interesting as they are short stories. I also plan on bring my baseball book. I don’t know if I will start it but I figure I would bring it just in case. I hope my sleep is better when we are away. This midnight hours I have been keeping have been dragging me down. I have been getting up past 12. Yesterday I forgot to take my morning meds. I didn’t remember until around 4pm.

My foot is acting up for whatever reason. I have been ignoring it the past several days. I just took something for the pain. I didn’t want to but it is a nagging pain. I fucking hate it. My cloud is being uploaded and it is going to be a while as it is loading just around 170kb/s. My internet is slow. I don’t really care as it does what I need it to do when I need to. Sometimes watching videos is hard, but I accept it. I am sort of planning on getting a new laptop next year. This one is still running good but I am having problems with it “waking up” when I open the lid. I don’t want it to die on me. That would be tragic.

I’ll write more later. I am going to try and get some sleep now. Thanks for reading.