Category: depression

Clusterfuck

I had a shitty night of weird dreams and headaches. I woke up at like 3 with my head splitting. I took some meds and was able to get back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later with the same bullshit. I am so fucking tired. I had an appointment with my pcp and we discussed this. She is going to send a note to my psychiatrist and neuro about this. I don’t know what more I can do but I am like a fucking infant needing to sleep every few hours. I was up at 11 and by 2 I was ready to nap. I was fighting sleep so hard. I rested for about twenty minutes before my appointment time. She is going to check my iron levels as they haven’t changed much since last lab draw. She is also ordering a stool test for colon cancer. I poop in a bucket and then mail off my stool. I don’t have any risk factors for it. She is only doing the test because I have met the age requirement. Fun. Another year older and now I have all these tests. I just got a provider letter saying I am due for my mammogram. Um….someone needs to update the computer as I no longer have any breast tissue.

I had a window where I was clearheaded enough to write. I tried adding to the document I am working on for family acceptance of me being trans. I wanted to get at least 1000 words. I am at 627. 400 words to go.

I am feeling really tired and cranky. My stomach has been bothering me all day. I have no idea why. I gave it food and it hurts more now. I just had coffee. I had a cup with my black bean burger. I wanted to shower but never got around to it. I hate that I have been up for about six hours and feel the need to go to bed when it’s only 630pm. Like WTF. It rained most of the day today and tomorrow has a 40% chance of it. I hope it doesn’t because I need to go out. I am going to try and go to UMB and get my ID done. I also want to see where the class will be. It’s on the first floor but it is a building I am not familiar with.

I did the laundry today as the hamper was overflowing. It’s cold in my room. I might put a long sleeve shirt on if the temp drops. I just don’t want to be too hot as I sweat so much. I hope I sleep tonight or I will not be able to do anything tomorrow.

College is becoming more real

I took the chance that I will be able to afford my textbooks and bought them on Amazon. I have the 4^th edition of my psych book as I couldn’t find the 3^rd edition. Hopefully there isn’t a huge difference between the editions. I also checked my email and my NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED!! Finally! No more deadname!!! I am so happy about this as every time I saw my deadname I became dysphoric and if a new professor called me my deadname in a future email I would be crushed.

The past several hours I have been thinking about my mother. It is a really odd feeling when you are expecting a phone call from her and knowing you are not going to get it. I haven’t listened to her birthday message from last year. I just can’t take hearing her voice right now. I still remember one of the last few voicemails she left on my phone asking me to call if I was home or not. She was so hard of hearing that she never really heard me leave the house. I was too quiet for her to hear me.

I see my pcp tomorrow for a follow up for things. I will be going into Boston and I am still trying to navigate getting there. I don’t know if I should take a cab or walk from the station. It is supposed to rain tomorrow so depending on how hard it is coming down (if at all), I will make a decision. I wanted to go out today, just a walk around the block but I chickened out. I went downstairs to get some ham for lunch. My sister was on a work call so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her.

In my facebook memories today was a pic of me and my childhood friend. It was taken before T so I did a transition comparison. In the old pic, I had some goatee hairs. It just affirmed to me that I was a guy even before I realized I was. I know my hormones were higher than a normal female but when the changes with T started happening, it just felt more natural. I sometimes wish I came out sooner but I know that my parents wouldn’t have accepted me. I probably would have attempted more than once if I tried and got rejected.

Last night I was having a dream I was having chest pain and called an ambulance. I woke up with tightness in my chest. I just curl up in bed and it just hurts my chest muscles when I wake up and stretch out. It took forever for the feeling to go away. I wasn’t really taught any exercises to open up the chest area. I was pretty much on my own to do so. No PT was offered. I wish there was. I might ask my pcp tomorrow if I remember.

Christmas 2023

I had a good Christmas. It was good being away but I missed the city. I drove back with my nephew, mostly so I wouldn’t get stuck with lugging everything up my house as my sister would be going to work. I have loaded some pics of the mountain and the ski slopes where they had artificial snow. It hasn’t been a very snowy winter, yet.

I am tired. I am listening to Taylor. I missed my bed. Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store for half and half. I might have leftover ham if they bring it home. I had raviolis before we left. I was full because we had a big breakfast. I scored once again with Starbucks gift cards. I also got a grocery gift card which was nice. I might buy the stuff to make a casserole. I just don’t know what kind I want to make.

I came home to a bunch of mail. The other shoe dropped. I guess my former employer has given someone else the business of managing their benefits. I got an invoice for my new insurance. It is much less than what I am currently paying, but instead of it being a PPO it’s an EPO. I have no idea if coverage will be different. I hope not. My copays are roughly the same, though I don’t know if mental health copays are still $10. I forgot to check and I don’t really know where I put the information after I cleared my bed.

I am tired. I kept on having weird dreams last night. One of them was about the orange line and how I just couldn’t find the track to take me where I needed to go. I kept on going into Boston’s surrounding areas than where I needed to be. I am not sure if it was home or work as the dream kept changing. I woke up with headaches throughout the night. I am glad I am in my own bed so I won’t be interrupted in the morning. I hope I can have a decent sleep.

I’ve had a pretty good day. I was passed out after we came home from my birthday dinner. I slept till 4am and then had a hard time getting back to sleep. I had to pee. I’ve been noticing I’ve been retaining despite drinking a ton. I haven’t been taking my pain meds so not sure why I haven’t been peeing. I haven’t been getting an urge to pee, more like bladder pains. It has been more than a year since I cathed. Hope I don’t have to go back to it. Today I’ve been drinking water since coming home from breakfast. There were four hours between voids.

My nephew came up. I am happy to see him. I might leave with him tomorrow as I want to be home. My sister is leaving early Tues morning but middle sister needs to go to work so I will have to lug the stuff up the stairs. It’s too much. I love it here. The condo is nice and the mountains are beautiful but this city boy is missing the city. We went to the grocery store yesterday which is a half hour away in the next town. I didn’t like that. I’m used to it being like 5 mins away. 10 if I take the bus.

I tried reading but my sister was watching football and kept saying get him or other sounds which interfered with my thinking. My “bed” which is the couch is where the TV is. I am tired and want to sleep but it’s too early.