Category: depression

Brain fog and therapy

I somehow managed to get up before 9. I took my meds and then called patient registration to update my insurance information. The guy I talked with must have asked me if I was male three fucking times. I just wanted to get off the phone. So far my information has been updated on the patient website. It probably will in a couple of days. I am going to get my blood done tomorrow and if I have the energy, go to UMB to get my ID.

I had therapy and it was a tense session as I was anxious for most of it. I had brain fog that I had to pay attention to what my therapist was saying because her voice was affected by a cold she got. We talked about my anxieties about things. I said I would list out the things I need to do before college starts. I have a somewhat routine that I do when I wake up. I just need to do this consistently. For the most part, I do except my wake up times are different each day.

My therapist and I talked about my mother and how much she “controlled” me. I am realizing now with her being gone just how much influence she had in my life. I know I emotionally cut her off from me but was more attached to her in other ways. I always had to check in with her. There were days where if I wasn’t up by a certain time, she would call me just to wake me up.

I tried taking a nap after therapy but all I did was rest for about an hour. I thought it would help the fog but it didn’t go anywhere. I still feel so cloudy. It has been hard to concentrate on things. I still haven’t worked on my ending for my book. I want to write at least another page or so. I keep getting distracted. I can’t seem to focus on stuff. I finished the John Grisham book the other night. I just kept on reading it until it was done. It sucked me in. Now I can read Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things. I am thinking I will be done with my book by the end of this week and then I will look into publishers. I can always publish on Amazon whenever. I have to find a literary agent. I was hoping just to go to the publishers but they don’t speak to authors. Ugh. Not sure if this will cost me money or not. I am paying an editor either way, just for my peace of mind.

Since my hospitalization back in 2022, I have been wondering if I have ADHD. I did an online test and it was like no, you don’t have symptoms. That was slightly reassuring as I didn’t think I had it. Tomorrow I plan on getting my bloodwork done. I also need to stop at the library to pick up a book I requested. If I remember to get off at the stop before the station, I will pick it up before heading into town. If not, I will just pick it up after.

New Year’s Eve 123123

Happy New Year fellow readers. Hope you have a good day and year coming.

I crashed yesterday as I was up most of the night due to headaches. I had brain fog that didn’t go away with coffee. I had woken up last night with a headache. I didn’t take anything until I fell asleep and woke up with a worse headache. Fucking a. I can’t win. I was having some weird dreams.

I had brain fog when I woke up to take my meds. I fell back to sleep and it was so hard to get up again. My sister called me and I said I was sleeping so I called her back when I was up. The house taxes are higher than they were last year so she needs more money. Fuck. There goes the extra money I was hoping to save now that my insurance premium went down. The joys of homeownership.

I managed to shower and shave today and trim my mustache and beard. I was so tired afterwards and wanted to nap but knew if I did, I wasn’t going to write or read. My hair needs to be trimmed a little bit but I want to grow it out a bit on top. I am going to have to live with it for now even though it annoys me. Maybe next time I shower, I will trim it some with the clippers.

I don’t make resolutions for the year. I just go with whatever is thrown my way. I am counting the days till college starts. Twenty-four days. I have until then to try and finish my book. I started handwriting the ending for my book. I am going to work on it tomorrow. I got some serious brain fog today so trying to write this blog is taking all my energy.

Tired of being fucking tired

I had a rough night sleeping but got decent sleep. I woke up with brain fog and it was so damn hard to get going. I didn’t want to get out of bed but my bladder forced me to. I had a cup of coffee before I even took my meds. I just felt so blah. I came back to my room and took my meds and then went back down to have some more coffee. One of my textbooks came today and it was one I already owned. I couldn’t remember if I read it or not. I decided to go to Starbucks to start reading it.

I brushed my teeth and then went up to my room to get dressed. I was having a really hard time finding the energy to move. I checked the bus schedule and the bus would be coming soon. I just had to get dressed. I decided to wear sweatpants and my Sox pullover. It was warm so I wouldn’t need a jacket. I was out of breath by the time I got to the bus stop. I had time to rest before the bus came. I ordered Starbucks. I didn’t really know what I wanted to drink. They still had their sugar cookie latte so I decided on that with 5 shots. By the time I got to Starbucks, I was tired. I wanted to leave but I figure I would drink my latte and eat the wrap I ordered. After that I read for about a half hour and I did read this book before. I just don’t remember much about it as it has been more than 15 years since I read it. I looked at my degree audit to see if I took this class before and I didn’t. The book was for my Native American class that I took and ended up failing because I never submitted the final paper. I was doing too many things then to work on the paper. I hope I don’t have the same difficulties this time around.

I had to pick up my meds and I was thankful the gabapentin was ready. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be today or tomorrow as it was on hold when I checked it this morning. I went to the bus stop and the bus came. I walked home and by the time I reached my house, I was so out of breath. I really need to take a walk around the block more. I am so deconditioned. I went up to my room after using the bathroom. I then was in a panic on what to do. I had to blog. I worked on the family piece I have been writing. I added another 100 words. I am getting closer to the 1000 word mark. I just am not there yet. I also need to finish the John Grisham book I am half way through. I just didn’t know what to do first and it made me really anxious. And classes haven’t even started yet. I just want to cry. I am tired and going to campus is going to be a hike. I will be going twice a week so it at least gets me out of the house. And it is in the afternoon so I don’t have to worry about oversleeping. I just need to manage my time better.

I still need a shower and I also need to shave my head again as I didn’t do it yesterday. I am so tired though. I am so tired of being fucking tired. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks. I am going to ask him for some help with sleeping because I don’t know what to do anymore. I will also tell my therapist to see if she has anything that can be done. But waking up with headaches is so hard. I wake up from dreams with them. And then it takes a while to get back to sleep while my head is exploding. I don’t know if I need to get up when I wake up at like 3 or 4 am and stay up rather than go back to sleep for a few more hours. I usually have about 6 hours sleep by then. That should be good enough. I need to make two trips into town next week. I have to get my bloodwork done and go to UMB to get my ID done.