Category: depression

Another migraine attack today

I kept on having bad dreams last night. I woke up from one of them looking for my cell phone to tell my nephew to turn down his game but when I woke up, there was silence so I knew it was a dream and not real. It felt so damn real. I was upset because the dream had gunfire in it. I fell back to sleep and when I woke up, I had the worst migraine in a month. I couldn’t see it was so bad. It was just before 7. I really wanted to see my cousin so I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee, hoping that if I stayed up, the headache would go away. It eased up after the coffee but I was still hurting. Around 8, I texted my cousin saying I couldn’t make it. I was hurting too bad.

I managed to sleep a few more hours and I felt a little better when I woke up between 11 and 12. I made a turkey sandwich and coffee. I had some messages to sort through. My sister texted me and wanted to know the location of my friend’s mother. She is buried in the same cemetery as my mother. They died within a week of each other. I still haven’t grieved her loss. It has been hard to with the loss of my mother. It has been a long time since I spoke to her. I can’t remember the last time I did. I think it was when my friend was still living with her, which has been a long time. I’ve known my friend for nearly all of his life. I am older by four months.

I got a weird call that was probably spam that left a message on my voicemail. Apparently, Spectrum is reducing my monthly bill by 50%. Just wish I knew what spectrum was or is LOL. I also got a call from a nurse at my health insurance. Not really sure what they want as I haven’t had a hospitalization since June and ED visit wasn’t since Aug or Sept. Usually it is in response to some health thing.

I am having a panic attack right now as I try to figure out how to pay things on my income for this month and next month. I will have to pay for my meds, which isn’t going to be easy. I have $30 cash right now that I will use for it. Some money needs to go towards my month T pass so I can go to campus for one of my classes. I was thinking about getting there early the first day of class to update my ID and get a thing for the library, if they still do that. It has been a long time since I was a student. I am nervous about it. I am glad I am not having classes now because I would most likely fail. I am so depressed and barely leave the house. I won’t be able to put Starbucks money on my card. I still need to pay double this month for insurance. I haven’t received the invoice yet, which should be coming either today or Monday. Ugh. I can only stretch my income so many ways. I still don’t know if I can afford groceries this month.

My anxiety is also flared up with the layout of the UMB campus. One of my classes is at University Hall which didn’t exist when I attended back in 2008. I sent a message to the one stop place to see if they can show me around campus. I have no idea if I will need to update my vaccinations or not. I got a thing from my pcp but it is mostly just covid and tetanus. I am up to date on my vaccination; just need proof of them.

Will pass like a kidney stone

I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up around midnight and it took a couple hours to get back to sleep. My heart rate was in the 100s and 80s so I wasn’t too worried but I kept on having anxiety with palpitations that made it so fucking difficult to sleep.

I was anxious throughout the day. I don’t know why my anxiety is up. Then around 4ish, I tanked, pretty hard. I thought about ending it and seriously put in how I could be dead by my birthday if I tried something now and didn’t get medical help. I was stuck in the feelings and thought about texting my therapist but at the same time I didn’t want her to know. I went to the grocery store to get some stuff. My sister took me. I had a break in the feelings for a bit but when I came back home, they returned. I don’t really know why I feel this way. It started last night where I felt like I should just be dead. Nothing set me off. I just had the thoughts of not wanting to be alive.

Right now I am listening to Linkin Park. It is helping. I have been up for a few hours yet I am tired. I hate the exhaustion from being tired all the time. I just can’t seem to get my thoughts together. I am in pain, physically. I always feel run down after being up a few hours. I feel like an infant as I rest for a few hours after sleeping for a few hours. It is draining.

I haven’t done anything today except eat. I bought some cold cuts so I could have lunch tomorrow. I wanted a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet and I am late in taking my night meds. I don’t care because they don’t help me sleep anymore. I feel like they are useless. But I know the Latuda is working because I haven’t been hearing voices or have delusional thinking or paranoia. I am feeling so run down, like I am getting something. My sister had a cold. I hope I am not getting it. I have been careful with making sure I wash my hands. I need to shave my head. I don’t think it will happen tonight. Tomorrow I am going to see my cousin. It should be a good day. Least I will be out of the city for a bit.

Another day, another migraine

I got hit with a migraine last night so went to bed around 8. I woke up around 1030p and been up since. I tried reading for a bit but couldn’t really concentrate. My head was spinning with possible outcomes of the story. I am reading a John Grisham novel. It isn’t about lawyers, but the dead guy was a lawyer before he became a writer. The name of the book is Camino Winds. It is the second book in the series about Camino Island. A third book is out which I will get when I have some free cash, which isn’t going to be until maybe Feb. I don’t know. I am still fretting over my finances as I need to pay for meds next month and the new migraine med is going to be my most expensive because it is new. I don’t know if I will need another prior authorization for it.

I need to contact my pcp in the morning as my heart rate has been up. I have been having palpitations the last three or four days. I checked my heart rate and it was 108. Right now it is 66, which is better but I feel anxious. I took some Ativan as I don’t think I will be getting back to sleep without it. I haven’t been taking it regularly. Just when I need it.

My migraines have gotten so bad that I have become nauseous. I asked my pcp for some Zofran. I told her I didn’t need a month’s supply so she gave me some. I picked it up yesterday as I had to get my Effexor. I ran out. I hate when I forget to refill my meds. I don’t want to do the auto-refill as now I have to pay for my meds and if I don’t have the money, I can’t get them. I don’t think I will be able to get my groceries next pay period. I am stressed out about it. I think I am going to email the editor and say I will pay her probably in Feb, half and then half the next month. This way I can keep her. But the book isn’t ready yet. I want to write at least five more pages. Nothing is coming to me about what to write. I’ve become so matter of fact and concise in my writing that it is so damn hard to expand. I don’t know how writing papers again is going to be, especially if they need like five pages of something.

I was talking with someone I met on Bluesky. He said that he often has the most productive work during the morning hours, but for him it is 6 am. Mine is now, between 1 and 4 am. Why my blog is the Midnight Demon. I know when I first starting writing, it used to be like 1500 words or more at a time. Now I am lucky if I write 500. That used to be my goal but it is a struggle some days so I cut it to at least 300 words.

As I was up, I was thinking about checking on my mother. It pained me to think of her empty bed. I miss her so much. There were so many times where I would catch when her sugars were low during these hours. They mostly happened while she was in the room next to mine. They happened less frequently when she moved downstairs. I think getting up to the bathroom was easier for her. I also think that her struggling to go up the stairs caused the low sugars.

Today is T shot day so I took it now. I usually do if I am up and remember. I have no idea where I put my bag of supplies. I just pulled some out. I am hoping I can find the bag by next shot. I need to pack some stuff for the trip next weekend. I am just going to bring my jeans and sweatpants, underwear, and some long sleeve shirts in case it is freezing. I have no idea how far up in New Hampshire we will be. I hope it isn’t stressful. My sister is planning on having a dinner up there for Christmas. I think it will be nice. Hopefully the weather will be good.

Rain was pouring down I can hardly breathe

Grief is hitting me hard today. Nothing in particular set it off. I just miss my mother. It’s been eight months. So fucking hard. I got up late today as I woke up early. I didn’t want to go back to bed but I did. It was a good sleep. I wish it kept the grief away.

I have been thinking about how I have been suicidal since I was eight. I know part of me is suicidal because of not being a boy and having to suppress it for so long. I talked about this in therapy today. It was a difficult session. She wanted me to talk about my strengths but I don’t know what they are. I told her I don’t want to be alive. Last night was hard for me. I didn’t tell her I was in crisis or anything. I just don’t want to be here.

After therapy, I made lunch. I was hungry. I made a pizza. It always makes me happy. I had a coffee while it was cooking. I just had two cups today. I finally changed my bedding last night but I seemed to have misplaced my T bag. I don’t know where I put it. I might have to just get a syringe and things out just for this dose this week. I also have my migraine med this week. Tomorrow I have to go pick up my Effexor. I ran out. I meant to fill it last week and forgot.

I will be seeing my cousin on Friday. I will head south of Boston. It should be fun. I can’t wait.