Category: depression

done enough todaying

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Done enough todaying

I had a meeting with my sisters with the lawyer this morning. I didn’t want to get up but I thought I would have to sign papers. We just talked about what we want going forward with the house. Eventually I need to do a will, with a lawyer, so that if something happens to me, my sisters or my blood relatives know what to do. Then I did some more errands. My sister took me to one of the discount clubs so I could get more Ensure. This place had it cheaper than Amazon. I also got some chicken breast so I can make a roast on a day that is cooler than it is right now.

I ordered lunch like I typically do when I get paid. It was good. I missed taking my stomach pill this morning. It got wrapped up in the sheets somehow and I only found it when I was getting dressed. I was wondering why I was having heartburn. Now I know. I might make chicken tonight so that I have it tomorrow for lunch. Depends on what time I get home.

I see my pcp tomorrow. My knees have been sort of ok but going down stairs hurts me and getting up from sitting after like a half hour or so hurts. I got a wicked migraine yesterday with the storms that came in. OMG it was so brutal. Later that night, I got into a fight with my sister because I didn’t pick up after her kids. I was pissed off. Just stupid things. She said some awful stuff that I didn’t appreciate.

I am suffering from heartburn in a bad way right now. I had a spicy chicken thing at the club and my stomach is not liking it at all. Might have to take Mylanta. I am so tired from all the walking around the place. I walked over 3,000 steps today. Tomorrow I will be doing at least 4,000. I am not looking forward to it as it is supposed to be really hot, like 92. I don’t know what the humidity will be. I really hope it is a dry heat but that would be so rare for Boston…

Euphoria hit me today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, transgender

Just got my haircut. Little boy on the bus was staring at me and I was wondering if he was thinking I was a boy or girl and had to stop myself. I am a boy and I nearly wept as my chest was throbbing. The euphoria was finally hitting me. I wondered if I would ever feel it since my mother’s death. I looked at my photo I took and posted on an FTM support groups. A member said they see a grown man, complete with a male hairline. I am losing my hair and the pic kind of looks like a comb over that my sister pointed out. I don’t care. I still think I look good. I have issues with my body. My stomach is giving me such dysphoria since the binders have been off. I haven’t gained weight but I haven’t lost any either, which is frustrating. I have been cutting calories to no effect. I know I haven’t been active either but it’s a slippery slope with my foot. Any big active days such as walking more than 5 blocks hurts me. My limit is 0.4 miles, anything more than that and I am in pain.

Today has been a rough day due to headaches. I woke up a couple times after dreaming with them. I told my psychiatris about it and he doesn’t have answers. I need to see a neurologist. I had one. I need to call to see if I still do. I had a skipped appt with her back when I was catatonic so don’t know if they kicked me out because of it. It has been thundering and downpouring the past couple of hours so my head hurts. Not sure if it is a migraine or not. I need a nap. I am tired.

My internet was not connecting well today so m psychiatrist called me. We talked about meds. He wants to play with my Latuda and I told him we could but I could become psychotic again with a lower dose or stopping it. He wants to bring the Effexor dose up but until I have my neuro appt, he is holding off.

Gonna stop here. My head is hurting too much.

Quiet Monday 24072023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up to my med alarm but didn’t get up until an hour later when my bladder said get up NOW. I got up to pee. Went back to my room to take my meds, Went back downstairs to brush my teeth. Then I made coffee. My sister was home and was helping my niece rearrange the room. I stayed out of the way and went to the kitchen for coffee. I had two cups before returning to my room.

I had therapy soon. I had no idea what to talk about as I woke up kind of still sleepy and headachy. It was not a productive session. I was talking about random things that happened since we last met but nothing to talk about in depth.

After therapy, I tried to take a nap. But I had to pee again. Went and then I had some cake my sister made. It was good. I needed to eat something but didn’t know what. I went on the porch and my ramen noodles were gone. So was my Velveeta mac and cheese. I found some rice so I made that. It was ok. I wish I had chicken breast so I could roast it. With some potatoes too. But I didn’t have it. I need to buy some. I probably will next week.

My check wasn’t deposited in my account today. Hope it will tomorrow as I set up an appointment with my barber for a haircut. I’d hate to cancel.

Saturday Blog 22072023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 22072023

I woke up around 0230 and never really went back to sleep. I was on my phone most of the night. I have been trying to do the duolingo all day but keep messing up where the possessive of the verb goes. Ugh, it is frustrating the hell out of me! I then run out of hearts so have to quit the level. I am learning though. I think one more crack at it and I will complete it.

I wanted to go out today as I haven’t been out of the house since Monday. I know I went out with my sister and aunt yesterday but I wanted to do some reading, something for me. I left without checking the bus schedule. I had to wait like 25 mins for the next bus. There was an old guy sitting on the bench inside the covered stop and he sat right in the middle so you couldn’t sit down. I hate when people do that. He ended up missing his bus because he was on his phone. HAHA. I got to the Square and OMG they had like mini markets all around the place and there were a lot of people. I hate crowds and worried Starbucks might be full. I would hate to get there, get my drink and sandwich and have to go back home. But there was a seat available when I got there. I was so glad. I had my lunch and then I read for about an hour. I finished the chapter on Indigenous people and suicide. It was a difficult chapter and if I ever become a therapist, that population will be hard to deal with. I don’t know if I would have the cultural confidence to treat them. I started the next chapter which was dealing with youth and I left in the middle.

I got the bus home and bought some snacks at Walgreens. I wanted chips and Reese’s. I got the big cup and it is in the fridge. I hope no one eats it. I will be pissed. My sister organized the kitchen to her liking. I hope she isn’t going to get rid of my mother’s mixer because I told her I want it. I have no clue how to operate her mixer so I rather have my mother’s that I have used for years. I might not bake regularly but it is still nice to have.

Sox resumed and lost the game they played. The second game is I think an hour from now (1920). My side has been spazzing since I got on the bus so I am not sure I will be up as I might need to take Ativan for it. The Robaxin hasn’t been helpful so far. The coffee I had made me buzzed so I am not sleepy. I should be as I have been up more than twelve hours. I am kind of tired but I don’t want to go to bed yet. It is still early. I think I might have to start re-taking the magnesium supplements if these spasms continue. It’s the only thing that helps. I am down to my last bottle of the Vitamin Shoppe kind I take. I will see if they have more in stock as they were out the last time I tried to order a bunch.

I have a busy week coming up. Three appointments. Should be fun…