Category: depression

I am a student again and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am a student again and other things

I am now registered for two classes in the Fall. Registration was open today. I am glad all I had to do was checkout to register as I already picked out my classes. I had my drains and vest removed today. I am still wrapped with Ace bandages for compression as I will need that the next three weeks. The chest looks good and I am happy with the results.

Today when I got up this morning, the house felt really empty with my mother gone. I still can’t believe she is dead. I am so torn up. I’ve thought about her all day. I feel both sad and relieved. Last night was hard sleeping with her gone. I expected to hear her walker while I was up. Her phone still rings though I don’t know who is calling her. By the time I make it to the phone, they have hung up.

Moving on without her is not going to be easy.

Mom

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My mom passed away today. This was her favorite sugar because she was a diabetic. She passed peacefully at home. Will.write more tomorrow

turn for the worst

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Turn for the worst

I have been up since 0300. I went down for coffee around 0700 and my sisters were changing my mother. She was out of it and my sister said that she doesn’t have much time left. It has been a day. I had therapy but only half a session as I got uncomfortable with the vest on. I just couldn’t sit anymore and I had to pee really bad. The family came over the house. We ordered food. My mother was sleeping through most of it. The times she was awake she didn’t make much sense. She kept on saying words randomly with no coherence to what she was trying to say or what she did say just didn’t make any sense. The hospice nurse wants us to continue doing what we are doing. She has stopped her oral meds and will only take the hospice medication.

We are basically watching her die. I hate it. I feel really sad about it. I don’t know what I am going to do without her. I have so many mixed feelings about her dying and about her in general. It has always been a love/hate relationship. It is hard on my kids. My nephew is despondent. He is really angry. My nieces have been crying on and off all day. My youngest niece can’t handle it. I want to protect them but I don’t know how to.

My chest revealing isn’t going to be until Wed as the drainage is too much. I made my pcp appointment virtual so I wouldn’t have to leave the house tomorrow. I don’t know if it will be a useful visit. I am not quite sure what we will talk about. Things are getting hazy for me lately. I have been so tired it is hard to think. I need sleep tonight and I hope it is through the night.

day 5 post op, feeling shitty

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, transgender

Day 5 post op, feeling shitty

I woke up once during the night. My mother and sister were up. My mother was congested and was coughing up shit. I don’t know if she was puking or not. I made sure she was okay and then went back to bed. I took some pain meds because I was hurting. There is an area on my chest that twinges. I am not sure if it is incisional pain or the nipple reattaching but it is weird. It doesn’t hurt but it does throb. I hurt the left side when I got up around 10 to empty the drains. OMG the pain was bad, I could hardly move. I shuffled to make coffee. I just feel shitty and worn out. I don’t have a fever.

My mother is feeling better today. She is more alert than she was yesterday. It was so difficult watching her be so lethargic because her sugar was so low and then even when we brought it up, she didn’t come out of it. We just let her rest.

Sox are winning right now 6-3 over the O’s. Houck is pitching good today, so far. I just hope the bullpen doesn’t mess up the score. We need a win.

I hope the drainage from the drains continue to be less. I had 30 mL from the right side today and about 10 on the left. The right side is more swollen than the left, even though the left hurts more. If it stays at 30 mLs, I could have the drains out and see what my chest looks like! I am so excited to be flat. I have waited for so long. It is a dream come true for me. I am finally who I am meant to be. Now I just need to get rid of some of my belly fat. I plan on trying to walk more now that the weather is nicer. Nothing drastic just a block at first and see how my foot reacts. I still am protective of my CRPS foot/ankle. I see my pcp this week about it. I hope she will put me on some meds for it. I am almost out of gabapentin. I hope my doc will refill it tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. Lots to discuss. I have a new body that I still haven’t seen yet. I have to take Ativan to calm me down because the compression vest is getting me all anxious. I can move my chest but I feel like everything is constricting me and it feels like suffocation. I was able to have a bowel movement today and wipe myself. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to reach but I was able to without pain. I still need to take some Miralax to get going but I have appointments the next couple of days so I will take it when I am home. I have no idea where I put the vouchers for the taxi that I got. It’s not where I thought I put it. Hope I didn’t throw them away by accident.

I am so tired today. I tried to nap earlier but couldn’t get comfortable. It takes a lot for me to get comfy these days. I have to be careful moving my arm as it pulls on the drain and hurts. Just sucks. Really hope tomorrow is a good day for me. I will know in the morning if I will be going in to take the drains out. All depends on how much fluid there is.