Category: depression

Cranky and pissed off

Monday when I met with my therapist she said would finish the letter for me and then send it to me on Tues. I never heard from her so texted her today and have gotten no response. I am so pissed. I dropped my classes because I wasn’t able to get financial aid. I tried to see if the class was still open and its not. I am really frustrated.

I tried calling the department of mental health to see the status of my application and I got hit with an answering service that just hung up instead of beeping to leave a message. I was able to call another number and leave a message. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I dreaded making the phone call.

I just wanted to stay in bed today but I had to see the lawyer to sign some paperwork for the house. I can’t believe I am a homeowner now. I miss my mother and wish she wasn’t dead. I knew we would become owners when she died but I never thought it would be now. Just sucks.

I didn’t know what to make for lunch. I heated up some chicken patty and made fries. Now I feel really bloated. Wish I stuck to plan of just drinking Ensure and coffee all day. I still need another cup but it is after 1630 so maybe I won’t. I hate that I get bloated with anything in my stomach now.

The guy on facebook met up with me today so we can try and trap one of the cats in our yard. He showed me how to work the trap. Seems simple enough. Just hope my brother in law doesn’t have a cow when he comes home. The cat we want to capture comes around 9pm or so. I will have to be on alert to watch the trap afterwards. We agreed tomorrow will be best as the cat can sniff around the trap and not be scared by it.

I got an email from my therapist. Finally the letter is ready. I uploaded everything so now they should be set. Now I wait for a response. I hope I get something so I can take classes in the Spring semester. I have no idea what I am going to take other than Italian 102, which I hope I can still take. I am doing well with the Duolingo but the problem is it isn’t telling me the rules for Italian grammar and what kind of “the” goes before something. It is a little frustrating. There have been times where I just quit the module because it will say something so fast and I know my brain can’t translate it or spell it right. I can read Italian. I have a harder time understanding when it is spoken to me. You have to speak slow for me to understand and comprehend what is being said. Otherwise, forget about it. I am not getting it.

I am so fricken tired. Sox are playing tonight. I plan on listening to the game. Last night they lost so bad. I had to stop listening after the 6^th run scored for the other team. It was sad.

Today’s blog 08082023

I got up late. I didn’t care as I was tired from doing my errands last night and then clearing the kitchen. I made an egg burrito. When I finished, I called a guy that does trapping for feral cats. We talked and seems this tuxedo kitten has been around the neighborhood, just eating food. He or she is friendly. I have agreed to set up a trap for them tomorrow night. The guy will take him to the vet and see if he can be adopted and such.

I then shaved. I took off the rest of my beard. I left the mustache alone. I need to shower but I don’t have the energy. I think I lost my Latuda script. My doc sent a refill in and I waited a half hour to be told it can’t be filled till Saturday. I will be without for a couple of days. My psychiatrist said that the med has a long half life so I should be ok. I hope so.

I feel so tired today. I also have the hungry horrors. I don’t have snacks to snack on. I can’t go shopping until Friday. I have no idea what to get so I will just get what I need to make the marinara sauce and pasta. I might get cauliflower as I found another good cheesy recipe. I also found a keto cheese pizza recipe without crust I want to try. Might be too hot for the oven but we’ll see. Today was disgusting in the house. I have stayed in my room most of the day.

Back flare up and other stuff

I got up kind of later than I wanted to. I had hoped to be up by 10 so I could do errands before therapy but I got up too late. Therapy didn’t go so well. Supposedly, she will finish the letter for me tomorrow. I hope so or Wed I am texting the shit out of her until I get the letter. We talked about change. I don’t really know about it to do it. I feel I have made changes since I came home from the hospital as my pain is less than it was. I still have pain if I do too much but I don’t go into suicidal depressions like I did when I do have a flare up. I said so and then got she isn’t denying that I have a medical condition. I just think we want different things and I am not sure we will ever be on the same page about them.

After therapy, I checked the bus schedule. Bus was going to be here soon so I just put my sneakers on, grabbed a recycle bag and headphones, then left the house. I got to the Square and did my errands. I had to wait for the bus home. It got crowded and I stood for most of the way home then walked home. My legs were not cooperating with me. I have no idea why they were aching me. I got to the street that I swear turns into a mile even though it isn’t and I was tired by the time I got to my street. I had picked up a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks and ate it when I got to my kitchen. The dishwasher had to be emptied and the pans washed. I finished eating and then did them. But holy hell, my back flared up. I tried to continue doing them, taking a break in between but it was no good. I stood for too long and paid the price. I am not going to do anything more. I put the stuff from the dishwasher away and then went up to my room. I remembered to grabbed a cup as I need to take Miralax. I am hoping the bloated feeling is because I haven’t moved my bowels well the past few days.

I was going to shave today but I think I will wait for tomorrow to do that. I need a shower so that can be the activity for tomorrow. I don’t have anything planned so I can rest most of the day if I choose. My Starbucks funds are running low so I don’t plan on leaving the house. I have to do some grocery shopping on Friday. Wed I might go out after I see the lawyer for the estate of my house. We are finalizing some stuff. My sisters want to go away for Christmas but I am not going to be able to afford it. One of my nieces vetoed going to the islands so now they are thinking something out of state. I just worry about snow storms during that time of the month.