Category: depression

To those that celebrate, Happy Easter. Happy Passover to those who celebrate and Happy Ramadan to those who celebrate as well.

I had a good family dinner. I didn’t eat too much. I had a little piece of cheesecake for dessert. I showered and I think it exhausted me. My niece helped change my bandage. I am compressed by ace bandages. Feels better than the binder. I think the binder shrunk in the dryer so is just really tight now.

I am glad I have therapy tomorrow. My sister said she is taking the week off of work. I don’t blame her. She needs time to heal and her job is stressful. I still feel sad and I am not sleeping through the night. I keep waking up between 2 and 4 am most nights. I try to go to bed later but it is so hard. Usually by 2100 I am ready for bed.

Saturday Blog 08042023

I had a difficult night sleeping because I put the binder on too tight. It took several tries to get it on so I didn’t want to try and loosen it for fear of it not going back on. I thought about sleeping without it but I didn’t. When I got up to have my coffee, I took it off to take a break from it. I haven’t heard from visiting nurses so I don’t think they will be coming this weekend. I am not changing my bandage on the wound. I will change the other bandages tomorrow. I just am not up for it today.

I did my meds for the week. I have to refill my antidepressant next week. I am listening to the game. They are playing against the Tigers in Detroit. They have taken the lead 6-0 right now. Another 2 run homerun by Duvall and it’s 8-0 Sox!

I am tired. I feel so low in energy. I am sad most of the time. I keep thinking about my mother. I woke up to an empty house again. I don’t know if I am going to get used to it. I got used to having coffee with my niece. We would chit chat as my mother usually snoozed for her morning nap. It had become a routine. I would get up around 10 as my mother would take her morning nap. I would have coffee. Sometimes my mother would be up and I would drink my coffee with her as she did some puzzles or something. It has only been a few days since she died. I still look in her room to see if she is there. I miss her so much.

I want to at least wash my hair but the kitchen sink has some pans in it and crap. I refuse to clean it out. I can shower but I have to have someone pack the wound as I can’t do it myself. That is why I am waiting on nursing. I figure I try and time the shower to just before they come so that I am clean before putting on new bandages.

What a fucking day

I woke up this morning to my med alarm and wanted to sleep longer. That wasn’t to be as the surgeon’s office called me and told me they had an opening at 11 for me to come in. I wanted my side looked at because it was bigger and I didn’t want a huge scar. They packed it off and now I will have a nurse come to the house to help me with changing the bandages. I want to shower one of the times before the nurse comes so that I can be really clean. Surgeon says I can shower, I just can’t swim or go to a hot tub. I still am under restrictions in lifting things. I can’t pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

After the appointment, I went and picked up my prescriptions I have been waiting for all week. I don’t know what the problem is. Seems like the last few times I have had refills or orders, I had to call to get them ready for pick up. I hope I don’t have to do this for all my prescriptions. They used to be pretty good within a day of asking for a refill.

I came home and was in my room when my sister took a nutty with the bandages and stuff I left in the bathroom. I don’t know what the fuck her problem is. Then when asking me what I was going to wear for the services, my sister (same one) asks me if I am going to shave. No, I am not shaving. WTF. Totally pissed me off.

I am still feeling wicked sad. Today I felt some happiness about my chest but it is so hard to sort through the sadness. I listened to a message she left me a couple of weeks ago just to hear her voice. I miss her so much. I didn’t think I would but I do. For better or worse she was my mother. I am just happy that in the last month of her life she called me son. I know it must not have been easy for her. But I am proud she did it. It changed how I feel about her in the last month of her life. It also made it easier to care for her. I miss her so much.

This is Armani