I woke up yesterday with a screaming headache that did not improve. By night time it felt like my brain was on fire and ready to explode. I sent a message to my pcp and she got back to me today saying I can take up to two doses of my migraine med. I just called as I still have a bad headache. I am waiting for a call back.
I had therapy yesterday. I didn’t know if I was going to keep appt because of the headache. I did and we just talked about random stuff. I totally forgot to ask her what services I need for dept of mental health. I will wait until I see her again before sending the paperwork. We talked briefly about how the anniversary of my suicide attempt is coming up. Hard to believe.
My pcp actually called me rather than the nurse. She said it is most likely migraine activity and I should use my migraine med. I am going to take another dose in about an hour or so. I am glad she agreed it isn’t an aneurysm like I was thinking. She said if I have any neurological symptoms or if it gets worse to go to ED. As long as this is a migraine, I don’t think I will have to go to ED.
I had put a book on hold and the library just sent me a reminder. I am going to try and pick it up tomorrow. It is a Lawrence Block book. I love his Matt Scudder series. I was hoping they would have his latest book but they don’t. I will have to get it my next pay period. Sox are playing the Nationals tonight. Not sure I am up to listening as sound bothers me. Might read and just keep track of the game. I’m not a fan of the pitcher. He either does really good or gets shelled. Very inconsistent. But that is typical of starting pitchers this season. Be a miracle if he got run support but our offense hasn’t been there. Sad.
I woke up dreading the day. I woke up so much later than I wanted to. I had another night of weird dreams and headaches. So much broken sleep made me not want to get up so I just stayed in bed. I finally got up because I was hungry. It was 1530. I fucking hated getting up so late. I had two cups of coffee and made some eggs, with no cheese. The cheese was all stuck together and I just didn’t want to deal with it. This is how cranky I was. I hate my fucking life. The towels are still not folded and my sister put a bunch of Tupperware on the kitchen table. Why, I don’t know.
After drinking my second cup of coffee, I went back to my room to fill out the cab vouchers and put on my sneakers. I was contemplating how to go from one end of town to the other to pick up my med that I have been without the past two nights. I just decided to do one task at a time. I called the cab and then went downstairs to grab a couple of reusable bags then went outside to wait for it. I should have had the cab wait for me as I was in the store for maybe ten minutes. I got what I needed and then went home. I put the stuff away and then did my meds for the week. As I did this, I drank some water. I also checked the ballgame as it was playing. We are losing right now 6-1. After I did my meds for the week, I checked the bus schedule. No rest for the weary as the bus was coming. Ugh. I put my sneakers on and left.
The bus dropped me off at the Square. I didn’t know if I wanted something to drink or not. I have three dollars left to me until I get paid again. I got my med and then missed the bus on the way home. I had to wait another twenty minutes for the next one. I was tired already and I had started out with negative spoons. I thought about making the chocolate pie today but I am too damn tired. I will make it tomorrow.
I stopped in the store to get a chocolate bar on the way home. I needed chocolate badly. I figure I deserve it as I did my errands for the day. I still hate my life. I am so fucking tired. I walked almost 3,000 steps. I don’t know what time I am going to take my meds. I had been taking them between 1900 and 1930. I was hoping for some sleep improvement but no such luck. I set a couple of alarms for tomorrow so I would be up to make the sauce and pie. I hope I bought enough pasta. They had medium size bags of cavatellis so I grabbed two. I have no idea how many ounces they were. I just know if I have another crappy sleep, I am going to be in a bitchy mood tomorrow again. I hate being in a bitchy mood.
I had a very rough night with bad dreams and headaches. I woke up much later than planned, even though I went to bed at a reasonable time, though it was a little later. The Sox won and it was hard for me to go to bed right away. I woke up feeling like shit. I had to shower and go to the grocery store. I had two cups of coffee with some toast. The headache sort of went away but was still there. I dreaded showering and going out. I finally went and took a shower, shaving my armpits. I didn’t do the face as I just wasn’t in the mood to lather shaving cream on and do a proper shave. I took a shower and was so exhausted afterwards. I had to lay on my bed undressed for a while. I pondered about going to the grocery store. I even took out the cab vouchers but I just couldn’t get myself to call a cab. I just wanted to stay home, in bed. I ended up cooking some chicken I took out last night. I thought maybe some food will give me energy to go out. Nope. I went back to my room.
I had just logged on my laptop when my sister knocked. She wanted to know why I didn’t do the dishes in the sink or fold the towels that I washed two days ago. I told her I didn’t feel good but that wasn’t a good enough excuse for her. She is such a bitch. The dishes in the sink aren’t even mine, they are either hers or her kids. I am so sick of being the one stuck with keeping the kitchen today just BECAUSE I AM HOME. My sister just doesn’t get it. I have been dealing with depression since the other night. I wish I were dead. I would probably be back in the hospital if I went to the ED for it. I have no active plans to harm myself but it wouldn’t take much to come up with one. I am tired of defending my disability to her. I have fallen on deaf ears.
I just want to fucking cry. I can’t go to bed early because I will be up in the middle of the night. If I go to bed after 10pm I am more likely to have bad dreams and wake up with headaches. I just don’t know anymore. The headaches weren’t severe so I didn’t take anything for them. I’ve had a low level headache all day. It’s like a ring around my head hurts. I feel like I am wearing one of my baseball caps but I am not. My side is cramping so I took some Ativan and Robaxin. Sox are playing the Tigers. I haven’t decided if I am going to listen to the game. Sale is back today and is on the mound tonight. I might listen to a couple of innings. I need a distraction as my mood is in the tank.
I posted on one of the FTM support groups about my waist becoming smaller but still having a fat belly. I haven’t lost any weight. I think the fat is just being redistributed because of the testosterone. I have no idea how to get rid of the belly fat. I have been watching what I eat but some days I just get tempted to eat something fatty and sugary. There is a dessert I want to make for Sunday. I might just make a chocolate pie instead of the Oreo dessert. I don’t think I can afford all the ingredients. I have no idea how much the pasta is going to be and if I can’t find big bags, I will have to buy at least 4 smaller ones. I am just stressed out about it. I still need to buy more half and half too for coffee.
I see these memes for chronic pain and I just want to share them with my PCP or sister. I just found one that has barbed wired on both legs with the don’t tell someone with chronic pain to exercise. Because this is what it feels like. I feel it because sometimes it does feel that way or feels like cement is tied to the legs. So damn hard just walking to the bus stop some days.
I got up really late today. I had no where to be so I just stayed in bed. As I was having my coffee, I got a callback from the department of mental health. They never got my application so I need to submit it. They said that it would be “expedited” as it has been so long. I am so mad. I went on the website and it was 26 pages long! I have no idea what services I need. I had to sign three release forms. I spent the entire afternoon on this. Then my toner went. I won’t be able to print anything until I get a new one.
On facebook, I found a chicken broccoli casserole dish that is pretty easy. I will order the ingredients when I get paid next. I can’t wait to make it. I asked if my niece would eat it too and she said yes. Cool because I think this might become a new dish I would make regularly, if it comes out good.
I have been trying to think of what to write. My thinking hasn’t been the best all day today. I feel wicked depressed. Last night I wanted to die and didn’t know why. I just felt like I should be dead. I didn’t act or think of a plan to end my life. I just wished I would die. I was overwhelmed with depression. I posted on FB about how I was feeling. I got some support.
According to ABC (Nearly 50,000 Americans died by suicide in 2022, a record-high number: CDC – ABC News (go.com)), 49,449 Americans died last year. I would have been 49,450 had I had succeeded. I wonder how many of these people were LGBTQ. I am sure the breakdown by state is there. Too many people are dying because of pain. It is sad. I also wonder how many were chronic pain patients who got their opioids cut due to the crisis.
Today was dreary. It was overcast and raining some of the time. I hope there are no delays with tonight’s game. We are playing Kansas City. So far no score. I took my meds early tonight because I need to be up tomorrow to go food shopping for Sunday dinner. Can’t wait to make the marinara sauce. Been so long since I cooked for more than myself. I took out some chicken so I could make something tomorrow. I only had a peanut butter sandwich. I’m not very hungry today. I need to shower between now and sometime tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. It always stresses me out. I need to shave and trim my armpits. Grooming is such a pain in the ass sometimes.
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