Category: depression

I don’t have time to write today because of the wake and tomorrow’s the funeral. So here is a pic of Armani the super cat

Insurmountable grief

I was up again at midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till around 5. I had set my alarm for 630 so that I could go get my blood drawn but I didn’t get up. I will have to go tomorrow morning. When I went downstairs for coffee, there were clothes to be folded. Some of the clothes were my mother’s. I felt so much sadness and grief. I want to cry but I just can’t seem to let loose.

The visiting nurse just came to change my bandage. She said I should be getting some supplies soon but I haven’t gotten them yet. She also said I am moving too much which is not good for my wound. I am trying to stay still but it is so hard. Today I folded clothes and loaded the dishwasher. Things need doing around the house. I also made stuff for me to eat, mostly leftover ham that I devoured. We got an edible arrangement from my cousins. The oranges were so sweet and good. I didn’t lift it because it is too heavy for me.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to sleep but I just lay there while my brain thinks about my mother and the past few weeks while she was alive. Or it remembers times when it was tough and my mother and I didn’t get along.

Two weeks post op top surgery

Today I am two weeks post op from Top surgery. The nurse just came to change my dressing. Another nurse will be by tomorrow to do the same. I feel good, just tired. It is probably because I am not sleeping during the night. I woke up around midnight last night and didn’t go back to sleep till around 4. I just couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about my mother.

I went grocery shopping as I needed half and half. I bought some cauliflower as it was on sale. I had to satisfy my addiction to it. My niece has gotten so good at making it. It was gone on Sunday when she made it and she made two heads. I am making chicken breast tonight.

I just want to sleep. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I had four cups of coffee today. I am trying to avoid a nap. I don’t know why I am bothering as I lay down for a bit and then my brain starts thinking of shit so I can’t nap. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about my sleeping pattern. I don’t know if he can change it as the trazodone didn’t work for me. I don’t want to take a sleeping pill. I am too afraid of the side effects. I woke up before 9am today and have been going most of the day. I had coffee with my sister. We are trying to get a lawyer for the estate stuff. Just hope it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg to do what needs to be done, whatever that is. I know I have to provide proof of my name change.

I am just so sad with all of this. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I keep remembering the day my mother died and how she was sleeping and then just died. I kept staring at her, willing her to move but she was gone. There was nothing I could do. I just stared at her. My niece and sister were crying. My sister was trying to put the bed down. I didn’t think she would die this soon. I wanted her around for another birthday. I feel cheated because my sisters had her for their birthdays and I didn’t because she was in the hospital. I got her card a week later. I am saving it because it is the last birthday card I will ever get from her.

I sort of want another appointment with my therapist but not sure about timing due to the nurse coming tomorrow and then the wake Thurs. She doesn’t work Fridays. I think I will be ok. I am just feeling invisible and like a nothing right now. My niece washed the clothes I had planned to do today. She was up really early this morning. I am so tired. I got to go for bloodwork tomorrow. It’s to check my T level and blood counts. Once I have recovered from surgery, I plan on donating blood again. I also need to pick up my prescriptions. I am almost out of my antidepressant. I got to call in the morning to find out when it will be done. Sucks I have to do this otherwise it just stays in the “in process” queue.

Just done with today

I had therapy this morning so I had to get up. My med alarm is my saving grace because I think otherwise I would have slept through my appointment. I didn’t want to get out of bed today, at all. I got a message from the surgeon’s office. Nursing is still being finagled so I had to go in. I tried to keep the compression bandage on but by the time I got to the office, it fell off. They put it on before I left and by the time I came home, if fell off again. Fuck it. I don’t care anymore. It is so bloody annoying. I wanted to go to the little grocery store in the Square but I was so bloody tired. I just caught the bus home. I hadn’t eaten anything all day except some biscuits with coffee. I was starving. I really wanted ham but I couldn’t find it so I just took the lasagna. It was good. Maybe when my sister comes home from her walk, I can get the ham.

It is like 60 degrees today so I am wearing shorts with my button-down shirt. I stayed in the same clothes. I don’t care. I am too lazy to change. I am so fricken tired. I was again up in the middle of the night. I read for a couple of hours. I also wrote in my journal. I read about mentalizing by Jon Allen. I find the concept fascinating. Mind in mind, or something like that. It always makes sense when I read it but trying to describe it outside of the paper is hard to do.

My chest hurts. I keep getting cramps on my side and between the rib muscles. I took some ibuprofen. It should take care of the discomfort. I can take off the nipple bandages tomorrow and just put on bacitracin on them from now on. I can use a bandage if they get rough or irritate my clothing. Now I just need this wound to heal and I will be done. I can be shirtless. I can’t go out in the sun the first time because of scar issues but I plan on applying vitamin E to help decrease scarring. Hopefully it will work.

I wanted ham but it might have to wait until tomorrow. My legs are so heavy feeling right now. I just don’t want to get up unless I absolutely have to. There is a game tonight. I am going to listen to it and hope it doesn’t put me to sleep. Last night I fell asleep around 8pm and woke up around midnight. I don’t want to make the same mistake again. It is going to be tough as I really want to take a snooze right now.