Category: depression

I had major broken sleep during the night. I woke you around 7ish to pee and stayed up for a little bit but went back to sleep. I had a headache when I finally got up around 1230/1300. I made coffee and finished the Oreos. My niece and nephew ate most of the family sized package. The cookies have been the only thing I’ve eaten so far today. Not sure if I am going to finish off the Chinese I ordered yesterday or make the steak I bought.

My sister wanted me to photograph the house for the insurance policy. I had to do some errands and when I came home, I was beat. I sat and rested on my bed while listening to Sara Evans. I will be seeing her in two weeks. Can’t wait. I finished the rest of my book and then became a photographer. I took pics of everything and walked around the outside of my house. I forgot the key to the basement so had to go back. I swear the driveway is like a city block. I was so tired and my back was killing me from standing around. I sent my sister the pics as I rested on her sofa. I then climbed two flights of stairs to my room. I was dead. Legs were saying no more and back is still killing me. It feels tight so might have to do some exercises to loosen it up.

Sox played a day game so I have the evening free for reading. Think I’ll read the suicidology book. My new Matt Scudder book won’t be in till next week. I also ordered another suicidology book. My library is expanding. Wish my book space would. I have two stacks on my desk of mostly read books. The books I plan on donating to the Transgender Program have come in. I plan on bringing them in some time next week.

I’ve been anxious most of the day and I don’t know why. I might take some Ativan. I’m trying not to take a nap as it just messes up my sleep. Ankle got flared yesterday when I showered. Today it flared after all the walking I did. Right now it is barking. I want to grill the steak. But I don’t want to move right now. Maybe will grill it tomorrow after I get my haircut. Yes, that sounds like a plan. I’ll just have the leftover Chinese food.

Every time I cry

My mother rarely physically harmed us growing up. It was only when we were on her last nerve, she would hit us. Growing up, I mostly suffered her verbal abuse. She could be cuttingly sarcastic and mean and when giving it back, she would get upset, often using her “mom” voice to cut us down even further.

I’ve been trying to be human. I took a shower today and pulled a muscle in my side. I don’t know how I did it but it hurt. I shaved a little and thought about having a goatee but couldn’t really get myself to do it. I need to make some chicken I took out or it will go bad. I have been living on peanut butter sandwiches the last couple of days. I just am not hungry. I haven’t been drinking too much coffee, either. Yesterday and today I only had one cup. I spent most of the afternoon after therapy in bed, sleeping. Therapy was tough because I just woke up and really couldn’t think of anything worth talking about. I brought up the blog I wrote but wasn’t in the mood to really talk about it. Grieving has been so hard and difficult. Today as I was drinking my coffee, the house was eerily silent. I sometimes hate I am home alone so much. I didn’t get up till after 12. I had headaches all morning. I have no idea what time I took my migraine med. My head was pounding so much I didn’t notice the time.

I got a message my prescription was refilled but the pharmacy doesn’t have it yet. I will wait for it to be ready and then go to the Square tomorrow to pick it up. I haven’t decided if I am going to get my haircut or let it grow out a little more. The top is getting long and I like it, even tho some days it is wild with bedhead.

I got an email from Amazon saying I would be getting royalty this month. Last month I got a whopping 0.07 cents. I still have no idea how I get it but I will take it because obviously someone is reading my book.

I plan on putting in my grocery order for tomorrow and have it delivered Thursday. No one will be home so I will be getting some exercise going up and down stairs. Hope to have it in the morning so at least I can rest the afternoon.

Saturday Blog 19082023

I had another bad night sleeping so I wrote some stuff that was on my mind. I sent my psychiatrist my blog I wrote. I was going to send it to my therapist but she never reads what I send her so I didn’t. I am feeling really sad. I’ve been thinking about the last week my mother was alive. I was trying to take care of her while recovering from top surgery. It was hard to do. I had to empty drains and usually she would just be sleeping when I went downstairs. By the time the weekend rolled around, she was hitting the death phase and by Tues, a week after I had my surgery, she was gone.

I have no energy today to do anything. I made pancakes and then a roast beef sandwich. I am full now. My sister has been after me to clean the pan I made the pancakes on. I will do it once I get the energy.  It is soaking now so should be easy to clean afterwards. I had two cups of coffee but it didn’t do anything. Sox were already playing a day game. They won against the skankees. I hope they can continue to do well. There are only 40 games or so left in the season.

Monday I see my therapist and might share the blog in session with her. Depends if I feel like dealing with my feelings. Just is so hard to figure things out now that my mother is dead. I am tired but I am going to stay up for a couple of hours to read some. I sent my pcp this pic. I hope she can understand that even though I often don’t present in pain, I still hurt. It hurts walking most times as my legs feel like they are cement. I don’t know how she will take it but I don’t care. I put it out there so that there is a record of it. I hope she understands.