Category: depression

Long day for one recipe

I wanted to make chicken broccoli casserole so I had my cousin take me to the grocery store this morning. I woke up and had a cup of coffee. I had a headache but it went away without me having to take something for it. I was tired but determined to make this. I bought what I needed and then came home.

I cooked the chicken and then let it cool. My niece put it in the fridge. I shredded it up as I made the broccoli. I swear this recipe called for like two hours but it damn near took all afternoon. After I cooked the broccoli, I made the rice using the same water. I didn’t want to have a lot of pans to clean. As the rice was cooking, I prepared the chicken mixture. It was hard to get a cup of sour cream and half a cup of mayonnaise measured and then out of the measuring cup. I then got the cheese and loaded it up. When the rice was done, I just poured it in the baking dish. Then layered the broccoli and chicken mix. I topped if off with cheese and then popped it in the oven. I waited until it was done. I was so tired, I didn’t eat it right away. I went up to my room to rest. I kept doing this until things were done. I had so much leftover. I plan on bringing some to my barber.

My toner came for my printer. I just need to put it in. I am in no rush. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow. I might cancel. I don’t know if I am going to be up by 11 tomorrow morning. I thought I had Shania Twain’s Come on Over CD but I don’t. I had it once upon a time but no longer do. I had a burned copy but for some reason it won’t play. Figures. She has just came out with a Diamond version but it is too expensive for me. I just bought the regular one. I think this album is her finest work.

The album has the first song that I ever wanted to be for my wedding if I ever got married. Now I listen to it and I just think of my first love. The whole album was ours. It hurts to listen to some of the songs as they bring back memories. My ex wanted to get back with me but I blocked her on FB. She just wants me for one thing. I still love her but that is all that remains of our relationship. It isn’t enough anymore.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I took a shower around 145am. It didn’t help. I was still up for a few hours. I am becoming insomniac again. Not good because it makes my mood so terrible. I can get by with at least five hours of sleep a night but it is hard. I avoided reading because the last time I read the suicidology book, it filled me with ideas. I still need to find the book I bought last year. I have no idea where in my room it is. It seems my sister did some messing around and I don’t know if my books got moved. So frustrating.

A year ago this weekend…

A year ago, I was very depressed and suicidal. I was in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. I was seeing doctors nearly every other week for one thing or another. I was cathing myself every couple of hours which was taking a toll on my mental health in ways that no one was realizing. I was being misgendered a lot at home and it was bothering me. My mother was still not accepting me for being trans. I ended up overdosing and when I woke up the next day, I thought I was okay. I continued taking my meds twice a day with taking breakthrough meds in between.

Tonight I am in a wicked amount of pain in my ankle. Nothing is wrong with it, so to speak. It is just the CRPS flaring up big time. I guess I took too many steps or something. I have no idea. I wish I knew what triggered the pain but I wasn’t hurting until I rested as is usually the case. I have been thinking about what my life has been this past year. I lost my mother. I had a lengthy hospitalization. Then another hospitalization to deal with the loss of my mother. I really haven’t been totally suicidal though the thought has crossed my mind a few times. Luckily, they don’t stay around like they used to. I am trying to move forward. I want to go back to college to earn my degree because that is important to me. It doesn’t matter if I do anything with it. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile to pursue a Master’s degree or not. But I just want my bachelor’s and then I will decide what to do.

Nights like this I remember how much it would kill me and I would think of my demise. I would plan my death. It was the only thing I could do to try and ease the pain. There is nothing I can do to make the pain stop. I distract but it only gets me so far. Sleep is next to impossible as I usually can’t get comfortable.

I am listening to David Nail tonight. I am feeling tired and I want to sleep but I am so scared of lying down and then being in more pain because I am trying to rest. Sitting up doesn’t bother me too much. Got a lot on my mind. I want to text my therapist but it is late and she will just get angry with me. Besides there is nothing she can do for me. I see her Monday. I’ve been anxious for most of the day today. I don’t know why. I often think about what I went through during the hospitalization I went through last year. I don’t remember much about it. I was completely out of it. They ran a lot of tests and I got sick with an infection from the antibiotics. I don’t know if I got Covid or not. They did a spinal tap on me. I don’t know why. They also did an angiogram of my heart for some reason. The angio was negative. I have clear arteries. I wonder if it was because of my tachycardia? I want to ask my pcp the next time I see her. She may not know though. I think it is really funny they did two pregnancy tests on me when I don’t have a uterus. I wish I could remember why I overdosed. I didn’t tell my therapist even though we were in contact up until the time I went to the ED because I was feeling sick. I think I had an appointment with her the day I went to the ED and then told her I couldn’t make it because I was in renal failure and had to be admitted. I don’t remember too much after that. I remember sleeping most of the time and being in dialysis at least twice. The rest of the time, I have no recollection. I don’t even remember having the shits. I know I was on heparin because I wasn’t walking around much and was on antibiotics. I remember them putting in the central line in my chest. The scar still itches to this day at times. I am sort of glad I am off my pain meds but not really. I also was taken off all my meds and whether that factored into my catatonia I have no idea. I just remember being paranoid and delusional, like everyone was against me and was trying to poison me. I really thought I killed my mother and she died of a heart attack but was kept alive by oxygen and air balloons. I have no idea why I thought of something so silly. I have to say that when I came home from the hospital around Thanksgiving time, she was a little nicer to me even if she didn’t use the right pronouns. I know she loved me and cared about me. Just sucked she wasn’t around for my birthday.