Category: depression

I’m having a rough day with grief. I managed to have something more than biscuits to eat. Haven’t managed to brush my teeth yet. Such a damn struggle. Told my psychiatrist today about it..told him my mouth is a mess and I need three teeth extracted. He asked if I was showering. Honestly, I am glad I have the bandage on because I don’t feel like it. I will try tomorrow before the nurse come but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Dentist doesn’t do electronic scripts so I need to pick up the antibiotics script to give to the pharmacy because supposedly the pharmacy isn’t accepting the fax. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I rescheduled the extraction because I know I am not going to be up by 7am to be there at 8. I am not a morning person.

I had therapy today and I told her about how I feel about my mother. I want her back and she said I didn’t kill her. She said cancer did. I cried when talking to my psychiatrist about her. I couldn’t help it. I was just so damn sad. My therapist said grief is sadness. Not what I wanted to hear. Sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming. My pdoc asked if I was suicidal. I starting thinking about suicide last night. I am not actively thinking about it. But it crossed my mind.

My sister and nieces are at the casino celebrating my youngest niece’s birthday. It’s where she wanted to go. I guess they have arcades there as she is too young to gamble. She is turning 18 on Saturday.

Birds chirping

I woke up around 3 and tried to get back to sleep but around 330 my bladder said get up so I did and I have been up ever since. The damn birds are chirping even though there is no speck of daylight. Fucking things. I hate them. They are so fucking loud. It’s always the same birds chirping at the same time every single morning. I plan on staying up rather than trying to go back to bed. I will be having coffee soon and making an egg sandwich for breakfast. I am hungry. I really didn’t eat dinner yesterday.

My chest is feeling sore. I took some ibuprofen and also put some diclofenac gel on my instep on my right foot. It has been bothering me for a month now and is not getting better. I think I will have to see my pcp or a foot doctor. I hope it isn’t plantar fasciitis.

I has been three weeks since my last haircut and because my hair grows so fast, it doesn’t look like I got it cut at all. I always get a bald fade and within a week, it is no longer faded. It frustrates me because I love my hair wicked short and bald looking on the sides and back but having longer hair on top. Next week I will get my hair cut again. I am glad I have a cool barber that is accepting of me being trans. He also trims my beard some and I love it because it adds lines that I never could do on my own. I have to trim my beard and mustache as it is getting a little unruly. I don’t remember the last time I trimmed it. I might shave it off. I want to see if I can get a clip that is closer than the one I am using now. I want it close but still have some depth to it.

I follow Mr. Rogers on Twitter. Today’s quote was about letting truth go. This has always been hard for me because my father instilled upon us secrecy. We had to keep whatever went on in the house to ourselves. We were not supposed to tell anyone what goes on. This has made therapy difficult. There is some things that I have not told a therapist about in my childhood. My father was not a good father. He would hit us when we were kids if we got him mad and it didn’t take much to get him mad. I remember one time there was a towel on the floor that he walked over. So I did the same and then I got a backhand because I didn’t pick the towel up off the floor. Another time he had the three of us in front of him and I was bored. He was trying to tell us something I just wasn’t listening. So I got a few smacks to make me listen. He then lost interest in what he was saying and let us go. My mother rarely hit us. She would just yell at us when we did something wrong. She also never verbally abused us. Mostly she just neglected me and didn’t protect us from my father. He used to always call me fat and ugly. She never corrected him or said anything contrary to it so I believed my father. I still do and he has been dead for almost seven years now. His death anniversary is next week. Weird how both my parents died in the same month. They were divorced and didn’t like each other so don’t get ideas about them reconciling where ever they are. I know my father is in hell or should be. He was a mean fuck.

Since I came home from the psych hospital back in November, I haven’t been as suicidal as I have been in the past. I am trying to have future goals by going back to college. I still don’t know if I can afford it. I have an open house in a couple of weeks. Hopefully someone at the financial aid office will help me get funds needed so I can pursue my education. But I have the stress of being a homeowner now so I don’t know if it is possible. I have to pay the water bill and taxes on the house now. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford it as I am on a limited income. Plus I only get paid once a month and when the money goes, that is it until the next month. I still have credit cards I need to catch up on because I didn’t pay them the three months I was in the hospital. A couple have gone into collection due to non payment. Just stresses me out.

The dentist really made me nervous. I had taken two Ativan to calm down. I was ready to pass out while they were doing the cleaning, which is just as well as the scraping drives me nuts. They found a million cavities and a tooth needs root canal before it needs to be pulled. I rather it be pulled as I don’t have a thousand bucks for the crown, WITH insurance! They gave me an estimate on all the cavities and such. Each quadrant is at least 1500 bucks. So I won’t be doing it. This is because my deductible is met and now I have to pay all out of pocket costs. Screw that. Now I know why my mother had top and bottom dentures.

I am wicked tired. The dentist appointment was at least 2.5 hours between them telling me I needed three teeth pulled and then they found the other problems with my teeth. Fuck. I am tired and will deal with this another day. Monday I get my teeth pulled before therapy so that should be fun. I think I will be having a short session.

Where the shadows live

I went to see my TG doc today. The appointment went well. I don’t have to see her unless my pcp has concerns. She is letting my pcp run things from now on as I am on a stable dose of T. I go for blood work next week as I couldn’t go last week.

I am three weeks post op. My chest is feeling full because it has swollen up. I am feeling tired. Going to the hospital and coming home took a lot out of me. Tomorrow I need to go to the dentist. I plan on taking Ativan before the appointment in case they need to pull my tooth. I am so nervous.

I am so tired. I walked a lot as I went to Starbucks after my appointment. My foot hurts. I took some ibuprofen for it and for the swelling in my chest. The swelling is so uncomfortable. I can’t wait till it goes down. I am only three weeks post op so hopefully as time goes on it will be less. I am still doing regular activities except housework. I was told not to do that because it will keep my wound open. I have been trying to keep my arm by my side to not open it but the wound is closing, slowly. I think by next week I will just be able to put bacitracin on it. The nurse called and will be here in the morning to change the bandage.

The temp supposedly went up to 60 today but with the wind, it felt much colder than that. I didn’t wear a jacket. I only had short sleeves on so I was cold. Thankfully, I wore jeans or I really would have froze. It is cool in my room so I shut the fan off. My allergies are killing me. I have post nasal drip really bad and my eyes keep watering. I hate spring time because of allergies.

One of my favorite pitchers is pitching tonight. He is just coming back from Tommy John surgery and hasn’t had good outings since his return. I feel bad for him. I hope he will pitch well tonight. I haven’t decided if I am going to listen to the game or just follow it on Twitter. I am tired and spent. I want to go to bed but I know if I go to sleep now, I will be up around 1 or 2 am. I set my alarm for 8am so that I can be up when the nurse gets here. I am glad she is coming early because I have to take my shot before I leave for my dentist appointment.