Category: depression

Another day of grief

Nurse was coming to change my bandage which meant that I could finally shower. I did and noticed my right side was more swollen than my right. I took some pics and then trimmed my beard before taking a shower. Nobody was home so I didn’t bring a change of clothes. I just wrapped a towel around my waist and then went up to my room. I put some antibiotic ointment on my nipples and sent a message to the surgeon’s practice. They told me to use Aquaphor for the nipples and to be seen next week for the swelling. Someone in the top surgery group thinks it might be seroma, which is a collection of fluid. I haven’t been wearing compression because I don’t have nobody to help me with it and it kept on falling off about an hour or two after getting taped up. I might have to have this drained. I hope not.

I forgot to brush my teeth so went back downstairs after I got dressed. As I took my toothbrush out of the cup, I noticed some toothbrushes were missing. They must have been my mother’s and I almost started to cry. It is just my toothbrush and my niece’s in the cup now.

After the nurse came and changed the bandage, I made something to eat. I had a sausage sandwich and then made fish and chips. I had to make the chicken I bought so I prepared some potatoes for it while the fish and chips were baking. I had never roasted red potatoes before so I didn’t know how long to bake them for. I figured 90 minutes would work but they were still hard. Google lied to me. They said that they would cook in 30 mins at 350. I had it for 90 mins and they still weren’t done. I had given them another half hour and then they looked done to me though a few were still hard. I am still full from the fish and chips so might have it later tonight.

I tried to nap while the chicken was cooking. I have been up since 630 though I didn’t get out of bed till 7. My sister was in the kitchen having breakfast when I got up for coffee. I have had three cups and am contemplating having a fourth. I was supposed to go out and get my antibiotic prescription but I really didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am not having my teeth pulled until May so it can wait.

I lost track on how many times I have gone up and down the stairs today to my room. I haven’t been able to stay in my room for any length of time. I have just been so restless. I hate this side of depression. It is crazy making. I just put away the potatoes I made after eating some. My niece is finally home and put the chicken away for me. I put the pan in to soak as there is stuck on potatoes on it.

I’ve been listening to Luke Bryan’s number 1 songs and OMG this album is so fucking good! All my favorite songs of his in one album. It’s better than shuffling through his albums. I love his music. It always puts me in a good mood. He is one of my first favorite male artists since Jason Aldean that I liked. I can’t wait to get paid so I can get Luke Combs new CD and of course, the new Linkin Park Meteora20. LP’s new CD is on the pricey side but so worth it. I miss Chester so much. I still think of how I could have been another suicide last fall.

I did so much today despite feeling so much grief and depression. Tomorrow I will probably be less active. I still have some reading to do before the game. Game is on later tonight because the team is out in Milwaukee. Hope I can listen to all nine innings. I am feeling so damn tired. It has been a long day. I have been fighting the urge to cry most of the day. I hate it when I am home alone because it just makes me miss my mother more. I don’t know how to not miss her. She has been gone for two weeks. The wound is still fresh. The visiting nurse acknowledged I have been through a lot the past couple of weeks. My wound (real one) is healing faster than she expected. I am glad. I just need to get the swelling on my right side squared away. I really need to keep my arms at my side more. So hard…

I’m having a rough day with grief. I managed to have something more than biscuits to eat. Haven’t managed to brush my teeth yet. Such a damn struggle. Told my psychiatrist today about it..told him my mouth is a mess and I need three teeth extracted. He asked if I was showering. Honestly, I am glad I have the bandage on because I don’t feel like it. I will try tomorrow before the nurse come but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Dentist doesn’t do electronic scripts so I need to pick up the antibiotics script to give to the pharmacy because supposedly the pharmacy isn’t accepting the fax. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I rescheduled the extraction because I know I am not going to be up by 7am to be there at 8. I am not a morning person.

I had therapy today and I told her about how I feel about my mother. I want her back and she said I didn’t kill her. She said cancer did. I cried when talking to my psychiatrist about her. I couldn’t help it. I was just so damn sad. My therapist said grief is sadness. Not what I wanted to hear. Sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming. My pdoc asked if I was suicidal. I starting thinking about suicide last night. I am not actively thinking about it. But it crossed my mind.

My sister and nieces are at the casino celebrating my youngest niece’s birthday. It’s where she wanted to go. I guess they have arcades there as she is too young to gamble. She is turning 18 on Saturday.

Birds chirping

I woke up around 3 and tried to get back to sleep but around 330 my bladder said get up so I did and I have been up ever since. The damn birds are chirping even though there is no speck of daylight. Fucking things. I hate them. They are so fucking loud. It’s always the same birds chirping at the same time every single morning. I plan on staying up rather than trying to go back to bed. I will be having coffee soon and making an egg sandwich for breakfast. I am hungry. I really didn’t eat dinner yesterday.

My chest is feeling sore. I took some ibuprofen and also put some diclofenac gel on my instep on my right foot. It has been bothering me for a month now and is not getting better. I think I will have to see my pcp or a foot doctor. I hope it isn’t plantar fasciitis.

I has been three weeks since my last haircut and because my hair grows so fast, it doesn’t look like I got it cut at all. I always get a bald fade and within a week, it is no longer faded. It frustrates me because I love my hair wicked short and bald looking on the sides and back but having longer hair on top. Next week I will get my hair cut again. I am glad I have a cool barber that is accepting of me being trans. He also trims my beard some and I love it because it adds lines that I never could do on my own. I have to trim my beard and mustache as it is getting a little unruly. I don’t remember the last time I trimmed it. I might shave it off. I want to see if I can get a clip that is closer than the one I am using now. I want it close but still have some depth to it.

I follow Mr. Rogers on Twitter. Today’s quote was about letting truth go. This has always been hard for me because my father instilled upon us secrecy. We had to keep whatever went on in the house to ourselves. We were not supposed to tell anyone what goes on. This has made therapy difficult. There is some things that I have not told a therapist about in my childhood. My father was not a good father. He would hit us when we were kids if we got him mad and it didn’t take much to get him mad. I remember one time there was a towel on the floor that he walked over. So I did the same and then I got a backhand because I didn’t pick the towel up off the floor. Another time he had the three of us in front of him and I was bored. He was trying to tell us something I just wasn’t listening. So I got a few smacks to make me listen. He then lost interest in what he was saying and let us go. My mother rarely hit us. She would just yell at us when we did something wrong. She also never verbally abused us. Mostly she just neglected me and didn’t protect us from my father. He used to always call me fat and ugly. She never corrected him or said anything contrary to it so I believed my father. I still do and he has been dead for almost seven years now. His death anniversary is next week. Weird how both my parents died in the same month. They were divorced and didn’t like each other so don’t get ideas about them reconciling where ever they are. I know my father is in hell or should be. He was a mean fuck.

Since I came home from the psych hospital back in November, I haven’t been as suicidal as I have been in the past. I am trying to have future goals by going back to college. I still don’t know if I can afford it. I have an open house in a couple of weeks. Hopefully someone at the financial aid office will help me get funds needed so I can pursue my education. But I have the stress of being a homeowner now so I don’t know if it is possible. I have to pay the water bill and taxes on the house now. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford it as I am on a limited income. Plus I only get paid once a month and when the money goes, that is it until the next month. I still have credit cards I need to catch up on because I didn’t pay them the three months I was in the hospital. A couple have gone into collection due to non payment. Just stresses me out.

The dentist really made me nervous. I had taken two Ativan to calm down. I was ready to pass out while they were doing the cleaning, which is just as well as the scraping drives me nuts. They found a million cavities and a tooth needs root canal before it needs to be pulled. I rather it be pulled as I don’t have a thousand bucks for the crown, WITH insurance! They gave me an estimate on all the cavities and such. Each quadrant is at least 1500 bucks. So I won’t be doing it. This is because my deductible is met and now I have to pay all out of pocket costs. Screw that. Now I know why my mother had top and bottom dentures.

I am wicked tired. The dentist appointment was at least 2.5 hours between them telling me I needed three teeth pulled and then they found the other problems with my teeth. Fuck. I am tired and will deal with this another day. Monday I get my teeth pulled before therapy so that should be fun. I think I will be having a short session.