Category: depression

Grief sucks

I had therapy this morning. It was ugly. I cried as I was explaining how much my mother calling me son meant to me. Problem is, we never spoke about it. While she was having a clear moment before her death, she didn’t recognize me as I was telling her I loved her or something. I don’t know what I said to her exactly. I just don’t remember before she slipped off into unconsciousness again. She thinks meds will not do a thing for me to help me through this. I am not looking for meds, I just wanted my psychiatrist to know how I was feeling.

After therapy, I went to the hospital. I had to have my chest drained. There was a lot of fluid in the right side and a little on the left. I am now wearing a binder that isn’t tight and that I can put on by myself. I might shower tomorrow. I got to go back to the clinic Thursday. After this appointment, I went downstairs to get my blood drawn. PCP wanted a testosterone level done. I think I got it done too early as the level is kind of high. I am sure I will hear about it tomorrow. I just didn’t want to go back into Boston two days in a row.

While I was waiting to get my blood drawn, I thought about calling my mother to check on her. It was an automatic reaction as I usually check on her while I am out for a few hours. I check to see if she needs anything and such. It killed me that she is no longer there. I think some of this grief is trauma related. I see my therapist again on Thurs so will ask her.

I went to Starbucks for a latte and something to eat as I hadn’t had anything to eat except some biscuits with my coffee. I only had one cup and needed more. It was a walk to get back to the station but I didn’t care. I thought about going to the butcher’s shop to get some burgers for dinner but I was so tired by the time I got to the Square, I just waited for the bus home.

I came home and crashed. I plan on having an Ensure for my dinner. I don’t feel like eating. I might get the burgers tomorrow after I get my haircut. I need to pick up my antibiotic prescription from the dentist. I need to find out when to take it as it will be a few weeks before I get my teeth pulled. Hopefully by then I am not wearing this binder. I already hate it and it is uncomfortable when I lay down. My chest is still hurting. I took a gabapentin dose to see if that help and some Tylenol.

I am kind of freaking out about finances. I need to save at least $131 for the dentist to pull my teeth and there are other supplies I need for the house. I also need to get my supplements and more Tylenol. I wanted to get new headphones but it doesn’t seem to be in my budget this month. I still need to get my music. That is a priority, after I pay my bills of course. I need Linkin Park’s Meteora20. And the few songs Taylor released prior to the start of her tour. I just got to find the tweet of what songs they were because they aren’t in an album. Amazon has been difficult about putting it out. I don’t use iTunes. I hate that app.

Saturday Blog 22042023

I slept really late today. I didn’t want to get out of bed but it was my niece’s birthday so I had to. I had my usual breakfast of coffee and biscuits. Then my sister texted me saying she had chicken soup that her coworkers gave her so I went downstairs for that. A couple hours later she texted me about doing thank you cards for the wake and funeral. We had so many cards to fill out. Some people we didn’t know the address so we had to call our aunt for it.

I had to take a break because it was making me sad and my eyes were getting blurry. I went up to my room as I had to get dressed anyway. We were all going to a Mexican restaurant for my niece’s birthday. I was trying to get rid of my sadness by going on social media. It wasn’t working. When we got to the restaurant I had a gin and tonic that was more gin than tonic. It went to my head. I got a little drunk. The place got loud and I was sitting next to my sister’s friend’s husband who was really loud. My ears were hurting when I left the restaurant. I had too much stimulation. It was so overwhelming. I just wanted to be in my PJs and in my bed away from everyone.

My chest was hurting by the time I came home. I had to take some gabapentin as I think it is nerve pain. I don’t have anymore pain meds. I took the last one yesterday. I am glad I am out of them as I didn’t have a good reaction when I took it yesterday. I was pretty nauseous for a couple hours. My chest is so uncomfortable. I hope when I see the NP on Tues they can do something.