Category: depression

day 5 post op, feeling shitty

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, transgender

Day 5 post op, feeling shitty

I woke up once during the night. My mother and sister were up. My mother was congested and was coughing up shit. I don’t know if she was puking or not. I made sure she was okay and then went back to bed. I took some pain meds because I was hurting. There is an area on my chest that twinges. I am not sure if it is incisional pain or the nipple reattaching but it is weird. It doesn’t hurt but it does throb. I hurt the left side when I got up around 10 to empty the drains. OMG the pain was bad, I could hardly move. I shuffled to make coffee. I just feel shitty and worn out. I don’t have a fever.

My mother is feeling better today. She is more alert than she was yesterday. It was so difficult watching her be so lethargic because her sugar was so low and then even when we brought it up, she didn’t come out of it. We just let her rest.

Sox are winning right now 6-3 over the O’s. Houck is pitching good today, so far. I just hope the bullpen doesn’t mess up the score. We need a win.

I hope the drainage from the drains continue to be less. I had 30 mL from the right side today and about 10 on the left. The right side is more swollen than the left, even though the left hurts more. If it stays at 30 mLs, I could have the drains out and see what my chest looks like! I am so excited to be flat. I have waited for so long. It is a dream come true for me. I am finally who I am meant to be. Now I just need to get rid of some of my belly fat. I plan on trying to walk more now that the weather is nicer. Nothing drastic just a block at first and see how my foot reacts. I still am protective of my CRPS foot/ankle. I see my pcp this week about it. I hope she will put me on some meds for it. I am almost out of gabapentin. I hope my doc will refill it tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. Lots to discuss. I have a new body that I still haven’t seen yet. I have to take Ativan to calm me down because the compression vest is getting me all anxious. I can move my chest but I feel like everything is constricting me and it feels like suffocation. I was able to have a bowel movement today and wipe myself. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to reach but I was able to without pain. I still need to take some Miralax to get going but I have appointments the next couple of days so I will take it when I am home. I have no idea where I put the vouchers for the taxi that I got. It’s not where I thought I put it. Hope I didn’t throw them away by accident.

I am so tired today. I tried to nap earlier but couldn’t get comfortable. It takes a lot for me to get comfy these days. I have to be careful moving my arm as it pulls on the drain and hurts. Just sucks. Really hope tomorrow is a good day for me. I will know in the morning if I will be going in to take the drains out. All depends on how much fluid there is.

Bad day and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Today has been a difficult day. My mom’s sugar was low and even though we stabilized her sugar, it took a lot out of her. She became lathargic and has continued to be out of it. We called the hospice nurse who came the house to assess her. My mother just basically was passed out. She was adamant about not going to the hospital though. We are just trying to keep her comfortable right now.

I am doing better with pain. I emptied my drains this morning and kind of pulled on the left that hurt. It has been uncomfortable since. I’ve been taking pain meds to ease the discomfort as the ibuprofen did nothing. I am still having a lot of drainage on my right side. The left is about 20 cc whereas the right is about 50. It needs to be 30 or below in order for the drains to come out. I hope they can come out Monday.

Sox are losing. Sale gave up three home runs. It hasn’t been a good day. The weather is at least better than it was this morning.

I feel sad about my mother’s condition. I know it is just going to continue to go downhill. It is hard to see. I wish there was something more I could do for her but there really isn’t. The end of her life is near. It is upsetting. I just hope I can get my “kids” through this. My nephew was really upset and it was hard to see him cry. I wish I could take the hurt away.

I finished the Adler book I was reading. It was a good book. Now I am going to start a memoir called Committed about a psychiatry resident’s story. I like reading memoirs. The style of writing is always different.

Day 3 post op top surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am hurting today. Left side hurts. Surgeon’s office called. Gave me more pain meds. They want me to come in on Monday if my drainage is better. Still having a lot of fluid. I am tired today. I had a difficult time getting to sleep.

My aunts came over and talked non-sense. Really annoyed me. Then they gave my mother something to eat and was trying to sort out the insulin. Fucking fuck. My mother didn’t eat all of what they gave her, just a little bit. I knew she wasn’t going to eat the whole thing. Her appetite isn’t that great.

I am trying not to fall asleep. I am just resting on my bed. I might finish the Adler book I am reading. I think I have a chapter left. I should finish it sometime today. I don’t know what I am going to read after this book. Might be a baseball book. I haven’t decided.

I am not feeling well today. I feel so tired and blah. I am having pain and not sure what to do about it. I’ve taken ibuprofen and pain meds and tylenol. It has helped. I wish I was a little more alert. I just feel sluggish. I don’t feel sick, just run down. My right foot keeps cramping up on me when I lay down. I don’t know why. Aggravating me. Need to massage it or something.

I haven’t had a bowel movement since Monday. I might have to take miralax to get going. I just hope I can wipe myself. I am kind of restricted in my movement due to the vest. I also have bad pain on the left side when I move my arm or turn so I need to be careful. Just sucks.

day 2 post op top surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Day 2 post op top surgery

I slept pretty good, about six hours from 3 to 9am. I had a hard time getting comfortable. I didn’t take any meds and woke up really sore. I just took Tylenol but in the afternoon, I had to take the pain meds. I was just in too much pain. I emptied the dishwasher and that wore me out. I am not having a good day today. It hurts to move my left arm or side. It is really painful.

I met with my psychiatrist today. It went ok. We talked about recovery and my mother. He didn’t want to increase the Effexor so we are staying at the current dose, which is fine with me. I see him in a few weeks from now to go over things again. I told him I was really sad about things. I am happy about my surgery but I still feel sad.

Sox had opening day today. They lost. They are off tomorrow and resume playing Saturday against the Orioles. They haven’t won an opening day game in such a long time. It is disappointing.

I washed up and changed my clothes today. I noticed some bruises on my chest from surgery. It wasn’t painful so I think it will be ok. I am still draining stuff. I don’t know when the stuff will stop. Hopefully by Tues when they are to come out.

I feel sleepy today. I tried to nap but couldn’t get comfortable. I hope I will be able to keep my therapy appointment on Monday. It is going to be a long 45 minutes sitting up. I was able to watch a movie so I think I will be ok. Least I hope I will be.