Category: depression

It’s only Tuesday???

I can’t believe it is only Tuesday. I slept in really late. I didn’t get up till around 2pm. I just could not get going today. I miss my opportunity to get my meds so I have to go tomorrow as I am out of Effexor. It has started to have snow flurries. I don’t know if it is going to stick or not. Hopefully the commute tomorrow won’t be bad.

It is freezing in my room. I have the window open. I love the cold air. I got a message from my therapist this morning. It was to confirm that I need gender affirming surgery, period, for the benefit of my mental health. I am glad I have a good mental health team that are in sync with my needs. Hard to believe this time in two weeks I will be post op. I am kind of nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. I hope I don’t get dog ears because I am overweight. I am trying to lose weight but it is so fucking hard. I have been cutting down what I eat but it makes no difference. The weight just won’t come off and I know it is because I am not active enough.

I need to shower and trim my beard. It is getting a little unruly. I don’t have many appointments this week. Just have PT on Thursday. It is a morning appointment so I hope I wake up for it. I plan on reading tonight after I take my meds. I didn’t do any reading last night because I was so tired from being up at 3am. I woke up in the middle of the night again as the wind was horrible and my room was so fucking cold as I still had the fan on. It’s 59F in my room right now. Chilly!

I woke up around 3am and have been up since. I had I think three cups of coffee. I had therapy. I wasn’t too talkative. I was just struggling to keep myself awake. We talked about my mother’s deteriorating condition. I also told her I found out my best friend’s mother has about two weeks left to live. So fucking hard. I told her my mother called me her son in the ED. I still am shocked.

Yesterday was a hard day when my mother came home from the hospital. My aunts came over and I pretty much yelled at both of them. Wasn’t anything serious. They were being stupid and I wasn’t going to have it. One of my aunts dead named me and pissed me off. She had done this several times already and I just flew off the handle. We have a new hospice company for my mother. Hopefully they will be better than the one we had.

I’ve been trying to rest most of the afternoon. I made some chicken breast for lunch. It was good. I have been feeling low all day. I have to get my meds tomorrow. It is supposed to be bad out but I just wasn’t able to go today. I didn’t feel like getting dressed and going out. I haven’t showered in a few days. It has been tough. I’ll try to shower tomorrow. I haven’t brushed my teeth today. Think I will do that before bed.

I woke up around 0240 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I took some meds because my foot was bothering me. I also was getting spasms in my leg. I did some bicep curls to do some exercise. It helped take my mind off things.

I got out of being lazy and put the extra dose of antidepressant in my med box for the remainder of the week. I didn’t think I had enough, but I did. Later today, after the hospice nurse leaves, I’ll go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions. I might go to Starbucks, too. I am craving a mocha. I will need the espresso for PT. I am hoping she will let me use the treadmill at an incline as I keep having trouble walking uphill. I get really short of breath.

I sent an email to the financial aid office at UMB. I hope they can tell me what else I’ve been awarded if anything so I can plan on what classes to take. Right now I am thinking of taking Italian 101 and college algebra. I don’t think I can handle four classes so I am just taking two, maybe a third as I have to take a world culture class but not sure I can take Ital 101 and 100 at the same time. I changed the advising meeting because it conflicted with PT. Hopefully, that will be my last PT session.

I am so tired but I just cannot sleep. I keep worrying about my mother and household bills. I really wonder how I am going to afford things once she goes and afford college. I am thinking of going on a payment plan but not sure how much I will need to pay. It overwhelms me but I want to get my degree really bad. Sadly, my mother is not going to be around when I graduate. That is a hard reality for me. It makes me really sad.

Having an emotional day and can’t write. Just so upset